Depression & Anxiety in Pregnancy 4: Heading For the Finish Line

This is the final part in my series on Depression + Anxiety in pregnancy. You might like to read part one, two and three before this one!

Once in the 3rd tri and close to finishing work, the anxiety lessened a little. I no longer had to battle public transport worrying that I would throw up on someone or pee myself. I could sleep and eat whenever I wanted. However, I was still a hormonal fed up monster thanks to unrelenting nausea, heartburn and braxton hicks from 18 weeks.When people told me I'd probably go two weeks overdue, I wanted to both kill them and cry my eyes out.... 

At 32 weeks (and well over 13 stone!)

Although the depression had lifted pretty much, I had a wobble when I finished work. I should have been thrilled - I could rest, fart, read and enjoy time on my own - but something wasn't right, I felt useless! I'd had a job since I left uni 10 years earlier, and worked through summers and school before that. Now I was work-less but not unemployed. I had a baby, but I wasn't a mummy - yet. I felt in limbo and it scared me. Our identities are so caught up in what we `do` - work or parenting or playing. But I wasn't really doing any of that yet and I felt weird and un-busy. 

It sounds crazy written down - but that's the point really - here was another part of pregnancy I wasn't ready for and the hormone soup in my head played havoc with it. As a first time mum, I found the waiting-for-baby to come quite isolating. I didn't have any mummy friends yet - everyone was at work pretty much - and I didn't have the energy to drag my fat ass to the city for a 40 minute coffee. I didn't have anyone to talk to really.

I know this is where the NCT group thing is supposed to help but I didn't want to spend the money. And I just didn't feel like i'd connect with other mummies to be, because I thought I wasn't good enough.  I was very lucky though to be under the care of Streatham Valley midwives because they ran a 6 week ante-natal classes course as part of our treatment and I did meet some new mummy friends that way. However as I was due first....yup you guessed it....none of them were on mat leave yet. So I was confused, lonely and scared on top of all the 3rd trimester chaos.

After a couple of weeks of this, nesting kicked in and distracted me from my worries. But then at 37+ something....things began to happen. My birth story is best left to another post but even as things were kicking off in earnest, I was still in denial about being in labour. I refused to pack my bag (I know, I know, it should have been done already), insisting everything was going to stop, that this wasn't it, I was fine (whilst on my hands and knees). 

It wasn't until I threw the phone across the room when talking to my midwife that she insisted we come in to hospital "otherwise you'll be delivering this baby at home".  So er, I arrived at the hospital at 9cm. After a "fun" cab journey through south London at 3am. But that's a story for another post.....

So by the end of my pregnancy, I wasn't in too bad a place - but I got there with an awful lot of help and support.  I would have been in a much worse state without it - and it set me up for a better than expected start once Baby45 arrived. I hope this series of posts has been interesting to read and that if you've had low mood or AND in pregnancy, it's made you feel better - you're not the only one. 

Enjoyed this post? Don't forget to check out parts one, two and three also....

Depression + Anxiety in Pregnancy 3: Getting Help + Buying Stuff

*This is part 3 in my series on Depression & Anxiety in Pregnancy. You may like to read parts One and Two also*

Owning up to needing psychiatric support when you were pregnant is scary stuff. Everyone has a perception of mental health, none of it is flattering. I don't think I was at major risk but between appointments with my lovely psychiatric consultant, a psychiatric nurse and also a CBT counselor, I ended up with almost weekly appointments. These completely saved me as I had regular panic attacks through the early stages of pregnancy (I lost my job at 8 weeks pregnant, just after the spotting had stopped) and without my psychiatric support I don't want to think about the state I would have been in. 

I was also mixed up about the support. On the one hand it was amazing to finally have this help but on the other, I was scared that they would think I was a danger to myself or my son and take him away when he was born. I still live with a remaining fear that this will happen. That my mental health will mean I won't be allowed access to the person I love more than anything in the world.

Alongside all of this, we also were referred to a genetic counselor due to various things. This is not really much fun. There's not much to say but it meant I awaited our 12 and 20 week scans with a fair amount of dread.  

