Ten Reasons Why Toddlers Are Like Celebrities

You might be reading the title of this blog and be thinking WT-actual-F is she on about - toddlers, like celebrities? But stick with me, I'm pretty sure you're going to identify with some of the below....

Why toddlers are like celebrities.....

1. They are often papped in compromising positions....

Busted with mummy's juice...

2. They order "off -menu" when you go out to eat and everything has to be "on the side". God forbid one should allow bean sauce to contaminate one's frites.

Mummy had the audacity to suggest a picnic in the sun

3. Their social life is planned with military efficiency and they need to be booked up sometimes months in advance.

4. They have to be bribed, coerced, cajoled and eventually blackmailed into doing things that are usually for their own benefit.

5. They have tantrums if they don't get their own way. And the bigger the audience for these the better.

We weren't paying attention to him.

6. They love selfies (Kim Kardashian has nothing on my son....)

Potty selfie #pelfie

7. They never clean up after themselves. No really, nothing like someone bending over so you can wipe their pooey bottom.

8. They change outfits several times a day. Living with my son is like being in a Lady Gaga concert.

Gruffalo/Bloodhound Gang mash up

9. They have to be protected from the harsh realities of life such as Iggle Piggle not being a real actual person and that you can't visit the cloudbabies.

10. When they start talking, no matter what it's about (soliloquies on storm-clouds, where mummy's boobies should live) everyone hangs on their every word as if they're God passing down the ten commandments.

Bunny listening to Mike the Knight under duress.

Agree with me? Have I missed any? Would love to hear your toddler's celeb-like behaviour so please leave me a comment below!

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS If you liked this post you might like this one and this one...and also this one...

Wicked Wednesdays - Mummy Shaming

My finest parenting moment this week - Toddler45 decided to lie face down on the pavement on the way home from nursery  and have a full tantrum because I wanted him to get back in the buggy. What did I do? I laughed and took a photo obviously!

Linking up to WickedWednesdays over on Brummy Mummy of 2.

Wicked Wednesdays - Evil Mummy Strikes Again....

So this picture happened.

I can only assume he's pissed off about being forced to have a picnic lunch on the balcony in the sunshine. Also cross at then being put in shorts. Maybe it's because they weren't sequinned like my shorts are.....

Anyway, that's my contribution to #wickedwednesdays!

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl45

Wicked Wednesday - Juice?

It's Wednesday again, *already*, which means it's time for @brummymummyof2 's Wicked Wednesday linky....

"I have some of your juice mama?"

Look at that cheeky glint in his eye, hmmmmmm. Needless to say, he finished my squash for me...

Wicked Wednesday

So this is my first #wickedwednesday linky which is run by the lovely brummymummyof2 blog (worth checking out if you haven't already). Anyway, the plan is to share a funny picture of your LO. So here's an oldie but goodie of Toddler45....

This was a random tantrum on the stairs, when I was mid conversation with husbando. No idea what was wrong but a cuddle soon fixed it :)

Dear Toddler45 - Count My Lucky Stars

Dear Mr Munchy Bum,

As you know, I love you. I tell you approximately 650,789,456 times a day. I also enjoy kissing your munchy little face. At which you either wriggle away or lick me or yell "kiss on my MOUTH MUMMY" and try to give me a big enthusiastic snog.

As much as I whinge about it, I'm quite partial to being a mummy. Particularly, *your* mummy. You see, you're quite lovely and cute and also hilariously funny. So you know, that's all pretty good stuff to have around.

I might complain about the exhaustion - when you wake in the night for 2 hours and have a tantrum about no Mister Tumble and then try to sleep across my head. Or the tedium - when I have to read Dinosaurs Love Underpants at least 7 times before bed (sucker!). But also, you are the apple of my eye.

You give me a reason to get up in the morning, because no one does enthusiasm for a new day like a toddler. "Is it sunny?" when it's clearly pissing it down. "Is it dark?" when it's clearly 9am and yes, actually sunny. Your insistence on "staying in my jim-jams just little bit more mummy" means you're a boy after my own heart - nothing like lounge wear, telly and a big bowl of cereal.

