Didn't You Get The Memo?... Basic Twitter Tips for your Mom & Other Newbies

So this post has been a long time coming - I've been planning it in my head for awhile - mainly since everyone noticed that my mum has joined twitter. (no I'm not telling you who she is, you'll have to figure it out yourself). This is in no way a definitive guide to using twitter or even the top most important tips - if you type "Twitter Top Tips" into google you'll get a zillion responses. Instead this is just my personal pointers on a few key things about twitter.

I am guessing that a lot of people who read this blog are already on twitter, in which case you might already know/think most of this stuff - but I just thought I'd put it out there anyway. Just to be helpful! So let's get started....

Anti-Eggs: Why You Need A Picture.

This is my biggest Twitter bugbear – when people don’t have a picture but keep the egg icon. Don’t keep that stupid egg – it either says “hello, I am a spambot and I’m going to PISS YOU OFF` or it says `I’ve joined Twitter and I don’t really know why but hey! I’m here”

It only takes a second to change it but voila, it now says `Hi, I might actually be a real live human here wanting to interact with other people`. Which is a good thing. You don’t want to put people off from the very outset.

You don’t necessarily need to use a picture of yourself – I know a lot of people like to use social networks semi-anonymously – but at least use something that is personal to you. It tells people about you and might make them want to follow you or talk to you or follow your blog/check out your website.

Also FYI – any picture of a girl in a bikini/bra/low cut top/short dress is likely to be a spambot. Unless you are after a rather particular kind of follower, steer clear of this kind of image. In my opinion anyway!

It’s All About The Strapline or, Why Profile Info Is Important

Okay so when you click on someone’s profile you can see a few words below their twitter name. In fact when you joined Twitter you had to fill out your own version – in 160 characters. These 160 characters are possibly the most important 160 characters you’ll ever write on twitter. They tell the tworld and his twife, why they should follow you.

It can be hard to know what to put here, after all how can you sum up yourself in a few short words right? Well actually, it’s kind of fun, be creative and think outside the box *cringes at use of naff cliché*. I see lot of profiles where people define themselves by their relationships to others (see this post) but I would like to start a campaign to encourage people to think more imaginatively about these words. I know that it’s great that you’re a mum, wife, sister, husband, brother etc – but what else should we know about you?

It’s all about how you want to come across and how you want people to see you - my profile is kind of silly – because I have a silly sense of humour. However, I’m deaf and I like to throw that into the mix and challenge people’s perceptions of disability. I also mention the webbed toes because….well, actually I don’t know why, I guess it’s just a stupid little factoid about me. I guess the point is no one can really sum themselves up in 160 characters – it’s impossible and far too subjective – so you might as well have a little fun with it.

Finally, don’t feel like your profile words are static and engraved in stone once you’ve written them. I go and tweak mine every couple of months – after all, beavering  might not be my favourite word forever!

Breathing In - Word of The Week

Inspiration n: Stimulation of the mind or emotions to a high level of feeling or activity Ety: c.1300, "immediate influence of God or a god," especially that under which the holy books were written, from O.Fr. inspiration, from L.L. inspirationem (nom. inspiratio), from L.inspiratus, pp. of inspirare "inspire, inflame, blow into," from in-"in" + spirare "to breathe" (see spirit)

(Listen to this whilst you read this post - I wrote this post listening to it)

There is a lot of talk about inspiration being something that `hits` you. That comes out of the blue and kind of, clonks you on the head - a `lightbulb` moment. That's not really how it feels to me. 

Inspiration to me is a state of being. It's an emotion or a state where my head and my heart and everything in my body is aligned perfectly. I feel every bit of oxygen in my body, that my blood is flowing smoothly, that my eyes are open wider, that my ears are listening more keenly and that I am receiving knowledge with every cell of my being. I guess it is akin to a religious experience. I feel that I am my truest self in that moment and so anything I produce - be it writing, blogging, cooking, climbing, talking - is my most honest creation. 

In the movie Stigmata, Patricia Arquette's character is possessed and she quotes from the new testament "the Kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you, not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood... and I am there, lift a stone... and you will find me." 

I'd never heard these words before and they stuck with me. I'm not a religious person but I try to find beauty everywhere, even in the most unlikely places. And that, to me, is inspiration - it's everywhere, you only have to open yourself to seeing it.

