- I thought Baby45 would be late, that I'd be induced, that I'd be in labour FOREVER, that labour would be agony, that I'd know when I was ready to go to hospital, that I'd need an epidural/a c-section/intervention/stitches/shit myself.
- I thought I'd maybe breastfeed for a bit. I thought it was pretty gross but you know, needs must.
- I thought that we'd be sleepless/sleep deprived for a bit. But then he'd start sleeping through. Because apparently babies do. I also thought I understood what sleep deprived and tired meant and that they were one and the same.
- I thought I would be fine when Baby45 moved into his own room and out of ours. I thought he would sleep in his own bed.
- I thought baby carrying looked like fun but buggies were where it's at.
- I thought I would be a die-hard BLWer* and if not I would make lovely healthy purees packed full of nutrients and veggies and organic produce.
- I thought my house would be tidy, the laundry done and dinner ready. I thought I'd give a shit about these things (I can hear you laughing from here)
- I thought that I could put Baby45 down in one place and he'd stay there and amuse himself whilst I blogged/tided/cooked.
- Baby45 was in a hurry to get here, arrived 2 weeks early, he was tiny despite my massive bump, I did it all without any pain relief (but I did picture rock climbing routes to get me through), I had no stitches, did not shit myself but am in no great hurry to do it ever again. I should say that I cry when I stub my toe. I also nearly had him at home (accidently!).
- We are still breastfeeding at nearly a year old. I have breastfed on the tube, the bus, the train (do TfL do some sort of Brownie badge for feeding on all forms of transport?). I have fed in the pub, numerous cafes, at the climbing wall, on hikes, in estate agents, at networking events, on the toilet, in a job interview and in GAP changing rooms.
- Baby45 has not taken to BLW as much as this mummy would like. He has had more food from pouches than I would like (hi there Auntie Ella). He has also had cake, biscuits, ice cream, chips and juice. And also Petit Filous. Which in some parenting circles is viewed as on a par with giving your child crack.....He has also eaten pesto, ciabatta, prawns, chilli, linguine, blueberries, lemon, aubergine and tortelloni (he also reads the guardian too....)
- I have cleared up more poo than I could ever have imagined. But I don't mind. Despite needing a hazmat suit. Once it's cleaned up, there's a lovely pink bottom to kiss. And nothing beats kissing a pink baby bottom. Except maybe baby feet.
- Sleep. Lack of. Only provided in blocks of 2hours for the first say, 7 months of Baby45's life. He has slept through twice. Well, he has slept 7-7 twice. Sleeping through is considered sleeping 12-5. Which he has not done that often. This is why you sleep so much as a teenager. To store up sleep to be used up when you have a baby. I have not had a full night's sleep since I think March 2012. Being pregnant isn't conducive to sleeping through either. Someone is usually jumping on your bladder. From the inside.
- Electric sockets, cleaning products and dirty nappies....are the bestest most fun toys in Baby45's universe. Even though we seem to own every Lamaze/FisherPrice toy known to man - all aimed to stimulate his tiny brain and produce the next Einstein. I'm not sure I want Baby45 to be the next Einstein. By all accounts he wasn't the happiest guy on earth.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I couldn't have really imagined what it was like to be a mum. The media portrayal of motherhood is so skewed into tribes - yummy mummy, working mummy, slummy mummy, ASBO mummy. It seems like a Just 17 quiz - pick the type of mummy you want to be. But it doesn't work like that and you find your own way and your own path. And you wing it. Anyone who says they're not winging it is lying. There is no manual, no rule book - only guidelines and advice and "helpful" suggestions. You just have to make a decision as to what to do and hope for the best.
Thank you and good night,
Stupidgirl45 has left the building
*BLW - Baby Led Weaning
PS My writing is very rusty. I apologise for this. I am forcing myself to write in the hope that it'll ease up a bit and then I might actually work on a larger project (which is not in any way a novel. no. it is not. and if it is. it does not involve breastfeeding.)