Emotions In Pregnancy - Interview no.2: Run, Jump, Scrap Blog.

Continuing in my weekly interview series - `Emotions in Pregnancy` - tonight's interviewee is Sarah, who blogs at Run, Jump, Scrap! here's her story..... If you've not been following the series, you can read last week's interview here and check out this post to find out the reasons behind the series.

Bio

Hi my name is Sarah and I blog over at Run Jump Scrap! I’m predominantly a Mummy blogger but I also blog about fitness and showcase some of my scrapbook projects. I am married to Chris, Mummy to my little gremlin and work as a dietitian.

1. How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?

Relieved and elated. I was one of those people who had been on the pill for 10 years and convinced I would not be able to get pregnant. I had lived and breathed “trying for a baby” for 3 months, which is no time at all when I look back. It’s just that silly fear. Didn’t help my hormones must have been trying to settle down after stopping the pill. I didn’t want to tell anyone when I fell pregnant, apart from close family, until 12 weeks. Then it was closer friends and I didn’t tell the social media world until I was 21 weeks after the 20 week scan. I was worried about tempting fate and something would go wrong.

2. How did your mood vary over the course of the pregnancy and did it vary by trimester or milestones? How did you feel about buying things for your baby at different points in your pregnancy?

Generally I was quite perky throughout my pregnancy. Tiredness and nausea did make me tearful at times. I always remember my younger cousin not switching her light off when we shared a room once so I could sleep got me into a right state. There were times I felt a bit anxious about the birth and being a Mum but I was trying to always enjoy being pregnant. My Dad and Grandad both passed away during my pregnancy which of course was very tough. However, I do think being pregnant gave me the strength the get through these times as I had to look after myself for my baby and the thought of the baby was a comfort.

3. Did your symptoms affect your mood and emotions at all?

I was always hungry throughout my pregnancy and if I did not eat enough my rages were legendary. I remember throwing some dishcloths across the room as hubby had dared to buy the wrong ones. This was because it was getting close to lunchtime! The gremlin inside me would kick like a loon so I tried to control my temper a bit. I wasn’t that tearful generally so that was good.

4. If you did have low mood or have any mental health issues during your pregnancy, how did you feel? 

Apart from the grief of losing family members I did not have any specific mental health issues when I was pregnant. If I had done though, I would have sought help.

5. Did the medical side of pregnancy affect your feelings and mood at all eg: scans/regular appointments/complications/general care?

I was always a nervous wreck going to my scans as obviously was worried something was going to be wrong. I had to have an extra growth scan which was a bit scary but luckily all was ok. My midwife care was pretty good and straight forward and I didn’t tend to feel too anxious when I was reviewed.

6. How did you feel about giving birth?

I was cleared for a midwife-led birth at my local unit and hubby and I attended NCT classes so we felt pretty clued up. I was more bothered about having to being induced, as heard the labours can often be harder. Luckily my labour started early. The concept of giving birth didn’t really frighten me. I just wanted to “do” it. I was very much go with the flow and strongly believe if you are destined to have a natural birth you can do it. If complications are destined to arise, there is nothing you can do but ride with it. So I went into labour quite open minded.

7. What advice would you give to any mums-to-be on this subject?

Don’t suffer alone. Since having my daughter and going back to work I had some anxiety and insomnia for a month. It was horrible. I felt so stressed and did contemplate going to the doctors. Luckily hubby, Mum and some friends were very supportive so talking helped. I tried meditating and this was brilliant. I realised it was anxiety stopping me sleep as when my head was cleared I was nodding off. You need to admit to yourself there is a problem, confide in others, try self-help and if all else fails seek medical help. People are more understanding nowadays and there are more things to try before medication.

Social Media Links

Blog – http://www.runjumpscrap.com
Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/runjumpscrap
Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/runjumpscrap
Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/runjumpscrap
Pinterest – http://www.pinterest.com/runjumpscrap

Ten Reasons Why Toddlers Are Like Celebrities

You might be reading the title of this blog and be thinking WT-actual-F is she on about - toddlers, like celebrities? But stick with me, I'm pretty sure you're going to identify with some of the below....

Why toddlers are like celebrities.....

1. They are often papped in compromising positions....

Busted with mummy's juice...

2. They order "off -menu" when you go out to eat and everything has to be "on the side". God forbid one should allow bean sauce to contaminate one's frites.