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside - Top 10 Alt/Indie Love Songs

So, in case you'd not noticed, it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. And like the unoriginal blogger I am, I thought I'd do a slightly Valentine's themed Top 10 list. I know I should be uber-cool and sneery about Valentines Day and how it's just another way for the marketing gods to get us to spend money on shit we don't need or want but.....I'm a real romantic at heart. I spent so many Valentine's Days alone when I was a teenager and was even the butt of several cruel Valentine's related pranks - so to have someone to share Valentine's with is so lovely. Even after 9 years together, husbando and I still give each other a token card + try to spend a little time together on the day.

Having said all that, a few years ago I decided that Valentine's day shouldn't just be limited to your partners - I love all my friends very much and so I always try to send them a Valentine's message too. After all love can be platonic also. So, lovely readers of my blog, here is my Valentine to each and every one of you - my top 10 favourite love songs.

And btw, before you totally freak out and wonder what kind of blog this is, you should know by now that I don't like regular sappy shit. Hopefully at least one of the songs below will be familiar and tug at your heartstrings also.

Creep - Radiohead
If there is a better song about unrequited love, I don't know it. Thom Yorke's impassioned plea and self-misery may not be to everyone's taste, but I absolutely love this song. And, as someone who has `suffered the pangs of unrequited love` this song was my anthem. Nothing says I love you quite so much as "I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, I don't belong here". Having said that, it's no surprise that the object of his rather obsessive affections runs out the door at the end!

You Look So Fine - Garbage
Another song about unrequited love - but one that I played over and over whilst in pursuit of my husband when I was a university (now I sound like a total looper!!). Rather than the sorrow of Creep, this song, for me, is all about desire and wanting - which comes across so well in the lyrics "I want to take you home/We're wasting time, you're the only one for me". It just gives me goosebumps whenever I hear this song, and makes me smile ruefully, wishing I could go back and tell my 20 year old self not to cry anymore, as she'd end up marrying the person causing the tears!

Crazy - Aerosmith
Well now, aside from possibly being one of my favourite music videos of all time (now there's a top 10 list for the future) - how could you not love Liv Tyler + Alicia Silverstone getting up to no good - I just am totally *crazy* about this song. Yes, it's cheesey, yes, it's big haired naff rock but hell yeah - this list would be nothing without a dirty ditty from Steve Tyler! I'd love to meet (or be, even) the kind of woman that could drive him to write the lyrics "That kinda lovin' turns a man to a slave/That kinda lovin' sends a man right to his grave...That kinda lovin' makes me wanna pull down the shade, yeah!" We've all felt like this for sure - a slave to love, sex and everything in between and Aerosmith sing about it so very charmingly - this song always, but always makes me smile!

Starlight - Muse
I love this song so much that we walked back down the aisle to this at my wedding. It's just such a kick-ass song. I'm not sure it is the most romantic love song ever "I don't know if it's worth it anymore" but Matt Bellamy's pleas to "Hold you in my arms/I just wanted to hold you in my arms" and "My life/You electrify my life" just say it all really! It was such an uplifting song to walk out to and - it allowed me to just add a tiny bit of my rock chick tastes to our rather more elegant + tasteful wedding (my desire to walk down the aisle to Sweet Child of Mine was, sadly, vetoed!).

All Is Full Of Love - Bjork
I don't really have the words to say what this song means to me - but it's my ultimate love song (and another consideration for wedding music, sadly also vetoed on the grounds that it was "too weird" - which surely is never a term that's been used to describe Bjork before....much). Anyway the plaintive melody + Bjork's voice just absolutely haunts me on this one. It totally describes that sensation when you've first fallen in love and you can't think of anything else "Your phone is off the hook/All is full of love/Your doors are all shut/All is full of love". The repetition of all is full of love is so soothing and lovely plus the music video with the Bjorkbot is pretty freakin awesome.

Umbrella - Manic Street Preachers
I was amazed to discover that the music gods that are MSP have done a cover version of Rhianna's 2007 hit - but it is just so cool, as only something created by MSP can be. They've rocked it up big style - love love love the guitars on this one, but what makes it hit my top 10 love songs is also the lyrics.  Slightly cliched they may be, who can beat such gems as "Baby, cause in the dark, you can't see shiny cars/That's when you need me there" and "You can stand under my umbrella". I unashamedly love this song because sometimes, we all need a little bit of support - and to me, love is part of that. Even if you don't agree, it's a great cover version - enjoy!

