End of Tether

So aside from the whole #nofilter thing referring to house/style/parenting and health, I think it also refers to attitude. And apparently one cannot always be upbeat. Despite being well set up for the day - lie in, snow, make up, nice outfit, toddler had minimal tantrums, trains on time, space in coffee shop and wifi, I was worried I wouldn't find something no filter worthy aside from a less-messy house.

Well I was wrong. My mood today, if it was a colour, would be a sort of Rothko-esque, muddy shades of brown fading into deepest dog turd. Not sure that's something you're ever likely to see hanging in the Tate. I wonder if Rothko ever did a brown series, imagine a series of poo shaded colour charts.

Anyway, I'm being deliberately evasive, because as ever I'm not loving talking about feeling pretty rubbish today. So here's a quick recap - I have depression, anxiety and I'm an ex-self harmer. Joyous isn't it. You can read more here on why I outed myself as having mental health issues. Scariest post I ever wrote, that one. Today my mood change surprised me. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it.

I guess lack of sleep was the biggest thing - I had 10 hours sleep between Monday morning and midnight wednesday. I feel like I haven't been the most patient mummy either despite sleeping with Baby45 in the bed both nights to help him sleep and sitting with him until he fell asleep at bedtime. And then there's other stuff going on, I won't elaborate, nothing major but just at a low level just grinds you down.

Everything just feels gray and bleugh and meh. Descriptive I know. But it's hard to describe. Also this is not a cry for help. This is just a bit of a day-in-the-life. I had a down day. Sometimes they're pretty shit. Sometimes not so much. Sometimes it leads into a full blown depressive episode. I don't know which this is but it's a #nofilters post about how I felt today.

So anyway I cried on the train home this even. But hey, I don't think anyone noticed, I totally styled it out by putting up my furry hood and looking like an overgrown emo. And I listened to Arcade Fire at full volume. I've not really done much this evening but seeing a friend and having a laugh has cheered me up.

I know this isn't the greatest blog post either - but I'm pleased I've blogged every day of February so far. I think I'm starting to see this as being like training in a sport. You have good days, amazing days, bad days and mediocre days - but as long as you still get your ass out there, that's the main thing. So if you're still out there reading, thanks for sticking with me on my off colour #nofilter day. I hope tomorrow is better.

Thank you and good night.

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS Trailer for the new Magic Mike movie here - this did cheer me up. You're welcome :P

Definitely A No Filters Day

I'm writing this at gone 10 in the evening after a long day day with a sick toddler in which I attempted to also get some work done. My brain is utterly frazzled, I've had 10 hours sleep since Monday (it's Wednesday evening).

So no great deep and meaningfuls this evening...only in that the house is sort of a mess, Baby45 got some pinterest-style parenting (he cut up paper with his paper scissors) and I got some work done. I'm looking pretty ratty, the spot on my chin is EVEN BIGGER WTF but I'm wearing my galaxy leggings which I'm pretty sure I'm too old for but WTF who cares.

Today has been generally `meh`. I also did some laundry, thanks to Baby45 chucking most of a bottle of milk onto a duvet which soaked through to the bed. So at least I didn't leave it to fester.

We didn't eat that unhealthily although obviously my little darling rejected home made soup for dry cornflakes, a yoghurt and some banana. He also had way too much not very diluted Ribena and I-don't-know-how-many fig rolls. But I am too tired to worry overly about it. The meltdown at bedtime due to overtiredness may have been caused by this. Or maybe just because I refused to let him watch unlimited Mister Maker on our tablet in his cot.....

In between all that, I read this post about Louise O'Neill and I realised I am being utterly pathetic and defeatist about not getting around to writing more. I don't mean blogging, I mean working on my writing project (when i say novel or book, sometimes I feel like a fraud, it's only 6k words - today is one of those days).  I need to woman up and believe in myself and my book and write the damn thing and stop worrying about genres and sell through and supermarket book clubs (there is nothing worse for the confidence of an aspiring writer than working the Sales team of major book publishers...)

So that's it for today. Let's hope for a night of better sleep and a day involving less snot and no requests for "dirty nappy back on mummy"......