Mummy had the audacity to suggest a picnic in the sun

3. Their social life is planned with military efficiency and they need to be booked up sometimes months in advance.

4. They have to be bribed, coerced, cajoled and eventually blackmailed into doing things that are usually for their own benefit.

5. They have tantrums if they don't get their own way. And the bigger the audience for these the better.

We weren't paying attention to him.

6. They love selfies (Kim Kardashian has nothing on my son....)

Potty selfie #pelfie

7. They never clean up after themselves. No really, nothing like someone bending over so you can wipe their pooey bottom.

8. They change outfits several times a day. Living with my son is like being in a Lady Gaga concert.

Gruffalo/Bloodhound Gang mash up

9. They have to be protected from the harsh realities of life such as Iggle Piggle not being a real actual person and that you can't visit the cloudbabies.

10. When they start talking, no matter what it's about (soliloquies on storm-clouds, where mummy's boobies should live) everyone hangs on their every word as if they're God passing down the ten commandments.

Bunny listening to Mike the Knight under duress.

Agree with me? Have I missed any? Would love to hear your toddler's celeb-like behaviour so please leave me a comment below!

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS If you liked this post you might like this one and this one...and also this one...

Emotions In Pregnancy - A New Interview Series!

Writing my series on Ante-Natal Depression and Anxiety was incredibly cathartic, which I wasn't expecting. It was a very stressful period in my life, not just for me but for husbando as well, so to have the response it had and the comments and shares made it worth "coming clean" about my experiences. 

Part of the response showed me that my experience *was* on the more unusual side but equally that I wasn't alone and that sadly other women experience these negative feelings also. It was a small comfort to know it hadn't been just me, but I was saddened at how many mums felt they couldn't be open about their experiences or even knew that AND existed and to seek help if they wanted to.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about - here's the posts I've written - parts 1, 2, 3 and 4. I hope that by putting these out there, my experience in some way will help another mum feel less alone and less alienated and more able to seek help. 

As a result of the discussions around the posts, I came up with an idea that I am very excited about - a new interview series focussing on mums talking about their emotions and emotional-well being during pregnancy. It's something that's not much mentioned - how we're really feeling, and at all the different stages of pregnancy, in the middle of that hormone soup. It's a rollercoaster even without mental health issues to contend with - anyone else cry at andrex puppy ads?! 

My `Emotions in Pregnancy` series of interviews will go live this Thursday - 21st May - and from then on, every Thursday weekly and we'll be able to hear from different mums, dads and bloggers about their emotional experiences during pregnancy. My aim of the series is to show mums-to-be that how ever you feel, that's just fine but to seek support if you're not feeling quite right.

As you'll see from the interview, there's a whole spectrum of experiences out there, no two mummies are the same. The interviews so far have been incredibly personal, honest, humbling and emotional to read. I think you'll love them just as much as me and I hope you'll join in with comments and shares to encourage mums to be to read the interviews also! If you're interested in being interviewed, drop me an email on stupidgirl45 at hotmail dot com and I'l ping you over the questions.

Finally, If you're currently pregnant and looking for support, or know someone who is, here are some links that may be able to provide support and help. I would also always encourage people to talk to their midwife and GP.

PANDAS Foundation - Pre and Post Natal Depression Advice and Support
House of Light - Help and support for women affected by post and ante-natal depression

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

An Evening in the Life of an Amateur Blogger

5:30pm

Collect child from childcare. Reply to incessant babble whilst trying to retain that evening's blog idea in your head and planning out post structure. Bribe with jaffa cakes Organix gingerbread men for some peace and quiet.

6pm

Shovel dinner into child. Whilst yoghurt is being lavishly spread across your kitchen floor, tidy and prepare dinner to enable you to eke out an hour of gossiping on social media blogging.

7pm

Read 675,984 bedtime stories, including The Cat in the fucking Hat, 6 times - end up feeling slightly stoned. Sing lullabies in a rapid whisper whilst checking Twitter to see which linkys you should be doing today. Try to remember which old posts you can rehash for these and also blogpost planned on the way home. 

7:30pm

Realise child is asleep and you're sitting in the dark whispering to yourself - use ninja moves to sneak out. Bung dinner in the microwave and grab wine and laptop, only to discover darling child has switched on airplane mode and hidden all your icons. Fuckitty fuck. Also, low battery, where is the cocking charger?