The Blowers Daughter - Damian Rice
Just. So. Beautiful. I think that this song is actually a very sad love song - about something that has gone terribly wrong. But the repetition of "can't take my eyes off you" just yanks at my heart every time. I think the usage on the Closer soundtrack just makes it more poignant - I shan't say anymore in case you've not seen the film. But anyway, a great song but one you might need tissues for :)

Forever Young - Youth Group
The original version - not the one from the O.C. - and um, another bit of music from my wedding (yeahhhhh I talk about it A LOT don't I - sorry folks!). Anyway, not strictly a love song - more of a political pop song "Are you gonna drop the bomb or not...praising our leaders, we're getting in tune" - it just reminds me of when husbando + I first fell in love, when we were at uni. So it's just personal to us really, but still a great song - and one for sunny summer days, drinking wine and running around having fun. Hope you like it too.

Starcrossed - Ash
Ash's incredible homage to Romeo + Juliet, this list would not be complete without this song! It's just so great - I want to say happy, even though clearly Romeo + Juliet did not have the happiest of endings - but this song is just so full of energy and love. It makes me mouth along to the lyrics when I listen to it on the bus - and when I'm home alone, I sing along enthusiastically. How can you not adore the dulcet tones of Tim Wheeler singing "When your faith turns to despair/Always will my love be there/And never fade away". The guitar solo is also awesome. Listen and love people!

All I Want Is You - U2
Hi, my name is stupidgirl and I'm a.......U2 fan. There, I said it, in public, out loud on my blog. I refuse to live in shame anymore. I know that it's not big and it's not cool but I am a hey-ooge U2 fan. Very sorry if this offends any of you out there who have uber-trendy music tastes, but hey, I never made any pretence of the fact that actually, I am deeply, deeply uncool! So, back to the list + the song. There were so many U2 songs I could have chosen (One, With or Without You at the very least) but for me, this is the ultimate U2 love song. It's so simple and romantic and I get goose bumps every time I hear it. I'll just quote one section of lyrics that sum it all up for me "But all the promises we make/ From the cradle to the grave/ When all I want is you". Even if you think you hate U2 and Bono's preaching, please give this song just one listen, it's worth it I promise.

So that's it! That's my list - as ever thanks for tuning in and please do leave your comment below and share *your* fave love songs - I'd love to broaden my music tastes. In fact, before I go, here are a few of the suggestions that were tweeted at me this afternoon that I liked, so check out the songs + the tweeters!

@petercrosby Chumbawamba - By and By
@_scruffian Kinks - You Really Got Me
@onlyrealhowie Living Colour - Broken Hearts
@nicoleg75 REM - The One I Love
@silverelefanfic Stone Roses - 10 Storey Love Song

I'll be back later in the week with WoTW - Motivation, where I talk about the positive effect that my rock climbing has had on my writing (weirdly) plus the usual interview, photo essay and top 10 next weekend. Thanks for tuning in and have a great week.

Thank you and good night

Stupidgirl has left the building

Can you hear me calling?....Word of the Week

(Vocation n: Specified occupation/a special urge, inclination, or predisposition to a particular calling or career, esp a religious one. Etym: from Latin vocātiō  a calling, from vocāre  to call)

This week's WoTW has been a bit of a slippery fish for me to blog about. It's taken awhile for all my thoughts around Vocation to percolate into some kind of coherent thought and statement about how I feel about `a calling to write`. To give you a heads up, I think this post will be a little more introspective about how I came to write and what drives me. I hope that maybe, in some small way, this resounds with you (my amorphous audience out there) and encourages you with your writing. I shall begin....

I can't say for sure that my desire to write is a calling along the lines of a religious calling, of taking vows and committing to a particular belief or faith *but* I do think that wanting to write, having that burning compulsion to craft or make something from the thoughts in your head requires a faith in something invisible but nevertheless very real and *there* in much the same way that those of a religious calling put their faith in god.

But yet this calling to write is such a fickle siren song for me - it takes so much out of me and gives so little back sometimes. It drives me on to continue putting words and thoughts and feelings onto paper, onto my blog, into my PC, to tweet and facebook and chat to other people endlessly about their writing and reading and blogging. I'm not sure where this drive first came from - I guess it was a song in my heart and head that beckoned me, tempted me, even as a child to put words down on paper.

