31 Dec 2013

Giving Up Facebook

So I'm giving up Facebook for a month, starting from tonight. I know, how will I cope, I hear you ask? I am a fully paid up FB addict - always on chat/commenting/liking/sharing/posting and notifying the world of my (or more like Baby45's) every bowel movement.

Why am I giving it up? Well, I think it is taking up too much of my time. I haven't blogged regularly for almost two years now - and yes, the small toddler shaped hole in my time is partially responsible but also, I haven't gotten anywhere with this year's Nanowrimo book that I've written 4k of. However mostly it's because there are a lot of people - off and on Facebook - that I've not properly maintained an "IRL" relationship with for some time now - even years in some cases.

I think Social Media - and Facebook in particular - has made me sloppy when it comes to friendships. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be without my LNMC crew and my other friends on chat and Facebook who have gotten me through the changes of the last few years. No, it's more that I feel I am not giving enough or doing enough with those friends who - understandably - don't just want to be broadcast to.

I feel a little like I'm saying, let's not chat properly about what's happening, just go check out my facebook page - you can see what Baby45 had for lunch, that I shared several "totes cray cray" Buzzfeed lists and a blurry selfie. Wow, scintillating isn't it. I'm arrogantly assuming that people are just that interested.Where is the depth to the relationships, how am I giving something back? A quick "happy birthday lovely xxx" on a wall doesn't replace a card, a gift, a coffee or a call. Instead it just shows that Facebook reminded me.

I am exaggerating a touch here, I greatly value the convenience of Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family across the world, to contribute to groups where I can help other mums, to arrange parties and playdates. But this is a wake up call to me to really cherish the people who are important to me in 2014 - and beyond.  And by that I don't mean a quick mass BCC email tomorrow saying "let's me up for a coffee" and that being all.

No, this year, there will be coffees, cocktails, playdates, swim classes, picnics, parties, day trips but also long emails, phone calls and even, letters. Proper birthday cards and catch ups. I don't expect to just pick up where I left off with friendships, they'll need to built back up again, that takes time. But hopefully without Facebook taking up so much time, I'll be able to do that.

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building x

30 Aug 2013

The Mum I Never Thought I'd Be

This is the sort of mum/life I thought I'd have when I had Baby45.
  • I thought Baby45 would be late, that I'd be induced, that I'd be in labour FOREVER, that labour would be agony, that I'd know when I was ready to go to hospital, that I'd need an epidural/a c-section/intervention/stitches/shit myself.
  • I thought I'd maybe breastfeed for a bit. I thought it was pretty gross but you know, needs must.
  • I thought that we'd be sleepless/sleep deprived for a bit. But then he'd start sleeping through. Because apparently babies do. I also thought I understood what sleep deprived and tired meant and that they were one and the same.
  • I thought I would be fine when Baby45 moved into his own room and out of ours. I thought he would sleep in his own bed.
  • I thought baby carrying looked like fun but buggies were where it's at.
  • I thought I would be a die-hard BLWer* and if not I would make lovely healthy purees packed full of nutrients and veggies and organic produce.
  • I thought my house would be tidy, the laundry done and dinner ready. I thought I'd give a shit about these things (I can hear you laughing from here)
  • I thought that I could put Baby45 down in one place and he'd stay there and amuse himself whilst I blogged/tided/cooked.
Yeahhhhhhhhh I thought *all* of this stuff. Apparently I was wrong.
  • Baby45 was in a hurry to get here, arrived 2 weeks early, he was tiny despite my massive bump, I did it all without any pain relief (but I did picture rock climbing routes to get me through), I had no stitches, did not shit myself but am in no great hurry to do it ever again. I should say that I cry when I stub my toe. I also nearly had him at home (accidently!).
  • We are still breastfeeding at nearly a year old. I have breastfed on the tube, the bus, the train (do TfL do some sort of Brownie badge for feeding on all forms of transport?). I have fed in the pub, numerous cafes, at the climbing wall, on hikes, in estate agents, at networking events, on the toilet, in a job interview and in GAP changing rooms. 
  • Baby45 has not taken to BLW as much as this mummy would like. He has had more food from pouches than I would like (hi there Auntie Ella). He has also had cake, biscuits, ice cream, chips and juice. And also Petit Filous. Which in some parenting circles is viewed as on a par with giving your child crack.....He has also eaten pesto, ciabatta, prawns, chilli, linguine, blueberries, lemon, aubergine and tortelloni (he also reads the guardian too....)
  • I have cleared up more poo than I could ever have imagined. But I don't mind. Despite needing a hazmat suit. Once it's cleaned up, there's a lovely pink bottom to kiss. And nothing beats kissing a pink baby bottom. Except maybe baby feet.
  • Sleep. Lack of. Only provided in blocks of 2hours for the first say, 7 months of Baby45's life.  He has slept through twice. Well, he has slept 7-7 twice. Sleeping through is considered sleeping 12-5. Which he has not done that often. This is why you sleep so much as a teenager. To store up sleep to be used up when you have a baby. I have not had a full night's sleep since I think March 2012. Being pregnant isn't conducive to sleeping through either. Someone is usually jumping on your bladder. From the inside.
  • Electric sockets, cleaning products and dirty nappies....are the bestest most fun toys in Baby45's universe. Even though we seem to own every Lamaze/FisherPrice toy known to man - all aimed to stimulate his tiny brain and produce the next Einstein. I'm not sure I want Baby45 to be the next Einstein. By all accounts he wasn't the happiest guy on earth.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I couldn't have really imagined what it was like to be a mum. The media portrayal of motherhood is so skewed into tribes - yummy mummy, working mummy, slummy mummy, ASBO mummy. It seems like a Just 17 quiz - pick the type of mummy you want to be. But it doesn't work like that and you find your own way and your own path.  And you wing it. Anyone who says they're not winging it is lying. There is no manual, no rule book - only guidelines and advice and "helpful" suggestions. You just have to make a decision as to what to do and hope for the best.