8pm

OH home, dish up dinner, offer perfunctory chat and affection whilst also figuring out how to fix laptop, remember linkys *and* blog post idea. Find charger behind nappy bin/in change bag/under buggy (delete as applicable).

8:30pm

Finally sit down with laptop and wine - thank christ. Open twitter, facebook, and blog. Immediately get sucked into black hole of chatting. Try to remind self of blog homework but instead continue discussion about latest TV hunk on twitter, cc'ing in said TV hunk via his twitter handle.

8:45pm

Remember what you're supposed to be doing and begin writing! Tweet loudly and gleefully about this. Get side tracked by linky admin. Feel irrationally annoyed when you're the 167th post on a linky which is the linky equivalent of being sent to Coventry. Vow to be organised. Google "blog organisation" and "social media strategy" and "pro-blogging". 

9:30pm

Blog post complete, yay! Fortify self for tedious task of link insertion/link checking, uploading images, appropriate tags and other thankless editing tasks with chocolate and more wine. Consider gin but think best not to mix on a school night after brief discussion on - where else - Twitter.  

10pm

Pimp post across social medias. Wonder if Mumsnet/Netmums/Tots100/ ParentDish feel very unspecial when you copy them all into the same tweet. Fill up entire timeline on Facebook and Twitter with links to new post. Fail to remember Hootsuite password. Feel annoyed you cannot schedule link to new post at 3am for people up nightfeeding. Because it's just what they need.....

10:10pm

Your mother tweets you "WHY TWEETING LINK LOTS ALL OVER PLACE". Feel ashamed of shameless self-promotion. Drink more wine and wonder if tonight's post is the one that will have The Huff Post, The Guardian *and* Red magazine emailing to commission you.  Distract self with blog stats instead.

10:12pm 

Refresh blog stats

10:22pm

Refresh blog stats again

10:35pm

Refresh again. Small increase. Wonder if it's all worth it. Distract self by replying to backlog of comments. Wonder why some posts get more comments than others. Tell posts they are just as good as others. Consider perhaps lowering wine consumption as you are actually talking *to* your blog posts.

10:45pm

Yes - RTs/comments/likes! Even Mumsnet RT'd you, you feel like you've won the bastarding Pulitzer. Gabble away to all responses then retire to bed vowing to be more organised tomorrow, to plan blog posts, to schedule things and to dig out your Hootsuite password to enable this. You will be a pro-blogger, you will! 

11:15pm

In bed. Husband attempts conversation  You bat him away, there's still time to check twitter on your phone *and* get a couple of hours sleep before the baby wakes. And also, what was that other blog post idea you much write it down......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Unspecified middle of the night baby crying time am

Feed screaming baby. Check twitter. Realise you've put a massive typo in all your pimping out tweets. Wonder if you're really cut out for this. Resolve to drink less wine and worry about it all again tomorrow.....

Thank you and good night,

Stupidgirl has left the building

The Alternative Approximate A-Z of CBeebies Shows

As per the title. If you're unfamiliar with any of these shows then either you don't have kids, your child is too tiny for TV or you're a Pinterest parent and this will make no sense. Also, this post is tongue in cheek (I can't believe I need to point that out but just in case....) Also, it's not a full A-Z, just an approximation.

A is for.....Abney & Teal. Let's start with a good one, I'll be kind, I love A+T. I especially love the poc-pocs (random name), the illustrations, that the voice of Teal is Shingai Shoniwa from The Noisettes and also that a turnip is a major character.

B is for .....Baby Jake. Er what the what the what? WHAT? I don't understand this show at all. Aside from this being a family with 10 kids who all live in a circular stone tower, those bunny rabbits are terrifying ("scariest since Donnie Darko" according to @bird42) and Baby Jake himself is a very disturbing flexi-jointed incubus. Just so wrong at 7am.

C is for..... Carrie and David's Pop Shop which wins the prestigious title of most annoying kids TV show ever. A survey of 87% of parents say they detest it.* The presenters were last seen on Fame Academy (The Bronze Age in TV years) which tells you all you need to know. Unfortunately Toddler45 loves it. I've considered disowning him.

I is for.....In the Night Garden, clearly written by people on illegal substances  as per all the best kids shows (cf Tellytubbies/Magic Roundabout/The Clangers). Featuring Iggle Piggle unfortunately friend-zoned by Upsy Daisy, Makka Pakka who has a farting problem which he blames on his trumpet and the Tombliboos - what they actually are/do is anyone's guess. Storylines include moustaches disappearing, random springs appearing and tiny people living in the woods. It's all unnervingly narrated by Cadfael. 