I loved to read from a young age, to disappear into new worlds, to travel to far flung places from the safety of my playroom (yes, I had a playroom...) so it came as no surprise to anyone, least of all me, that I loved to write as a child. But then I stopped....and I'm not sure why. And I'm not sure how, nearly 20 years later I came to reclaim that cast aside pen and paper and return to the simple process of , well, writing!

I dabbled in poetry as a teenager (didn't we all), I started, fitfully the odd story or idea in my head but then I just ground to halt. I lost all belief in my own abilities as a writer - I told myself that I was worthless, the poems were worthless, there was no point. It was a futile endeavour and best I gave it up now before everyone else could see what a failure I was. But still well into my late teens and early 20's, that siren song to write kept calling me from inside my heart.

Unfortunately, other people seemed to be able to hear it as well. If I had a pound for every time someone - friends, family, work colleagues, total strangers - has asked me if I'm writing a book, when am i going to write a book, am I published yet - well I could fund the libraries myself. So clearly out there, somewhere that siren song is now audible about my person.

I guess, sometime around 2009 I thought `fuck it` and started to give in and swim across to the siren's rock. What if I have a go at this writing *thing*. I just got so fed up with dancing to the same tune, it was time to write to a new one. As I have blogged earlier this year, I dipped my toe in the water by starting this blog for a few months. But then again I doubted myself and I cast my writing aside. Fear of failure yet again preventing me from creating anything much at all.

I trundled on, I got married, I changed jobs - and with my job, I discovered a new me. Yes! I could be creative. Yes! I had ideas - and they may be daft - but they were ideas - and from daftness can, sometimes, come gold. It was as if something had come unstoppered in my head. Where had these ideas come from - this part of my brain that clearly, had lain dormant for years and years. I had denied myself my creative streak and for what reason - nothing at all.

So finally, last november, those `feathery maniacs`, the sirens in my head sang loudly and clearly - and this time I was proud to hear their song -and to sing along with it. I have my 50k of novel, I have this blog - which you people are reading, so I must be doing something right. I think perhaps maybe, I should take pride in the fact that I have this song in my head and in my heart - and this time, I'm listening to it with my whole self.

Thank you and good night

Stupidgirl has left the building

Kindness Is Not A Swear Word

(Kindness n The quality or state of being kind. Kind adj Humane, considerate, tolerant, generous, agreeable, warm-hearted,friendly, charitable, understanding. Ety: from O.E. gecynde "natural, native, innate," related to cynn "family"and pre-Germanic gakundiz)


I've been wanting to use Kindness as WoTW for a little while now, especially after last week's word; I've been blogging regularly for nearly a month now and one thing has really struck me in that time. In all the blogs I read and all the tweople I follow, in all the discussions about writing, writers and authors just seem to be *so* hard on themselves and their work. What happened to being kind to yourself? Just why are we so self-critical and lacking in confidence + self esteem when it comes to our projects and w-i-ps?


Don't get me wrong, I'm no fan of the X-Factor style delusion either (you know, when the tone deaf idiots show up to audition thinking that they're the next Mariah Carey only for SyCo to set them straight). It's important to understand that for the most part your work on a day to day basis isn't going to be the next War and Peace but equally, it's no Snooki/Katie Price either. Why can't we give credit to ourselves for trying to follow our dreams and do something different and creative.


I think maybe some of it is attitude related - I think it's very British not to blow one's own trumpet - but some days I think we need to acknowledge what we've achieved; whether that's an amazing scene, a new plot twist, another 1k/5/10k of words or simply just finding the perfect word for what you're trying to say. Why *not* celebrate that? It is good to recognise when you're just that little bit closer to finishing your masterpiece. It sounds terribly cliched to say *think positive* but sometimes that helps. 


One of the reasons why Nanowrimo worked for me + why it was so great was because of the lack of pressure - all I had to do was work towards a word count. It didn't matter if those words were crap or not - and that was unbelievably liberating. I felt happy to just write and write - and yes there was tons of dross but I think you need to work through the crap to get to mine the gold underneath. This attitude of positivity and kindness is also something I have learned - and practised - at work when it comes to being creative. You genuinely can't get to the really good ideas without chucking around some seriously crazy ones too. In fact I've been told in one job that they paid me to come up with "daft ideas"!! 