Thank you and good night

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS Again, written on the hoof, sorry about that!

On Having It All....Or Not As The Case May Be

Argh trying and failing to write a sensible post today, I'm a bit frazzled - I've had 4 hours sleep after Baby45 was awake in the night with a temperature. He did go off to nursery but I then had to dash back from a work event to collect him as he was poorly again.

So I'm feeling like I've failed a bit on the working and parenting front.  On the no filter front I've really achieved very little today, nowhere near as much as I wanted but I also feel like I let Baby45 down by shuffling him off to nursery. To clarify, before you think I'm that mum who irresponsibly sends her child to be patient zero and infect all the other kids, he just has a cold (the GP said so) and he didn't have a temperature this morning. And also it was snowing. And I really wanted to go to my work event. So I guess I put my career first. I feel like a bad mum now.

I'm tired of being sold this idea that we can "have it all". I'm not sure what exactly "it all" entails but in my head it seems to mean a combination of the following:

• Massively over-achieving career-wise, super successful, ideally running own business, potentially going to IPO when one is crowning in childbirth you're that organised.
• Excellent at parenting (ie not excessive Cbeebies viewing/nuggets consumption) Always calm and never shouty, never using chocolate as bribery, managing the fine art of disciplining the little darlings whilst respecting their boundaries (whatever that means), also not owner of a toddler prone to meltdowns in public (Isn't that all of them though?)
• Being slim, stylish and well groomed at all times. Also in my head this means an ability to accessorise well. I am rubbish at this because a) who has the time and b) toddlers are magpies and break shit. Not wearing clothing with holes in because you've not found the time to replace them because shopping is a smash and grab raid on the New Look sale section before the toddler has one of the above mentioned meltdowns.
• Immaculate, stylish house out of Elle Deco. With fresh flowers  in large vases. I don't think I even own a vase. And when I get flowers they usually just die on me. But I do like lilies a lot should you wish to send me any. No piles of laundry, no washing up cluttering the sink, no dusty skirting boards, no toddler eating the crumbs off the kitchen floor and obviously no skiddies in the toilet bowl. Oh plus lovely garden. MAGICALLY.

I could go on but I think you get my gist. No one lives like this surely (if you do, please don't tell me) I was exaggerating a bit. I just find it impossible to keep on top of everything, the plates are always smashing on the floor in this house, I'm an abysmal juggler after all.

But actually I'm not so sure I really do want "it all". I mean it looks like an awful lot of work for a start. Nowhere is there brownie points for chilling out with a book in your fleece pjs whilst consuming packets of Jaffa cakes (just me?). Why are we so demanding with ourselves? I think it's important to have drive, to work towards things but surely again we're just driving ourselves crazy chasing our own tails in search of a perfection that doesn't exist.

So back to the no filter moments today, aside from the feeling like I've let Baby45 down by putting work first, my kitchen is also a shit pit. 

I won't even go into what it's like to spend several hours with an unwell toddler who doesn't want to be at home and for whom the sugar in ibuprofen is like taking coke. 

But on the flip side, I wore make up, did my hair and dressed nicely today. And got to wear my new bracelet which I'm quite in love with. 

Again, this post has been written semi on the hoof, to get me used to writing regularly again, sorry if it's just come out as a garbled stream of consciousness.

Thank you and goodnight

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS If you're wondered what this #nofilters business is about check here and here

PPS Soon my blog will be available for subscription via Amazon so you can read it on your kindles. And it automatically updates with new posts for you. Exciting stuff no?

Define No Filters

This blog post has taken me the best part of the day to get around to writing. I first started writing it at about 3am in my head, when Baby45 had mistaken my squishy post-baby body for a mattress. 

I guess, with this whole #nofilter thing, I didn't want it to turn into a humble brag type competition. You know....

As in, less effort makes you somehow better because you're trying less hard. That's not what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at is that we are and do judge people by their houses, their lifestyles, their looks, their parenting and their roles in life. That's normal. It's when social media is taking that to the next level, that means our perception of other people's lives is distorted by their filtered for public consumption version of it.