As a result of all this, I utterly refused to buy maternity clothes, despite not fitting into my jeans from a ridiculous 8 weeks. Lets not even talk about the enormo-boob situation. Even the sonographer told me, not unsympathetically, to stop doing my jeans up with a hair band....

Me at 24 weeks

I struggled to buy things for my baby, as if in some way, it would "jinx" things. I just about tolerated a small book and babygro purchase after successful scans but planning for the larger items threw me. I spent many tearful, panicky hours wandering around the baby floor in John Lewis, whilst my long-suffering OH asked me questions about buggies and cots and clothes, as groomed mummies-to-be selected everything they needed without batting an eyelid.

I found it all so intimidating - how did I know what buggy I needed and for what occasions. And cots, cribs, bassinets, co-sleepers, moses baskets, hammocks - all that just for sleeping. I frequently just wanted to yell "I Don't Know, Stop Fucking Asking Me Stuff". I'm a perfectionist and making such important-seeming choices just threw my anxiety and paranoia into overdrive. If there is anything more likely to trigger a row than a hormonal, anxious pregnant woman, a department store, over-priced buggies and a confused father-to-be, then I don't know it. 

At 27 weeks

By the time I was at 28 weeks, poor Baby Thor (as bump was known) barely had a thing. I couldn't face the research either, it was so bewildering, so much details and WHAT IF I GOT IT WRONG. Again with the perfectionism. OH had to step in and pretty much insist we bought a buggy, a cot and some clothes. But not without me melting down every.single.time. I find decision making stressful at the best of times, but thanks to my anxiety and paranoia everything seemed booby-trapped to make me out to be a bad mother.

Want to know what happened next? Final part in the series coming soon!

Depression & Anxiety in Pregnancy 2: Reaching Rock Bottom

*This is the 2nd in my series of posts on my experience of Depression & Anxiety in Pregnancy. You may want to read part one first*

On the outside, hardly anyone knew what was going on inside my head whilst I was pregnant. I'd been with my OH for 10 years at this point, the baby was wanted and planned for and my pregnancy announcement came as no surprise to anyone. But I wasn't happy in myself. Yes, I was happy to be pregnant, but I was so unhappy with the task ahead of me and all I could see was ways to fail. 

There seemed to be so much pressure to be so happy about being pregnant but that made it worse. I put on a lot of weight, I struggled to adapt to this. I felt very unattractive. I was in pain a lot of the time, nauseous or retching for most of the 9 months. And I felt so ungrateful because I was lucky to be pregnant I kept reminding myself.

At 17 weeks

Things came to a head at 16weeks after a stressful work trip which exacerbated my unrelenting nausea. I was exhausted, nervous, off my anti-depressants and mid-genetic counselling referral. So I had a meltdown and mildly self-harmed. Not my finest moment. I was devastated by my behaviour and sobbed on my GP who kindly signed me off for 2 weeks. No one outside of my husband and one close friend knew what was going on. 

I am so grateful to that friend for keeping an eye on me for those two weeks and to my OH for encouraging me to rest and relax on my time off work. I was so exhausted but the more I stressed about "failing" and not dealing with pregnancy like "other mums" the worse I felt. I cried lots over my two weeks off sick, blaming myself, feeling like a useless mum, worrying about the future. But the time to rest did help and i did begin to feel better.

There wasn't a magic trick to this, it just took a bit of time and clearing hurdles like my 20 week scan, being signed off from needing epilepsy medication and not needing anti-depressants. Summer also started to arrive, I learned that I had to look after myself more and that it was okay to be scared and worried and to also let other people look after me.

That was one part of pregnancy I also found tricky - accepting help. I am very very bad at asking for and accepting help. As per every toddler's mantra I like to do things "BY. MY. SELF.!" but when you're paralysed by retching every sodding morning and evening, you need someone else to make you palatable food and generally look after you. I found this inexplicably hard to deal with and it made me very panicky as I absolutely hate relying on people because of my paranoia that they will just up and leave me.

Despite all the constant inner battles, I carried on carrying on and things calmed down a little. I still felt very nervous and panicky at the slightest thing, but I also began to feel more positive about baby arriving, even if I couldn't bring myself to buy anything....

Want to know what happens next? Read part three....