Looking Ahead/A Personal Pep Talk

Dear Future-Me,

This is a tricky letter to write because when I was younger I never expected to get this far, never expected to live past 30, so I hadn't thought about life after that and what it would look like. I didn't plan on achieving anything. But contrary to how I felt as a teenager, I'm somewhere I hadn't planned for - so how do I imagine beyond that.

So then, what do I want to say to future me? Why am I bothering other than as a way of filling blog space in this daily blog post challenge? I guess maybe I'm a bit superstitious of the power of the written word. That once it's down on paper, it's more likely to come true because you're more likely to make it so because you're more accountable to it. Why can't I just come out and say it? I want to finish my book and ideally get it published. 

So future me, I hope you finished your book that this snippet is from. You edited it. And then you edited it again (as the song goes, "all kill their inspiration/and sing about their grief"). And then you submitted it to agents. I feel stupid wishing for any more than that. Damn, why is it so scary vocalising my dreams. I've written on this blog, over and over, that I want to write a book. So what am I waiting for?

I'm scared to call myself a writer sometimes. How do I earn this badge? I've been writing since I was a child. Stories and poetry as a teenager, as a young adult. And then I stopped. For about 10 years. I just didn't want to write, there was nothing to write, I wrote myself off. Then I started this blog - there are probably 100,000 words on here. And I completed Nanowrimo. I've started, at last count, 7 "novels" - written anywhere from 6,000 words to 50,000 words of them. I've guest blogged and given tonnes of blogging advice. At work I've written hours of copy, press releases and presentations. And mostly I've read my ass off. But in my eyes, I'm not a writer. I'm a wannabe. 

I think like climbing, I need to do it. Because this book isn't going away - the voices of the characters in my head aren't getting any quieter. Why do I need to write this book? It's a bit like why people climb Everest - because it's there. I can write this book, I just need to get it down on paper.

Writing is very simple really, you just have to get the words from your head, onto paper - and have them mean to your reader, exactly what they mean to you. So I'd better get on with it then.

Thank you and good night,

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS This post is a semi follow up to this post. 
PPS ICYMI here's the blog post on some of my favourite books.

Shouting Into The Void

As I promised, another snippet of fiction tonight, after last night's post. I don't know why I'm posting this here. I'm pretty sure this is the female equivalent of Adrian Mole's `Lo, The Flat Hills of My Homeland`. But anyway, here's some more drivel for you. Someone's already told me I'm perfect today, my day can only get worse.

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Untitled 

The road spread out before us like a big grey vein, I want to lie down on it and snort the lines up into the back of my head and out of my eyes like one huge trip. The sea goes past on one side and the cliff face on the other. The sun is bright across the windscreen and the music is loud and I feel alive like I haven’t for so long. I’ve done it, I’ve run away.

The past recedes behind me, swallowed up in miles of tarmac, a physical distance between those who love me and those who I love. I am caught in the middle in some extreme battle of wills and desire and fire like a light spearing down inside of me. I am caught and thrashing on the bait hook of my freedom. It catches in my belly and I smile and gasp with the pleasure in pain.

A finger on my arm and goose bumps track up to my neck and down the nerve ending in my back and my skin crawls towards my passenger. Repulsion and compulsion together, magnetic poles never together never apart.

I’ll confess, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m an unreliable narrator in my own life. I don’t know what I believe or what’s the truth, what I want or really feel. I’m fickle and skittish with feet of clay. Resistant to change but fighting the cage of domesticity around me, a gilded cage trapping me in my own lies. My duplicity astounds me and I am spinning, spun out on my own lies and deceit. The suitcase I packed, innocent in the boot, my bag in the footwell next to me.

And now here we are, the car parked in some alley way, following a man up a crumbling flight of stone steps. The smell of beer and piss and drains and fat made solid around us as we head towards a bar, a bed, some silence for the voices in my head.

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Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

And now for something completely different

As I'm struggling to blog every night because frankly, my life isn't that interesting, I thought I'd do the writing equivalent of strip naked. I'd post some of my fiction writing. One piece tonight, one tomorrow (if I still feel this brave) and then you can tell me which piece I should continue with. I wrote the below in about 15 minutes a couple of weeks ago.

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A First Brilliant Sight of Snow

I stop the car and, as the engine cuts out I realise that we are not alone - Silence surrounds us and coats us, it is absolute, an entity in itself. The earth we know is shut up and put away into a cupboard. This, the first and final sight of snow is heart-breaking in its beauty.