Lifestyle envy aka keeping up with the Joneses, has been around for a very long time and now social media makes that easy to do 24/7. Sitcoms like Friends and Sex and the City as well as reality TV shows don't help. "This is how you should be living - watch us do it better". Aspirational viewing is now not just on your TV screen, it's next door.

Frankly, I don't care about the state of my friends' houses. In fact I think you know when you're really good friends with someone because they don't clean up before you come over. They know that you know that they were up all night with the toddler, or have a work deadline, or a birthday or just frankly were too tired with the never-ending chore list (now that's a movie worth making) and couldn't summon up the effort.

The thing is, life isn't perfect, it's really messy and chaotic and disorganised and stuff hits you out of left field,  on top of all the regular every day shit you have to get on with. I mean as a child, I just had no idea how much paperwork and planning being an adult entailed. I thought you just got to eat sweets whenever you like. (and you can, but someone out there will tell you that you probably shouldn't all the same). 

It's easy to get distracted by feeling like having the perfect sitting room/outfit/latte/parenting craft morning equals the perfect life, but it's just not that way and I think it's a waste of energy because it's a Sisphyean task. We're never going to get there so we might as well just settle for what we've got and enjoy that - because even that may not last.

I realise this blog post is quite cliched, but I'm writing on the hoof and part of this means not editing and fussing too much and just getting used to writing regularly. Sorry for that.

So anyway, to the actual #nofilter moments in my life today?

- Baby45 wants to be potty trained, yeah he's leading this one not me. I don't really need to share all the gory details but I thought labour involved a lot of bodily fluids. I was wrong.
- Despite making soup, pasta bake and curry today and clearing up, my kitchen is a mess and I have no plan to do the washing up before I go to bed. Sorry. Not sorry.
- I haven't actually "done" my hair today. I woke up, it was in my face, I got it out of my face with an elastic. Good to go. Style just bite me.
- I'm growing a second chin out of my chin. Some of you may know this as a zit, but really, I'm expecting Rick Mayle to return from his adventures in the afterlife and start talking to me.
- Oh and the bins need emptying. Again.

Thank you and goodnight.

Stupidgirl has left the building

No Filters

During my month off Facebook it's been refreshing to revel in my relative slovenliness and slummy mummy self. I've not felt any pressure (outside of my own drive and desire) to look good, cook well, be a domestic goddess and/or indulge in pinterest worthy levels of good parenting.

That's not to say everything's gone to pot but when social media constantly enables my co-dependent self to grade me as NGE (not good enough) without it I was happy to just relax and maintain my own less than photogenic but still acceptable standards in style, domestic drudgery and parenting.

Far be it from me to denigrate Facebook, Twitter and others of their ilk - I love social media - but it does enable everyone to display their life through a filter.

So in true overly ambitious style I want to try to blog every day this month under the theme #nofilter. So from the state of my eu mountain of dirty laundry,  my less than stylish outfits, dinners closer to the 1970s than 2015 and my slightly slack parenting - it'll all be aired on here.

My point is, we're not doing anyone,  least of all ourselves any favours by displaying our lives as if they were a spread in Elle Deco.  Setting unattainable standards for our lifestyles and choices only makes our quest for happiness and satisfaction even harder.  You could go down the avenue of how we're really just playing into the hands of the marketeers who want us to instagram ever more lunch pictures and stylish status updates so that we feel like if we just achieve that perfect holiday location/recipe/outfit we'll gain the recognition we seek via likes, pins and favourites. 

But as I say, I don't want to take that cynical viewpoint.  I think it's more just about trying to show our truest selves with the filters off that exposes us and our humanity.  To try to live in the moment more instead of seeking the most instagrammable version of it. After all, maybe the laundry simply isn't getting done because I'm too busy tweeting pictures of baby45 requesting his retro darth vader pajamas in true humble brag style.

So I'm not at all confident I'll maintain a week's worth of blogging let alone a month but far be it from me not to share highlights of my day with you all such as baby45 barging into the toilet because he wants to "see the wee coming out mummy". You're looking forward to this now aren't you.. .

Thank you and goodnight

Stupidgirl has left the building