The Alternative Approximate A-Z of CBeebies Shows

As per the title. If you're unfamiliar with any of these shows then either you don't have kids, your child is too tiny for TV or you're a Pinterest parent and this will make no sense. Also, this post is tongue in cheek (I can't believe I need to point that out but just in case....) Also, it's not a full A-Z, just an approximation.

A is for.....Abney & Teal. Let's start with a good one, I'll be kind, I love A+T. I especially love the poc-pocs (random name), the illustrations, that the voice of Teal is Shingai Shoniwa from The Noisettes and also that a turnip is a major character.

B is for .....Baby Jake. Er what the what the what? WHAT? I don't understand this show at all. Aside from this being a family with 10 kids who all live in a circular stone tower, those bunny rabbits are terrifying ("scariest since Donnie Darko" according to @bird42) and Baby Jake himself is a very disturbing flexi-jointed incubus. Just so wrong at 7am.

C is for..... Carrie and David's Pop Shop which wins the prestigious title of most annoying kids TV show ever. A survey of 87% of parents say they detest it.* The presenters were last seen on Fame Academy (The Bronze Age in TV years) which tells you all you need to know. Unfortunately Toddler45 loves it. I've considered disowning him.

I is for.....In the Night Garden, clearly written by people on illegal substances  as per all the best kids shows (cf Tellytubbies/Magic Roundabout/The Clangers). Featuring Iggle Piggle unfortunately friend-zoned by Upsy Daisy, Makka Pakka who has a farting problem which he blames on his trumpet and the Tombliboos - what they actually are/do is anyone's guess. Storylines include moustaches disappearing, random springs appearing and tiny people living in the woods. It's all unnervingly narrated by Cadfael. 

K is for......Kerwizz. Oh god, shoot me now. This programme is utterly stultifying. The catchphrase "Kerwizz - the quiz with added whizz" is the best thing about it. And that's saying something. Fronted by a guy who uses chip fat as a hair product. Even Toddler45 hates it.

L is for...... Let's Play, in which CBeebies presenters indulge in a spot of cosplay/fantasy dressing up and Little Robots which is actually pretty cute, mainly because Toddler45 calls it `Little W-obots`. 

M is for......Me Too. *sigh* if you are unfortunate enough to be woken at 6am you'll know that this is a programme featuring Balamory's odder relatives. Or that's what I've extrapolated. Most of the time I watch this with the sound off as i find that improves the experience (by watch I mean have my eyelids prised open by Toddler45 "You 'wake mama")/ Mr Bloom - have you been living in a hole? Do you not know that this is the green fingered kids TV presenter that mummy bloggers would most like to have feeling their melons? Or something....

O is for......Old Jack's Boat This series comes with a lot of supercoolness due to being written by a Dr Who writer and featuring Freema Agyeman. But mostly i snigger at the frequent references to the salty sea and Old Jack perving over Freema's mermaid....

R is for.....Rastamouse. I bloody love Rastamouse, especially the theme tune. I wish they'd do a remix of this In fact I probably love this more than Toddler45. 

S is for....Show Me Show Me. I mostly spend this show, and I'm sure some of you do this too, trying to spot Pui's bump, admiring her maternity wear and being impressed with her ability to get out of having to do all that dicking about on the floor show us her groovy moves.

T is for .....Topsy and (Fucking) Tim - smug middle class twins doing boring things. In one episode Topsy's mum was giving her mummy friend devil eyes for landing her in it with the smug twins after revealing she was selling their house. Given the current house prices in South London the twins don't need to rely on TV salaries for an income.

W is for......Waybuloo Actually, I love Waybuloo. it's so soothing and faintly....trippy. With all the floaty characters and actual children talking to themselves. It's supposed to be a kids yoga show, but again definitely substance influenced...! Sends me to sleep every time.

Z is for.....Zingzillas  - a music themed show featuring former musicians down on their luck(members of the Darkness, I'm looking at you ). And some animated puppets.  And a lot of enormous coconuts, which is a lot less exciting than it might sound.

I know, I've skipped a lot of letters. But this was always the approximate alternative A-Z. I think you get the gist!

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

*Totally made up statistic

TV Junkies

to paraphrase a friend's FB profile..... klass, sugar, bree....
That's my line up for this evening.

If you don't know what I'm talking about you should do. It would seem that the infinite wisdom of the telly programming gods have decided to put anything worth watching on the box, on wednesday night. Hump night. (god bless the aussies, such a fab word - along with sheila and bonza...and yes getting off the point here)

Hump night, in case you don't know, is wednesday night. It's the hump in the middle of the week that leads you into the gentle decline that is friday night and the weekend. It makes wednesday bearable. The knowledge that 2 sleeps and its the weekend. And lets face it, wednesday night is the new thursday night is the new friday night is the new black.

Back to the telly-box. So tonight the majority of women in the country will be watching 10 years younger at 8pm. A programme in which, ironically, the presenter herself has been replaced by a sleb 10 years younger. 10YY is the antithesis of the Gok *get ya wobbly bits out for the girls* school of thought.
10YY says *yes, you look crap and wrinkly and unshaggable but why don't we give you tons of plastic surgery, caps, a blow dry and some polyfilla and ask the general public to guess how old you are* I actually quite liked the blunt, hatchet faced saffa who presented it. Honesty WAS her best policy. And watching a toothless 37 yr old crying after being told a general poll thought she was 65 is pure car crash telly. (hey, I didn't say I was kind). Anyway the blunt one has been replaced by the bland one. Its too tiresome to even have to describe who she is and what she does. So I shan't.

Back to my point (somewhere up there in the ether) new series of The Apprentice starts tonight. Put a bunch of bitchy, arrogant, moody, unemployable wannabes in a get-rich-quick-job-hunt scheme. Instant telly karma. Hogging the 9pm slot on a wednesday night and causing most of the working population to dash home to watch it, The Apprentice is highly addictive. In fact I currently only have ONE friend on FB chat, thus indicating that half the country is watching telly. Either that or I'm a social leper (FB is the only way to judge your popularity clearly)

Following this (true TV marathon here - 3 hours worth) is Desperate Housewives. Which I love. And have aspired to be all of the characters at some point. My current favourite is Bree. Immaculate, home cooking, terrifying, reformed alcoholic, apron wearing, redhead bree. I love her. I want to be her. My favourite scene is the one in the 2nd series where she learns to shoot. Wearing an immaculate twin set and skirt. Now thats a woman not to mess with. Tonight's episode apparently features the ever lovely Gabi trying to get back into shape for the no-longer-blind Carlos. It's so easy in TV land, ya just take the fat suit off. Easy.

Anyway I'd better go and warm up for the TV marathon - a light bit of Hollyoaks viewing to get me started perhaps. So I'll leave you here. Thank you and good night.

Stupidgirl has left the building.