You've also got an excellent bossy streak. I take pride in the fact that you've inherited this from me. Risking life and limb you insist that you "walk for a little bit mummy" as you flail away from me by the roadside whilst I have a minor coronary as cars whizz past. 

Resolute, you tuck your hands into your blue bomber jacket and march along, asking me if "we go Tescos for special t-weat mummy?" *cue big blue eyes*. I am powerless to resist. So is the lady in the Tescos who has a soft spot for you and always asks me accusingly "where is he??" when I go in without you.


I'm also massively enjoying your strong nurturing streak. Much as you like to destroy stuff "Me do snipping Mummy?" (cue paper everywhere) you love your bunny-baby so much. Twee as it may be, you look so cute pushing your pink toy stroller, with bunny snuggled in it, to the shops with me.  To those who have given you a funny look, *blows raspberry* do Daddies not push babies in buggies where you come from? 

Bunny is very important to you, bunny likes to be wrapped in a blanket and is just like you - only napping in the buggy. You also love your Makka Pakka - who sits in the back seat of your Little Tikes car and gets chauffeured around. He is also partial to yoghurt...

You love music, with Bruno Mars being the only person who has, to my knowledge, gotten you to eat a mushroom (heavens above, an actual vegetable!) Your special Uptown Funk dance in which you have tried to copy the video is excellent. You also love the (inappropriate?) All About That Bass video "AGAIN MUMMY, bass, no t-weble".  I love listening to music with you. You're much cooler than me - you love Hozier also!

Mostly though, it was very nice yesterday, on a rainy Monday afternoon, when Mummy was feeling poorly, when we lay on the sofa for a snuggle and listened to the songs I played you when you were a newborn, and you drifted off to sleep with your head on my chest. I know you remember the songs, I played them to you as a bump - and they settled you when you wouldn't feed when you were tiny. You woke a bit on me, and if I moved "No, cuggle mama" and you wound your little arms around me.

I love you baby, because you taught me to love myself. You taught me that I am fun to be around, that it doesn't matter what I wear or where we are, as long as we are together that's all that matters. So I'm counting my lucky stars that I have you as my little best buddy. Because it would be pretty crap for me and Daddy without you.

Love,

Mumma

PS At risk of being considered the world's grumpiest mother, this post came about to reassure people that I don't just let Toddler45 go feral to Cbeebies whilst I eat bonbons, drink gin and post on the social medias. Also it's a follow up to this post. 

Verbal Sparring - 10 Weird Things Ive Said To Toddler45

As we all know from this post, toddlers are beyond weird. I mean, In the Night Garden makes actual sense to them. Here are actual things that have been said, in my house, this week in response to actions or requests from said bonkers child:

Laughing at the noise farts make in a potty

1. "It's broccoli juice, you won't like it" - In reference to my glass of wine that Toddler45 wanted.

2. "Beebies is broken between 9-5. Unless I decide otherwise" In response to TV being requested all the sodding time and I'm paranoid it's frying his brain.

3. "You're going to do WHAT with your willy to your friend??" - In response to something being mumbled by Toddler45 before he exited the room at speed.

4. "Please don't put my phone down your nappy" Self explanatory really

5. "We don't read books with our willies"  See above

6. "Please stop motor-boating me and yelling boobies" *sigh*

7. "Please don't poke the froggie in the eyes" Poor Mr Froggy.

8. "Please don't grab Aunty X's chest and yell honk-honk" Poor Aunty X is all I can say.

9. "Makka Pakka farted?" In response to me asking Toddler45 who farted and he blamed his Makka Pakka toy. Twice. To be fair, I was in fits of laughter over this one.

And now for one in which I am winning at parenting...

10. "Thank you for my water-flavoured juice". Oh yes, we have water-flavoured juice in this house. I am a ninja mummy. Thanks to this Mumsnet thread for the idea!

Thank you and good night,

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS In the same vein, so wrong to snigger at Mike the Night having his bread sword eaten by Mr Cuddles....

LINKIES

Unacceptable Mummy Behaviour - Top 10 Misdemeanours...

Toddlers, always known for their rational and reasonable requests do, on the odd occasion make Miranda Priestly, the nightmare boss from The Devil Wears Prada look like a sensitive and reasonable person. This week, Baby45 (or Toddler45 I should probably start calling him) has definitely tried to put me on time out several times and confiscated my phone. Here's his list of my worst mummy misdemeanours this week.....