Thank you and good night,

Stupidgirl45 has left the building

*BLW - Baby Led Weaning

PS  My writing is very rusty. I apologise for this. I am forcing myself to write in the hope that it'll ease up a bit and then I might actually work on a larger project (which is not in any way a novel. no. it is not. and if it is. it does not involve breastfeeding.)

20 Aug 2013

It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn....Lyric Day

I last did a lyric day in December 2011. So I've listened to a fair few songs since then :P It was a little hard therefore to pick one for my first lyric day since my impromptu blogging hiatus. But we're back with a bang.

I first heard this song on the episode of How I Met Your Mother and immediately loved it. I listened to it a lot when I was pregnant - Baby45 used to kick lots whenever I played it and after he was born it always soothed him :) I think it's such an uplifting, redemptive song, even though the lyrics are quite dark in places. It always makes me feel stronger, that I can carry on. When I was so sick and tired of being pregnant and feeling messed up and hormonal it kept me sane and positive.

It also reminds me a lot of my sister, inexplicably - I think just because she's a fan of F+TM. So here you go.....

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS In case you missed it, here are the previous Lyric Days and....here is the blogpost from last week

15 Aug 2013

Wading Back In

*Tiptoes back into the room* 

Hi everyone, I know I've not posted in awhile and I'm a bit late to the party but here are my thoughts on the Kate Middleton post baby body issue.

“Why does she still have a bump?” er,  because she had a baby 24 hours previously. I don’t blame the Sky presenter for this comment though, I blame the media in general. No one knows what a recent post-baby body looks like because new mummies tend to be a tad busy and when famous people have babies, we never actually see them until they get conveniently papped on their way to/from the gym/yoga-lates/running with a personal trainer looking like they've never sprogged.

“Getting your body back”.... see, I have other priorities. I work for a tiny incontinent dictator who requires every minute of my time 24/7.  Really, if Baby45 was a paying employer, I would take him to tribunal for poor working conditions and not allowing me my EU mandated work breaks every 6 hours. Not to put too fine a point on it but here are some examples about lack of me time:

  • There have been many, MANY days in the past year where I have not eaten breakfast, or lunch until a ridiculously silly hour.  Let's not talk about dinner.
  •  When I have not been to the toilet until the only other option was actually putting on an adult nappy 
  •  When being approx. 2cm away from Baby45 has resulted in a screaming meltdown and shock that I should want to say, put some clean clothes on.
So really when, exactly, should I have time to tuck my newly stretched baggy belly into some spandex and hurl myself around a torture chamber  gym studio?*Also, aside from lack of time, I have a lovely squishy, smiley, cheeky, bitey, poo-ey, baby to play with. And we have a sort of mutual adoration society thing going on. Really I should hand out sick bags. But seriously, the gym isn't competing with this one.