K is for......Kerwizz. Oh god, shoot me now. This programme is utterly stultifying. The catchphrase "Kerwizz - the quiz with added whizz" is the best thing about it. And that's saying something. Fronted by a guy who uses chip fat as a hair product. Even Toddler45 hates it.

L is for...... Let's Play, in which CBeebies presenters indulge in a spot of cosplay/fantasy dressing up and Little Robots which is actually pretty cute, mainly because Toddler45 calls it `Little W-obots`. 

M is for......Me Too. *sigh* if you are unfortunate enough to be woken at 6am you'll know that this is a programme featuring Balamory's odder relatives. Or that's what I've extrapolated. Most of the time I watch this with the sound off as i find that improves the experience (by watch I mean have my eyelids prised open by Toddler45 "You 'wake mama")/ Mr Bloom - have you been living in a hole? Do you not know that this is the green fingered kids TV presenter that mummy bloggers would most like to have feeling their melons? Or something....

O is for......Old Jack's Boat This series comes with a lot of supercoolness due to being written by a Dr Who writer and featuring Freema Agyeman. But mostly i snigger at the frequent references to the salty sea and Old Jack perving over Freema's mermaid....

R is for.....Rastamouse. I bloody love Rastamouse, especially the theme tune. I wish they'd do a remix of this In fact I probably love this more than Toddler45. 

S is for....Show Me Show Me. I mostly spend this show, and I'm sure some of you do this too, trying to spot Pui's bump, admiring her maternity wear and being impressed with her ability to get out of having to do all that dicking about on the floor show us her groovy moves.

T is for .....Topsy and (Fucking) Tim - smug middle class twins doing boring things. In one episode Topsy's mum was giving her mummy friend devil eyes for landing her in it with the smug twins after revealing she was selling their house. Given the current house prices in South London the twins don't need to rely on TV salaries for an income.

W is for......Waybuloo Actually, I love Waybuloo. it's so soothing and faintly....trippy. With all the floaty characters and actual children talking to themselves. It's supposed to be a kids yoga show, but again definitely substance influenced...! Sends me to sleep every time.

Z is for.....Zingzillas  - a music themed show featuring former musicians down on their luck(members of the Darkness, I'm looking at you ). And some animated puppets.  And a lot of enormous coconuts, which is a lot less exciting than it might sound.

I know, I've skipped a lot of letters. But this was always the approximate alternative A-Z. I think you get the gist!

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

*Totally made up statistic

Sunday Kitchen Disco

Hi everyone and welcome to the very first #sundaykitchendisco linky!

Typically, starting with a bang, this week is more of a #sundaykitchenplaylist - because I do love a good list, especially a music related one! I thought I'd pull together a list of Toddler45's favourite songs to boogie, sing and cuddle to.  

For regular readers, in case you're wondering what's going on, a linky is an opportunity to share a post you've written with lots of other people on my blog. The theme is *music*. You can read all about the linky here but the basic idea is:

• Add your post to the linky on the theme of *music*. So what your kids love to dance to, classes they attend, musical toys they love - anything.
• Tweet me your post link + include #sundaykitchendisco so I can RT!
• Comment on other posts in the linky + make new friends :)
• Your post can be old or new, doesn't matter so feel free to dig out one from the archives!
• The linky runs for a week from each Sunday

Fnally, don't forget to add the supercool #sundaykitchendisco badge to your post

<div align="center">
<a href="http://generationwhynot-stupidgirl.blogspot.co.uk/p/sunday-kitchen-disco-linky.html" title="SundayKitchenDisco"><img src="http://i374.photobucket.com/albums/oo184/stupidgirl45/4ba96a8e-263d-4590-8dcb-d362b583c284_zps4wq6wfns.jpg" alt="SundayKitchenDisco" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Anyway, here's our list SundayFundayKitchenDisco playlist :)

Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson ft Bruno Mars
Not yet the most overplayed song of 2015, Toddler45 loves this one and cutely refers to it as UpDown Funk. He does a pretty decent imitation of the dance too and had a little go at breakdancing also!

