Depression & Anxiety in Pregnancy 4: Heading For the Finish Line

This is the final part in my series on Depression + Anxiety in pregnancy. You might like to read part one, two and three before this one!

Once in the 3rd tri and close to finishing work, the anxiety lessened a little. I no longer had to battle public transport worrying that I would throw up on someone or pee myself. I could sleep and eat whenever I wanted. However, I was still a hormonal fed up monster thanks to unrelenting nausea, heartburn and braxton hicks from 18 weeks.When people told me I'd probably go two weeks overdue, I wanted to both kill them and cry my eyes out.... 

At 32 weeks (and well over 13 stone!)

Although the depression had lifted pretty much, I had a wobble when I finished work. I should have been thrilled - I could rest, fart, read and enjoy time on my own - but something wasn't right, I felt useless! I'd had a job since I left uni 10 years earlier, and worked through summers and school before that. Now I was work-less but not unemployed. I had a baby, but I wasn't a mummy - yet. I felt in limbo and it scared me. Our identities are so caught up in what we `do` - work or parenting or playing. But I wasn't really doing any of that yet and I felt weird and un-busy. 

It sounds crazy written down - but that's the point really - here was another part of pregnancy I wasn't ready for and the hormone soup in my head played havoc with it. As a first time mum, I found the waiting-for-baby to come quite isolating. I didn't have any mummy friends yet - everyone was at work pretty much - and I didn't have the energy to drag my fat ass to the city for a 40 minute coffee. I didn't have anyone to talk to really.

I know this is where the NCT group thing is supposed to help but I didn't want to spend the money. And I just didn't feel like i'd connect with other mummies to be, because I thought I wasn't good enough.  I was very lucky though to be under the care of Streatham Valley midwives because they ran a 6 week ante-natal classes course as part of our treatment and I did meet some new mummy friends that way. However as I was due first....yup you guessed it....none of them were on mat leave yet. So I was confused, lonely and scared on top of all the 3rd trimester chaos.

After a couple of weeks of this, nesting kicked in and distracted me from my worries. But then at 37+ something....things began to happen. My birth story is best left to another post but even as things were kicking off in earnest, I was still in denial about being in labour. I refused to pack my bag (I know, I know, it should have been done already), insisting everything was going to stop, that this wasn't it, I was fine (whilst on my hands and knees). 

It wasn't until I threw the phone across the room when talking to my midwife that she insisted we come in to hospital "otherwise you'll be delivering this baby at home".  So er, I arrived at the hospital at 9cm. After a "fun" cab journey through south London at 3am. But that's a story for another post.....

So by the end of my pregnancy, I wasn't in too bad a place - but I got there with an awful lot of help and support.  I would have been in a much worse state without it - and it set me up for a better than expected start once Baby45 arrived. I hope this series of posts has been interesting to read and that if you've had low mood or AND in pregnancy, it's made you feel better - you're not the only one. 

Enjoyed this post? Don't forget to check out parts one, two and three also....