So lesson number one, for me at least, about kindness: relax your attitude a little, ease up on the inner criticism and feel free to play around with the crazy ideas and tangents - you never know what amazing plot line or character you might discover.


The other part of kindness, is that it's not just attitudinal, its about how you actually act towards yourself in both giving and receiving kindness. Sometimes when someone is kind to you it's really frickin hard to trust that kindness. After all - as many people on twitter said - an act of kindness is often an act of selflessness, giving without expecting anything in return; in these cynical times of economic doom + gloom it can really be hard to believe that people will give something for nothing. I am particularly learning that with twitter and blogging - that people will RT me or follow me or recommend me or let me interview them - and for what personal gain - nothing. It is amazing to be able to accept that and see that they have faith in me and want to help me. The more I see that the more I want to be kind to other people too. Again another cliche but the whole idea of pay it forward I think makes a big difference. Doing good makes you feel good. 


So lesson number 2 that I have learned is just to accept when other people are kind and *trust* them. To just open up and allow people to be kind to me so that I can learn how to be kind to other people - but also how to be kind to me; which will have a knock on affect on my writing.


I know that this week's WoTW has been a little mushier than usual but I'm in a bit of a reflective mood today. As some of you know (and some of you may not), last year was a bit of a tough year and I had a melt down over Christmas. When I went to see the doctor, as well as giving me meds + an appointment with the counsellor, she also told me to be kinder to myself and to learn how to worry less. So this post is my first tiny step on that journey. I know it's a little self indulgent but I hope you'll forgive me this once.


Thank you and good night


Stupidgirl has left the building


PS Many thanks again to all the tweople who gave me their thoughts on kindness, you know who you are - couldn't have done this without you

This Much I Know Is True - An interview with Alia

Well as I have been hinting for sometime both on here + Twitter, I have finally gone and interviewed someone for the blog. I'd been wanting to interview people after being inspired by the regular piece in the Observer Magazine called `This Much I Know`. I've got quite a list of people waiting to be interviewed - a steampunk author, a multimedia artist living in India, a single mum, a jewellery designer and.....a *mystery* man! Exciting right? Maybe it's just me.

Anyway the first interview is tonight with @AliaMcK who, I have to confess *is* one of my best buddies in real life. However, she is also multi-talented - being a writer, designer and (wedding) dress maker. She is a lover of trashy YA fiction and is Canadian but luckily for me, resides right here in London!

So, we are sitting on my navy l-shaped sofa in my sitting room and we have eaten muchos pizza! Ham + pineapple (her) and pepperoni (me). We are drinking coca-cola and presently we will have some ice cream. Rock and roll right! On with the interview - note, I sent Alia a list of possible questions earlier in the week so she could prepare a little!

Me: What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

Alia: Hmmm (looks thoughtful)...Drive like everyone else is crazy. My granddad gave me and my sister this advice when we were learning to drive. I think it applies to most things - shopping, eating etc. It's a maxim I try to live my life by! (laughs)

Me: If you wrote a personals ad, what would it say? (Alia is married)

Alia: Hah! Does your grout need cleaning? Then I'm your girl! (Alia loves cleaning grout) No, seriously, probably `Do you like the smell of bleach,visiting the recycling depo + rifling through the racks in 2nd hand stores? All of the above seeks same". (I tell her she'd probably end up with girl with that ad!)

Me: I know this is tough question but...what is your all time favourite book?

Alia: Easy, Altered Carbon by Richard Morgan. It's a scifi/noir blend detective fiction novel and I've read it 11 times - and each time I discover something new. The story is so layered, it's like the best trifle!

Me: Okay, so you write a lot. What do you `know` about writing? And you can take that anyway you want it to.....

Alia: (thinks, pauses, lies back on sofa) I know that no two people write the same way. What works for me doesn't neccessarily work for you. You have to find your own way of doing things.

Me: I think that makes sense, and it's kind of reassuring, that it's okay to have your own style, so why do you write?

Alia: Um...I've always written I guess, since I was about 7 or 8 and my sister and I used to put on plays for my parents' friends when they came round for dinner. I write because something intrigues me, I get an idea for something and I want to know what happens. It's like pulling a thread on a sweater and watching how it unravels.