The flakes fold us into their crystalline embrace, confetti on our faces and in our hair. Genie looks up, blinks away the whiteness on his lashes, licks the flakes from his freckled nose. The trees are laden down, branches almost touching the ground so heavy are they. The lake itself is brilliantine, framed by white – trees, bulrushes, grassy banks – all gone under a smooth blanket of snow.

My face is wet, at first I think – I know – it to be snowflakes, of course. But then I realise it’s tears, falling out of my eyes like pearls, my body reacting before my mind can even take in the scene in front of me. Genie, out of the car, out of the train, the bus and the airplane, is frozen to the spot with the magic before us.

I put my arm tight around him, as close as I am permitted. But instead of pulling away, bashful, for once he nestles in close, head under my armpit, mittened hand around my waist. He looks at me and I look at him. He smiles at me, a smile I've not seen for a very long time. Not a smile of resignation, or acceptance, or mollification – sad though it is that a 7 year old knows how to do this. No, this is a smile of sheer pleasure.

I know he can’t wait any longer and I remove his arm from around my waist. I kneel down so I am face to face with him – and distracted by this, I manage to ram a fluffy fistful of snow down the back of his coat. He shrieks with laughter.

“Go on then, lie down!”

“You too, you too mum, you promised”

We fling ourselves onto the ground, arms and legs outstretched in a strange parody of a seizure. Back and forth we move our limbs. Leaping to our feet, to avoid ruining the outlines, Genie looks down at our snow angels and smirks.

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Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

Doing The Same Thing Over Again

The definition of insanity is said to be doing the same thing over and over again and expecting results. Sometimes, with this daily blogging task, I have wondered if there is actually any point. I guess it's natural I'd feel like that - it's day 10 and I'm almost half way there already, but also not near enough the finish line to see the tape. It's at this point that I often lose a bit of heart in new endeavours and projects. But I'm really, really bloody stubborn and hate giving up, even if things look a bit rocky (this is not always a good thing!)

It's not that I don't care about the project, despite it's seeming lack of end goal, it's that I'm tired. I know I say that a lot but it's true, I'm pretty much always tired by the time I sit down to write - it's rare that this happens before 10pm. By which time I've usually been up for 16hours.

I know it's good writing practice to write every day, but I feel like I'm churning out quantity over quality here and kind of dialling it in on occasion (here and here). Ideally you're supposed to do your writing practice in the morning - 3 pages (size unspecified, hello there tiny notepad...), whilst you're fresh and awake - that's never going to happen. 

Even if I sort the timing issue, I'm feeling that by writing every day, I'm a bit hit and miss with topics and quality of writing. I'm boring myself sometimes and I'm not even sure if I'm writing for an audience, writing to keep up with my month-long goal, or just exploring ideas - or a mix of all three. 

It's hard because I don't have as long as I want to let ideas percolate (several weeks) and I'm having to just (wo)man up and write the damn posts. Not every topic flows from my fingers and I like to use precise wording and sentence structure convey my point from my conscious to my readers' conscious. That's hard to do without time to think and process - and time to choose appropriate wording. 

But what I learned from doing Nanowrimo in 2010 was to just write and silence your inner critic. To keep writing and writing and writing - and even though 90% of it was crap, once you warmed up you'd get some decent sections of text to work with (that's if I ever get around to finishing and editing my 50k start of a novel). 

I need to buck up my ideas and stop trying to stick to my arbitrary rules of writing, to let myself be more creative and write more freely. Not for an audience but for me. I think the part of your brain governing creativity is like a muscle - the more you use it, the more neural pathways you grow and the stronger it gets - the more creative you become and I guess create something worthwhile.

There's another 18 days of this month long blogging assignment left. In that I think I need to remind myself of this post on occasion and give myself permission to censor myself less. I know this is really going to be tedious to many people - someone blogging about trying to write more. 

But if my end goal is really to get to grips with the two lots of 6k words of books I've started and make a go of them, I need to think like a sports player. I need to train so that get better and stronger and achieve my dream. That might even mean posting some fiction on here. Who knows.

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building 

No News Is Good News

So, I had thought of several different topics I wanted to blog about today. But I'm too tired. Boooooo. We've had a busy weekend and I've done a lot of chores. The laundry is done and put away, the spare room is clear and fit for purpose. All rooms are tidy, all toys away, all washing up done. I've not done any cooking though.