All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor
Not sure if its the foxy ladies in this video that have Toddler45 mesmerized or the catchy tune. Either way I have been forced to watch this around 67,000 times in the last month alone "Bass Mummy? No tweble!"

Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins

If liking cheesy music is in your genes, then Toddler45 gets this one from me. As a *bump* he used to go crazy to this one. And he still loves it :) "I feel the need, the need for speed!"

Get Lucky - Daft Punk
The first song Toddler45 clapped to. I was a bit over-excited by this - I mean Daft Punk, how cool is my child (nowhere near as cool as his mother obviously...)

Happy - Pharrell Williams

I've yet to find a toddler who does not like running around my sitting room when this song is on. So up there on our regular playlist. And that's without the Despicable Me connections :)

Fifi + The Flowertots Theme Tune

I've deliberately not posted a video clip of this song. It will be an endless earworm for you. Toddler45 loves it and I have regular requests for "FEEFEE" - despite him never actually watching the damn show!

Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World

I love this song and used to play it to my bump very regularly. As a newborn, it always calmed Toddler45 down. And even last week, he fell asleep on me listening to this song. So it's a bit special. Might make you cry though.

Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
Again, a bump song, one that calmed my son down as a newborn and even now. It's such a lovely, cheery positive song. The lyrics are oddly reassuring!

A Thousand Years - Christina Perri

This song came out around the time Toddler45 was born and sappy though it is, the lyrics summed up a lot of how I felt about him, loving him for a thousand years etc. I remember spending many evenings, in my dimly lit bedroom, with this on the radio, watching him sleep or feeding him and feeling so blessed.

I hope you liked the list and it's inspired you to add your own post to the linky. Anything music related - an archive post or a new post is fine. Hope you'll join in - just click the link below to join and add your post.

An InLinkz Link-up

Motherly Love - Not What I Was Expecting

Being a parent: the only relationship in which you are always preparing for the person you love, to leave you - and that's an outcome to aim for! Truly the definition of if you love someone, set them free.

I never understood the concept that love could be redemptive before I had my son. When the pregnancy test was positive, I remember feeling that I was no longer "alone" despite being in a relationship - that there were two of us now, but that we were in some way more equal. I felt like here was a person who could know me from the inside out and we could grow together to know each other. I never realised how much loving him would change me as a person.

I wasn't prepared for the intensity of feeling I would have for my son when he was born. It didn't take much for that all consuming, instant feeling to kick in after birth. But it's not even so much love as  a turbo-charged primal, feral intense feeling of protectiveness. When the midwife did the reflex test and made my son cry, I wanted to tear her arms off to get to him. Every time he cried, which face it, was quite a bit in the early days and months, I felt like my skin was being ripped off if I couldn't get to him quickly enough. I felt worn to a raw nerve a lot of the time, terrified that something could possibly happen to him.

Trusting people has always been hard for me, expecting them to leave or hurt me at any moment. But with a child, you have to earn their trust, you are entirely responsible for this tiny human being. I really struggled with this responsibility and the weight of emotion that sloshed around inside me - that messy postnatal soup of hormones.

None of the books or blogposts I read prepared me for how to deal with such a one sided relationship in which my anxiety seemed all-consuming at times. I felt - feel - so vulnerable in my love for my son. It is hard to have balance sometimes. In the early days, my fears for him were common - feeding, sleeping, pooping - was everything normal? Any ill health was paralysing though, and the thought of anything worse - SIDS was a constant terror. I still, every night, go and check on him before I go to sleep. A hand on the chest, reassuring up down movement. 

It is hard to put into words how I feel or why it is so scary. Which is almost why this post needs to be written. Sometimes I feel so alone in my feelings - do other people also see the worst happening, before it even happens. The fall from the climbing frame, the too-thick bedding, the speeding car, the too-large grape. Everything seems risky sometimes. And then I have to be normal, act normal. If he does fall and hurt himself, if he is unwell, to remain calm, to have perspective. To not alarm him or transfer my fears onto him. To show balance.

But even the smallest hurts to him, trivial as they are to an outsider, when I watch his little face crumple, just wring my heart to bits. And the knowledge that one day a cuddle will not fix his problems....saddens me deeply. 

Sometimes I think I need to be tougher, to feel less like a piece of my heart is walking around, playing on the swings, asking for a snack. But I think I need to make the most of this time because one day he will be too big to want "kisses on my mouf mumma" and wind his little arms around my neck. To have hurts healed with the power of a kiss. 

