13 May 2009

Standing In The Way of Control

Thanks Beth Ditton. Couldn't think of a better way to launch back into the blog than with a title from a song by an obese lesbian singer that has posed nude on the cover of an arthouse glossy mag. And it is a fricking great song. Again with the lesbians in my blog. I must be obsessed.
And I am to a degree, obsessed with women's bodies. Although not so much in *that* way anymore.Oversharing corner, that's this blog this evening.

So yes, I've been badgirl blogger recently. *hangs head in shame*. Sorry, real life took over. I didn't have time to rant and write incoherent editorial on random topics that entered my head for an invisible audience living in my computer. I had stuff to do. Like stay up late and write out evening wedding invitations (for future reference, this is a bad idea - in hindsight, this should have been obvious). Or see actual real live friends. Or put together the layout of the book of my boudoir pics (frickin website crashed half way through - sucked big time). Oddly enough I have had no time to unblock the sink (SB seems to be shirking his man duties here big time - we are so gender specific in our chores - the 1950's are alive and well in stupidland), neither have I had time to deal with the EU mountain of laundry in our bedroom. Or put away the other EU mountain of clean laundry. Shirley Conran got it wrong when she said `Life is to short to stuff a mushroom`, what she actually meant was `life is too short to pair up all the black socks in the laundry basket and wonder what to do with all the odd ones`.

Instead I have been busy being Goodgirl and going indoor rock climbing.Yes, you heard that right. Sport climbing. Me, a dyed in the wool JP, climbing. I had to cut all my carefully sea-kelp supplemented nails off, remove my rock and wear 3/4 length trousers. Which really do nothing for an hourglass figure. And I'm still recovering from the shock of what, exactly, a harness does for your ass and muffin top. It's not good. Seriously. Its like wearing the outline of a giant nappy. And the last time I wore anything that came upto my belly button was in about 1995. Yes, sorry but that whole fashion for high-waisted stuff back in around April 2008 was just not something I was going to EVER seriously consider. Unless my body divided itself in half.

Anyway climbing. To those who didn't know, my body looks like I've been partaking in some serious S&M. Rope burns on my hand (which bloody hurt). My knees are a kind of greeny-browny-yellowy-purpley-black colour. Which just clashes with like, everything.... Tons of scrapes on my arms and elbows. And my whole body ached like i'd been whipped for several hours. (just to be clear, I never actually have been whipped for several hours - although I like to think I'd make a decent Dom) And to be honest I think climbing is actually more fun that S&M. Although I did completely freeze at the top of the rope on Sunday morning. But I would say that is a fairly normal response when you're 12 meters off the floor and your eejit of a boyfriend is encouraging you let go of the wall and clutch onto a KNOT while he lowers you to the floor. Perhaps I just have issues with letting go and trust?
Anyway I'm going back on saturday for more. I'm just a glutton for punishment. But I do know how to tie a decent knot now. Perhaps I could be a Dom......

What else has been going on? Well lets see - I've been forced to hand over 4years of expenses to my ....oh no, sorry was getting myself confused with ALL THE MP'S SIPHONING OFF TAX PAYERS MONEY!!! Sorry just a bit irate over this one. It's just funny that they thought they could get away with it for so long. I mean really, £41k worth of house improvements, ££ on a boat, christ's sake its ridiculous.

And then swine flu - which as some wag said "is it just the past tense of pigs might fly?" Indeed. Pandemic shmandemic. It'll never happen, although sneezing/coughing is now a big no-no on public transport. Unless you want the entire carriage to shunt away from you and to be shunned by the people in the seats nearest you. Like, hello IT'S HAYFEVER SEASON. Duh. Although I did have a couging fit in Tesco on my lunch break the other day and by the time I got out of the shop I was convinced I had swine flu, TB and was coughing up blood.
Except I wasn't.
Can anyone say `hypochondriac`?

Anyway that's it. I'm fairly senseless with anger by now because the troglodyte on The Apprentice that I think looks like the *thing* out of the Saw movies has not been fired. There is no justice in the world. I need to go and have a little lie down. Thank you and good night.

Stupidgirl has left the building