Me: Curiosity is a good trait for a writer! I think I'm just nosy so, in that case, what are you working on now?!

Alia: I'm not exactly sure how to define it but I've been working on a YA fantasy novel for the last couple of years. It's a real work in progress and requiring a lot of procrastinating research. Other than that I've had an essay on justice in detective fiction published online here!

Me: I remember, that was really exciting. Following on from that, what really inspires you?

Alia: Anything really, I know that sounds kind of strange but what I mean is looking at something out of context, not isolating it but separating it from its associations and creating new associations. I've had ideas for corsets from trees, dresses in the grocery store and the idea for my w-i-p came from finding out that there were other options when Canada was named. So wikipedia helped a lot!

Me: Let's move away from writing a little, tell me about your dress designing, how did that start?

Alia: Well, it's kind of a family tradition - all the women in my family can sew, they always have. My grandmother + great-grandmother taught me how when I was around six and it just spiralled from there. Being a theatre major helped too, I had to learn costume design and be able to make things. Now I design evening dresses and wedding dresses and get referrals for these from my friends (smiles at me) 

Me: Aww! Right, lets do some fun questions to finish up! What gets you really excited?

Alia: My vegetable garden! I know it sounds geeky but I love it, it's a really good fit for me, I love growing things and the vegetables I've grown taste so much better than the store bought kind. I don't even have a proper veggie garden, I just grow things in plastic tubs on my patio, I've grown peas, potatoes, lettuce and butter nut squash even. Yummy!

Me: What most irritates you?

Alia:(frowns, looks irritated!) People who are wilfully oblivious

Me: If you were Prime Minister for the day, what would you do?

Alia: Hah, I would create two new laws. One being that all trains have to have more carriages - being at a minimum 12 carriages long. I would also make a law that all engineering on public services (digging up roads) have to finish projects on time, on budget and within the hours of 8pm-4am. Otherwise they get fined (looks smug, I point out it might be noisy) Okay, noisy stuff 8pm-11pm, rest of stuff 11pm-4am.

Me: And finally, what do you know to be true?

Alia: I know that in six months, it's not going to matter. What I mean is, what ever matters now, chances are, it won't in six months. I wish I'd known this when I was a teenager, I would have spent a lot less time stressing!

Me: Thank you! Hope that was okay, let's go have some ice cream and wear face masks!

If you're interested in reading Alia's blog, find it http://howdidilivewithoutit.blogspot.com/ and follow her on twitter @AliaMck

So that's it. First interview over. It's a little rough around the edges but I hope you liked it. I'll be asking everyone slightly different questions depending on who they are + what they do, but the main question is, what do they *know*, what have they learned. And it's just to introduce you to different people who are just like you and me and see how they go about their lives!

Please do comment - good or bad - and also let me know if you'd like an interview! Watch out for a photo essay tomorrow and a top 10 list of things that irritate me on sunday.

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

Bed Surfing When You're Sick

So, brain is still full of fog + dust bunnies as well as my sinuses appearing to be full of quick set cement. I have the world's heaviest face.

I was too tired to even tweet this morning. I had a 3 hour nap which was full of disturbing dreams (note to self, do not take paracetamol on an empty stomach). Since then I have been reading random blogs on the interweb. Here are some that I liked:

Slating SATC2 - warning, this is brutal. It's therefore excellent. Don't get me wrong, I liked the SATC tv show but the movies SUCKED ASS. Big fat ass. Sorry ladies.
Slating Liz Jones'  er, as the link says really.
Daily Mash article spoofing said Liz Jones' article (other good Daily Mash stuff about sex here and on Sarah Palin here)

#savelibraries in top 5 worldwide trends on Twitter was picked up by the Grauniad
Toryboy is sick Lucy Mangan's hilarious article about her sick husband. Man-flu shman flu. "Get Better! Hurry Up!" (i do see the irony in posting this seeing as I am, myself, sick - but i do not require triangular sandwiches, I am merely an *angry* sick person)

Gah, that's enough ranty blogging. Hope you liked the amusing list from yesterday. If you missed it, it's here

Finally, when I was lying in bed with the duvet OVER my head, before dozing off, the following poem came into my head. At the time I thought it was a work of unmitigated genius. Now I see it is the clearly the ramblings of a person made slightly mental by a cold and (yet again) taking paracetamol on an empty stomach. Enjoy the nonsense:

Nonsense Pretentious Poem I Wrote When Sick

"Sometimes - the voices in my head

Go silent - when this happens

It is like a blanket of snow across

my unconscious. I'm not sure

if this is a gag or a

fresh start"

Thank you + good night

Stupidgirl has left the building

Fear - not just a river in North Carolina

Fear (noun) -  distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. (definition + etymology from here)
Etymology - bef. 900; ME fere,  OE fær  sudden attack or danger; c. OS fār  ambush, D gevaar,  G Gefahr  danger, ON fār  disaster

So yes, fear, it's not just a river in North Carolina. We're all afraid of something from snakes and spiders to death, failure and armageddon. Today's blog post is just a short essay-ette on what lurks in the wardrobe and under the bed. 1,2,3 it's coming to get you....

When i was a child I was scared of the dark. I slept with my bedroom door open and the hall light on for comfort. I've never grown out of this feat, I'm still terrified of the dark - it reduces me to a gibbering wreck. I'm not sure what it is that scares me exdactly - it's as if "The Dark" is an amorphous entity in itself - but the lack of all senses save touch (I'm deaf) doesn't help.

I magine wraiths reaching out to grab me with cold clammy hands, demons hiding in the dark waiting to eat my soul, serial killers chasing me down endless corridors with locked doors either side, whilst spiders and snakes writhe underfoot! (did I mention, I have a vivid, childlike imagination!)

I think it's really a fear of being trapped somewhere with no escape route too - as I'm mildly claustrophobic (no spelunkers on this blog!) and paradoxically, I also have a touch of agoraphobia (from the ancient greek for fear of the market place). I hate airports and huge shopping complexes and municipal buildings with no visible windows or exits and entrances. For some reason I need to know I can escape....

I'm not even sure what I need to escape from, maybe it's more a need to escape "to" something - something familiar and known, which leads me to believe this is linked to a fear of being alone and abandoned, which I think we can all relate to. Self imposed isolation is one thing, loneliness is quite another. One of the worst nightmares I ever had was populated with people with no faces, no matter what happened in the dream. The feeling of total ostracism and isolation was so overwhelming, I woke up crying.

As well as these fears linking to a desire for the familar, the ordinary, everyday and known, I have real problems adjusting to change and visiting new places - these can be very difficult and stressful for me, and I am beginning to realise I'm not alone in this. With the world becoming smaller almost everyday and an abililty to contact people all over the planet, it seems common place for people to travel to extreme far flung places - and the implication is that if you don't do this, come judgement day all these non-travelling luddites will be left behind. That's not to say I won't try new things or go to new places but it's hard, sometimes the adrenline starts running through my body weeks before a change to my routine or visit to somewhere new.

It's almost pleasurable, a mix of terror at the unpredictability and pleasure and excitement at something new. And yet there is no 'high' when I have survived whatever it is, only exhaustion. It is rarely ever as bad as i have feared but I can never celebrate this, there is always something new to anticipate. Perhaps I am addicted to fear and anxiety.

A short survey of my friends would indicate that my other fears - spiders, snakes, sharks, heights, deep water, failure are also incredibly common. Many of them mentioned fears linked to other people - but the opposite of abandonment - a  fear of talking to people face to face, of walking into parties and not knowing anyone. I think we've definitely all been there - a fear of judgement, of laughter and talking behind our backs, mockery and fingers pointing. Which then leads back to feeling alone and abandoned. Linking to this, something that really came out of my 'fear surveys' was not of a fear for one's own safety, but a fear for one's loved ones - in particular your children. It makes me wonder, are all my fears just really selfish and will I change when I have children? I don't know but I hope so.

Sometimes it seems like every minute of every day there is something to be afraid of and worry about. To my mind, on a bad day, just getting out of bed is an achievement. To some people this may seem like such a total over-reaction but remember that all this fear and worry is in my head; few people - til this blog - really know the extent of it, I think the outside world would never know - until my fear completely prevents me from doing something.

That's because my over-riding fear is one of missing out, of being left behind - of a life half lived and all that. Every day I face my fears and battle my demons so that I can wrestle my life into some semblance of happiness and live the life I feel I should be living.

Thank you and good night (don't forget to lock your doors now....)

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS Thanks to all the tweeple who took the time to tell me about their fears, really appreciate your honesty folks. Hope you like the blog x