I like the simplicity of a toddler's life, the soothing predictability and the time to explore the world within safe, familiar boundaries. To be able to return home to loving arms whenever things feel strange and receive an explanation. I love being able to provide this for him. 

It is strange and hard to be vulnerable, to trust, to love openly and without constraints. But maybe this is what my son is here to teach me. To allow myself to do these things and take down my walls, so that I can enjoy life more. As much as it's scary, it's exhilarating also. I wouldn't change it, it just wasn't what I was expecting.

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building.  

PS If you liked this post, you might like this and this too.

Dear Toddler45 - Count My Lucky Stars

Dear Mr Munchy Bum,

As you know, I love you. I tell you approximately 650,789,456 times a day. I also enjoy kissing your munchy little face. At which you either wriggle away or lick me or yell "kiss on my MOUTH MUMMY" and try to give me a big enthusiastic snog.

As much as I whinge about it, I'm quite partial to being a mummy. Particularly, *your* mummy. You see, you're quite lovely and cute and also hilariously funny. So you know, that's all pretty good stuff to have around.

I might complain about the exhaustion - when you wake in the night for 2 hours and have a tantrum about no Mister Tumble and then try to sleep across my head. Or the tedium - when I have to read Dinosaurs Love Underpants at least 7 times before bed (sucker!). But also, you are the apple of my eye.

You give me a reason to get up in the morning, because no one does enthusiasm for a new day like a toddler. "Is it sunny?" when it's clearly pissing it down. "Is it dark?" when it's clearly 9am and yes, actually sunny. Your insistence on "staying in my jim-jams just little bit more mummy" means you're a boy after my own heart - nothing like lounge wear, telly and a big bowl of cereal.

You've also got an excellent bossy streak. I take pride in the fact that you've inherited this from me. Risking life and limb you insist that you "walk for a little bit mummy" as you flail away from me by the roadside whilst I have a minor coronary as cars whizz past. 

Resolute, you tuck your hands into your blue bomber jacket and march along, asking me if "we go Tescos for special t-weat mummy?" *cue big blue eyes*. I am powerless to resist. So is the lady in the Tescos who has a soft spot for you and always asks me accusingly "where is he??" when I go in without you.


I'm also massively enjoying your strong nurturing streak. Much as you like to destroy stuff "Me do snipping Mummy?" (cue paper everywhere) you love your bunny-baby so much. Twee as it may be, you look so cute pushing your pink toy stroller, with bunny snuggled in it, to the shops with me.  To those who have given you a funny look, *blows raspberry* do Daddies not push babies in buggies where you come from? 

Bunny is very important to you, bunny likes to be wrapped in a blanket and is just like you - only napping in the buggy. You also love your Makka Pakka - who sits in the back seat of your Little Tikes car and gets chauffeured around. He is also partial to yoghurt...

You love music, with Bruno Mars being the only person who has, to my knowledge, gotten you to eat a mushroom (heavens above, an actual vegetable!) Your special Uptown Funk dance in which you have tried to copy the video is excellent. You also love the (inappropriate?) All About That Bass video "AGAIN MUMMY, bass, no t-weble".  I love listening to music with you. You're much cooler than me - you love Hozier also!

Mostly though, it was very nice yesterday, on a rainy Monday afternoon, when Mummy was feeling poorly, when we lay on the sofa for a snuggle and listened to the songs I played you when you were a newborn, and you drifted off to sleep with your head on my chest. I know you remember the songs, I played them to you as a bump - and they settled you when you wouldn't feed when you were tiny. You woke a bit on me, and if I moved "No, cuggle mama" and you wound your little arms around me.

I love you baby, because you taught me to love myself. You taught me that I am fun to be around, that it doesn't matter what I wear or where we are, as long as we are together that's all that matters. So I'm counting my lucky stars that I have you as my little best buddy. Because it would be pretty crap for me and Daddy without you.

Love,

Mumma

PS At risk of being considered the world's grumpiest mother, this post came about to reassure people that I don't just let Toddler45 go feral to Cbeebies whilst I eat bonbons, drink gin and post on the social medias. Also it's a follow up to this post. 

This One's For You - Lyric Day

It's Mother's Day. I don't have anything clever to say. I'm so moved by all the lovely messages everyone is sharing online about their mums. I love all the photos - all the love and pride radiating out from everyone.  I know it's a tough day for people too  for many reasons.