1) Being unable to un-mix or otherwise extract the milk out of his milk-sodden weetabix so that it would go back to its dry state. This caused a bedtime meltdown of about 3.7 on the Richter scale from slight wobble  to HOLYSHITTHENEIGHBOURSARECALLINGTHEPOLICE-the-screaming-is-that-loud. So, although my behaviour was clearly NOT ACCEPTABLE, Toddler45 felt he responded in a reasonable manner by not poking my eyes out with our camping spork.

2) Refusing to buy croissants ("cwoissants mumma") at 5;45pm in the evening and making a 30 minute detour which would totally fuck up bedtime. I see where he was going with this one - chocolate, pastry *and* an extended bedtime. Again, a relatively light response at say 5.6 on the scale in which he wailed all the way home from nursery with the odd pause to pout pathetically at any passersby.

3) Not putting the hair he'd just asked me to remove, back in his mouth.Just WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT? Toddler logic is beyond me. To be fair, there was no associated meltdown but he did give a very resigned (can toddlers be passive-aggressive?) sigh. Oh dear.....

4) Rudely insisting that he not exercise his independence by refusing to hold my hand when crossing any and all roads, which instead often involves me dragging him across by his arm/holding him kicking and screaming, pushing the buggy one handed, whilst he turns deep puce from screaming "I. Do. It. Myself" (is this the toddler motto btw....along with, be totally batshit crazy at all times) Every single sodding road crossing now evokes a tantrum scoring around 8.9 in which I struggle not to lose all my shit also (figuratively and literally).

5) Getting his VERY CLEAR instructions wrong. This happened on numerous occasions this week eg; request for milk, milk provided "I NOT WANT MILKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK (you stupid cow)* I WANT JUICE". Juice given. "WHERE MY MILK WAHHHHHHHHHH" etc ad infinitum. This crime is so easy to commit because basically everyt ime I give him something he has requested, in the split second between those two events occurring he changes his mind. Several times. And we appear to be in an alternate universe in which multiple options apply. 

6) Not putting his soaking wet shoes back on. And instead also replacing soaking wet trousers and socks with clean dry ones. This is an extreme example of unreasonable mummy behaviour. Tantrum at the 'people walking past wonder WTF are you doing to your child you evil woman' level (also known as FUCK I NEED A STIFF drink). Also, it's not ideal to have to crouch down to wrestle with said toddler to do all this, in a knee length skirt and fishnet hold ups. Just saying. 

7) Requesting that he travel somewhere by buggy. Yes, buggy, not dragged behind wild horses across flaming coals. It is totally unacceptable to expect him to travel to/from anywhere we need to get to in a hurry, by buggy. Obviously. And when we do have time for him to stroll, examine mud, trees, leaves (and every MOFO stone) *then* he wants "Mummy carry meeee, mummy cuggle!" *pout pout*.  If I do attempt to put him in the buggy he does that weird trick that all toddlers have where they SIMULTANEOUSLY go completely boneless and rigid and slither out of the buggy making you look like a complete fucking chump. WTAF is up with that. Its like wrestling an octopus. With dodgy buggy strap clips.

8) Insisting on trousers being worn outside of the house. No, darling toddler45, you cannot go to nursery in  your pajama top, a nappy and two odd socks. And your glasses. Just, no........Aside from them calling social services on me, it's good practice to get used to leaving the house with clothes on. But again, it's all very unreasonable of me and I need to be put in my place with a good screechy wail and then a go-slow on getting ready.....

9) Not opening the already open curtains. Again what? WHAT? Just...*sigh* This involved a full, screaming, drooly meltdown. To be fair it was bedtime and frankly anything goes at this point (points 1 and 2 on this list happened then) But really, are you that tired that you've forgotten what open and closed mean? I can't even actually remember what I did to assuage his royal highness. But there was less drool at the end, I remember that.