So I guess my #nofilter is that tonight, I'm too lazy/too tired to blog properly. But here's a picture of Baby45 to make up for it.

That's it for tonight, I'll be back tomorrow to continue my month of blogging under the topic of #nofilter. If you've missed what this is all about, here's my starter post. I'm also quite proud of yesterday's post and this one also on writing. And finally in #tbt sort of way, here's a post I wrote back in 2012 about my hopes for Baby45 when he was a bump.

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

On Writing - filters off

I'm discovering that it's hard to write every day. Especially after work or a day running around after a toddler. I'm really tired and the words just don't come so easily.

 Normally when I write up a blog post, it's been planned for awhile - mostly just in my head. I'll have had an idea or been inspired by something or intrigued by a concept. This will percolate in my head - I kind of brainstorm it internally  when I have a quiet moment, usually when I'm in the shower or on the train - or cooking. Lots of smaller ideas and thoughts kind of coalesce together to form a narrative. I then let this sit in my head some more until I've almost gotten all the words and everything I want to say in my head verbatim. Then I blog it. Often I go back and edit and re-write sections but mostly it comes out on the the computer straight from my head. With this every day writing, I don't have the chance to do that.

It's not so much that the ideas don't come - it's more the time to expand on them, to do that internal brainstorming to connect the ideas with smaller thoughts and musings - that just isn't happening. Sometimes it takes me months to get a blogpost together in my head - but then sometimes just days. It seems to me to be quite an ineffective way of writing regularly really, the need to stick to and expound on one subject. How do columnists and regular journalists do it?

I guess it's also because I like to stick to one concept or idea per post and let the narrative flow from there. I've never really skipped around to cover a couple (or more) unrelated topics in one place. Mostly I guess because I feel that blog posts should be short and so jumping around isn't great for a reader or a writer - it's hard to stop on a subject once you get started and for your audience it's maybe a bit of an anti climax - stopping before you really got started.

But maybe I'm doing my writing practice and my media (blogging) a disservice. By sticking to just one way of writing and one style am I limiting my growth as a writer (if I can call myself that). Is this daily blogging the opportunity to try new things and challenge and stretch myself more when I write?

When I decided to do this project, to try to write daily, I did it very much from the perspective of what interested me and not as a way to increase monthly page views. I think the #nofilter topic is interesting and if I pushed at things and put links in the right places, I could really work those up. But that wasn't what this is about. Writing purely for an audience and to feed my ego just isn't healthy and it's not a good idea to just get hung up on the stats. It makes me wary of not being able to happen on a hot topic that's got social media buzzing and also pathetically envious when someone else does. And I'm pretty sure those people whose blog posts suddenly get crazy views didn't write them to drive traffic, they wrote from the heart.

I need to focus on this month as an exercise that will grow my confidence and self belief as a writer to have the confidence to work on my novel more and stop procrastinating. I hope it will also help me to get better at writing on the hoof, on the fly and produce ideas faster. They don't have to be quality ideas but eventually, like monkeys, typewriters and shakespeare, one of those ideas is going to further my novel.

Oddly enough this blog post has actually gone against what I intended - to try to write on 2-3 shorter topics. Instead this has come straight out of my head unedited as a fairly steady narrative. So what that says about my writing I'm not sure. I guess I find it very hard to stray from the arbitrary writing rules my subconscious is adhering to.

For those of you wondering where the #nofilter moment is today - well this blog post literally is it. No filters, straight off the top of my head, this is what I'm thinking about right now at almost 10pm at night whilst I semi watch the opening Six Nations game. And I feel oddly soothed by having this massive braindump (fnar). I guess writing is more cathartic than I thought it was. Anyway, thats one week of blogging done. Which is cool.

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

Definitely A No Filters Day

I'm writing this at gone 10 in the evening after a long day day with a sick toddler in which I attempted to also get some work done. My brain is utterly frazzled, I've had 10 hours sleep since Monday (it's Wednesday evening).

So no great deep and meaningfuls this evening...only in that the house is sort of a mess, Baby45 got some pinterest-style parenting (he cut up paper with his paper scissors) and I got some work done. I'm looking pretty ratty, the spot on my chin is EVEN BIGGER WTF but I'm wearing my galaxy leggings which I'm pretty sure I'm too old for but WTF who cares.

Today has been generally `meh`. I also did some laundry, thanks to Baby45 chucking most of a bottle of milk onto a duvet which soaked through to the bed. So at least I didn't leave it to fester.