So for all the mums out there. The mums who can't be here. The friends who are mums and the grandmas and aunties. The daddies who have to be mums. And the mums who wish they were mums. Here's a song and quote for you.

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." - Sofia Loren

Thanks for everything you do, and thanks for always thinking twice. 

Tonight's lyric day song is Elton John 's Your Song. Because the lyrics seem to be much like kids's presents 

"I know it's not much but it's the best I can do/My gift is my song/painting/sticking/crafty thing and this one's for you"

 Thank you to my mum.

Stupidgirl45 has left the building

PS Here's a Mother's Day selfie

Shedding Your Skin - Mummy, I'm Glad You're Here

Sometimes I talk to people, and often, they are surprised at what you give up when you have kids. Usually these people I am talking to don't have kids. So the things we relinquish when we have kids seem like huge sacrifices to them. And before I had Toddler45 I couldn't have imagined the responsibility. The lack of lie ins, parties, spontaneity, holidays, free time, promotions, new jobs, adventure.

And I think when you first become a parent, the sloughing off of that skin - the before-you to become the now-you is painful and at once immediate and lengthy. Some days your new life is so all consuming that you can't remember the before. And then other times the reminders are all too real - rubbing at raw skin like shoes on a blister.

But with the benefit of hindsight - 20/20 as ever - I can look back on the adventure of the last 3 years and say that having kids/parenthood is not an either/or situation. Yes, things change massively. In ways that you cannot predict or expect. But it's a bit like the path not taken rather than the path left behind.

For everything you give up, you gain something. It's different, it's like comparing apples and oranges. One isn't better than the other, it's just different. You might sacrifice sunny friday afternoons in the pub....for sunny afternoons in the park. Your child shrieking with pleasure, sunshine on your skin, kisses sweet on your cheek. Pure happiness either way.

For every missed holiday, festival, drunk night out, there is discovery of new places, seeing the world afresh, enjoying company with someone who only wants to be with you. Whose life is complete with their little hand in yours, experiencing it all with you.

A bus ride, a sight of a train station, a digger. Mud on the ground, a pebble, the cinema. Foamed milk in a coffee cup, croissants, chocolate. Grass stains, sand between your toes, skin slick with sun cream - that holiday fresh scent. 

Even with all the lost evenings, the missing chunks of sleep, the bags under my eyes have come cuddles with a boy and his bunny. Bedtime stories, traditions, comfort, fitting into a new persona that can be hard, like trying on a slightly too tight dress. But then it settles down and fits. 

And this is it, acceptance. I miss the person I was before Toddler45, but she's gone. And in her place I have a new me and I have Toddler45. Not better, not worse. Just different. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Tonight, as i put Toddler45 to bed, he said "Mummy, I'm glad you're here".......so you know, i'll take that :)

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

Verbal Sparring - 10 Weird Things Ive Said To Toddler45

As we all know from this post, toddlers are beyond weird. I mean, In the Night Garden makes actual sense to them. Here are actual things that have been said, in my house, this week in response to actions or requests from said bonkers child:

Laughing at the noise farts make in a potty

1. "It's broccoli juice, you won't like it" - In reference to my glass of wine that Toddler45 wanted.

2. "Beebies is broken between 9-5. Unless I decide otherwise" In response to TV being requested all the sodding time and I'm paranoid it's frying his brain.

3. "You're going to do WHAT with your willy to your friend??" - In response to something being mumbled by Toddler45 before he exited the room at speed.

4. "Please don't put my phone down your nappy" Self explanatory really

5. "We don't read books with our willies"  See above

6. "Please stop motor-boating me and yelling boobies" *sigh*

7. "Please don't poke the froggie in the eyes" Poor Mr Froggy.

8. "Please don't grab Aunty X's chest and yell honk-honk" Poor Aunty X is all I can say.

9. "Makka Pakka farted?" In response to me asking Toddler45 who farted and he blamed his Makka Pakka toy. Twice. To be fair, I was in fits of laughter over this one.

And now for one in which I am winning at parenting...

10. "Thank you for my water-flavoured juice". Oh yes, we have water-flavoured juice in this house. I am a ninja mummy. Thanks to this Mumsnet thread for the idea!

Thank you and good night,

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS In the same vein, so wrong to snigger at Mike the Night having his bread sword eaten by Mr Cuddles....

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