10) Not snipping/gluing/colouring/crafting appropriately. Yes, really. Sometimes I wonder if he has his own pinterest board of projects and my inept attempts at crafting with him are totally fucking it up. Whatever, it's still infuriating if I use THE WRONG SCISSORS or glue in the wrong place or you know, insist that we STICK SOMETHING TO THE FUCKING GLUE instead of just smearing it everywhere and then......leaving it to dry. Oh my good god. Clearly I know nothing about art. I made Toddler45 a goldfish this week on one of our "crafting" sessions. He thinks it's a cat. I'm not sure if I should be worried about him or me.

Bonus Misdemeanor

Having the nerve to sing along to All About That Bass, when he's trying to listen. "NO! You not sing mummy!" He mumbles along to himself "No TWEBLE!!!!"

Talking to someone more compliant than Mummy....

So there you go, my bum is firmly on the naughty step in this house. Frankly, I'm glad to have a minute's peace! Anyone else joining me on time out?

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

*Obviously I am joking, he didn't call me a stupid cow. But the tone was there!

PS This post is on the following linkys....

On Having It All....Or Not As The Case May Be

Argh trying and failing to write a sensible post today, I'm a bit frazzled - I've had 4 hours sleep after Baby45 was awake in the night with a temperature. He did go off to nursery but I then had to dash back from a work event to collect him as he was poorly again.

So I'm feeling like I've failed a bit on the working and parenting front.  On the no filter front I've really achieved very little today, nowhere near as much as I wanted but I also feel like I let Baby45 down by shuffling him off to nursery. To clarify, before you think I'm that mum who irresponsibly sends her child to be patient zero and infect all the other kids, he just has a cold (the GP said so) and he didn't have a temperature this morning. And also it was snowing. And I really wanted to go to my work event. So I guess I put my career first. I feel like a bad mum now.

I'm tired of being sold this idea that we can "have it all". I'm not sure what exactly "it all" entails but in my head it seems to mean a combination of the following:

• Massively over-achieving career-wise, super successful, ideally running own business, potentially going to IPO when one is crowning in childbirth you're that organised.
• Excellent at parenting (ie not excessive Cbeebies viewing/nuggets consumption) Always calm and never shouty, never using chocolate as bribery, managing the fine art of disciplining the little darlings whilst respecting their boundaries (whatever that means), also not owner of a toddler prone to meltdowns in public (Isn't that all of them though?)
• Being slim, stylish and well groomed at all times. Also in my head this means an ability to accessorise well. I am rubbish at this because a) who has the time and b) toddlers are magpies and break shit. Not wearing clothing with holes in because you've not found the time to replace them because shopping is a smash and grab raid on the New Look sale section before the toddler has one of the above mentioned meltdowns.
• Immaculate, stylish house out of Elle Deco. With fresh flowers  in large vases. I don't think I even own a vase. And when I get flowers they usually just die on me. But I do like lilies a lot should you wish to send me any. No piles of laundry, no washing up cluttering the sink, no dusty skirting boards, no toddler eating the crumbs off the kitchen floor and obviously no skiddies in the toilet bowl. Oh plus lovely garden. MAGICALLY.

I could go on but I think you get my gist. No one lives like this surely (if you do, please don't tell me) I was exaggerating a bit. I just find it impossible to keep on top of everything, the plates are always smashing on the floor in this house, I'm an abysmal juggler after all.

But actually I'm not so sure I really do want "it all". I mean it looks like an awful lot of work for a start. Nowhere is there brownie points for chilling out with a book in your fleece pjs whilst consuming packets of Jaffa cakes (just me?). Why are we so demanding with ourselves? I think it's important to have drive, to work towards things but surely again we're just driving ourselves crazy chasing our own tails in search of a perfection that doesn't exist.

So back to the no filter moments today, aside from the feeling like I've let Baby45 down by putting work first, my kitchen is also a shit pit. 

I won't even go into what it's like to spend several hours with an unwell toddler who doesn't want to be at home and for whom the sugar in ibuprofen is like taking coke. 

But on the flip side, I wore make up, did my hair and dressed nicely today. And got to wear my new bracelet which I'm quite in love with. 

Again, this post has been written semi on the hoof, to get me used to writing regularly again, sorry if it's just come out as a garbled stream of consciousness.

Thank you and goodnight

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS If you're wondered what this #nofilters business is about check here and here

PPS Soon my blog will be available for subscription via Amazon so you can read it on your kindles. And it automatically updates with new posts for you. Exciting stuff no?