We didn't eat that unhealthily although obviously my little darling rejected home made soup for dry cornflakes, a yoghurt and some banana. He also had way too much not very diluted Ribena and I-don't-know-how-many fig rolls. But I am too tired to worry overly about it. The meltdown at bedtime due to overtiredness may have been caused by this. Or maybe just because I refused to let him watch unlimited Mister Maker on our tablet in his cot.....

In between all that, I read this post about Louise O'Neill and I realised I am being utterly pathetic and defeatist about not getting around to writing more. I don't mean blogging, I mean working on my writing project (when i say novel or book, sometimes I feel like a fraud, it's only 6k words - today is one of those days).  I need to woman up and believe in myself and my book and write the damn thing and stop worrying about genres and sell through and supermarket book clubs (there is nothing worse for the confidence of an aspiring writer than working the Sales team of major book publishers...)

So that's it for today. Let's hope for a night of better sleep and a day involving less snot and no requests for "dirty nappy back on mummy"......

Thank you and good night

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS Again, written on the hoof, sorry about that!

On not blogging and pleasure in failing.

Despite preaching about the importance of consistency in blogging eg: blogging regularly, to those who ask my advice on blogging, I obviously do not take my own advice. Well, in fairness I do blog consistently - but very sporadically. (Any Clueless fans, great word usage huh?)

But  it's not that I don't have ideas, and it's not that I don't have time - although I have a lot less time than pre-baby45. I just struggle to actually write. And when I do write, I'm just thinking of all the mistakes I'm making. Like:

• too many adverbs (4 alone in the above paragraphs)
• terrible punctuation and grammar (let's not even go there)
• boring topics (I'm in that no man's land of not A.N.Other Mummy Blogger but not a subject specialist)See, current events, mental health, parenting, social media. I flit, like a badly written butterfly.
• lack of multimedia (it's a pain in the ass to find pictures to illustrate concepts sometimes and then also, if I do design my own jpeg, it takes forever and then I just ....oh you get the picture right?!)
• Waffling. Not the belgian edible kind. The going off on random tangents and forgetting the original point of the - Oh wait, where was i again?
• Lack of lists, snappy titles, not writing huge blocks of text. But also, I don't have a sub-editor so.....

So does any of this matter? How do I get the ideas for blogposts out of my head and onto my screen? 

AudioFuel - Top 10 Songs/Music To Write To

Another Nanowrimo oriented post, but one thing I really noticed last Nano, was just how much music I listened to when I was writing. For me, music is the equivalent of an airplane when it comes to taking me to that place in my head where the writing bits live. Music, to paraphrase Madonna, takes me there.

It would take a whole other blog post to go into why music does what it does to me (and many other people) but I thought it would be interesting to share the music I listen to when I write - it's partly what fuelled my Lyric Day posts also - as I listen to music when I blog.

Last year, for Nano, I compiled a playlist called, rather originally, Writing Music. It's got 62 tracks on it which obviously I'm not going to list in its entirety here, but it covers everything from Bjork to Britney Spears via Tori Amos, Radiohead, Jeff Buckley, Garbage, Counting Crows and The Chemical Brothers.

In addition, last year I also compiled a special playlist of music that helped me focus on my main characters - it plotted their story, music-wise. It might sound a bit odd but it really enabled me to get inside their heads and think about them as real people - and the sort of music they might like.

I'm curious to see if this year for Nano, my writing music tastes change because I'm writing in a different genre (dystopia to thriller). As a result, although this is a top 10 post, really it's just a list post, to help me categorise the music I listen to when I write.

A Universe In A Grain of Sand - Last Year's Nanowrimo Novel

As promised on yesterday's post - top tips for Nanowrimo - I *was* supposed to be blogging about my plans for this year's nanowrimo novel. However it occurred to me that I should probably do a short post about last year's first......

Um, so I dreamt the plot of last year's novel. Farcical as it sounds I really did. I woke up one morning at the end of August thinking huh, I just dreamt a novel idea. After not ever having one before, it was kind of exciting (a novel idea that is, not a dream, i have a lot of dreams - the less said about them the better). So the novel idea kind of percolated round in my head for a bit, I attempted to draft a few sentences, jot down a few notes etc but didn't really do much about it.

"Let's do Nanowrimo" says @aliamck
"Huh, wtf is Nanowrimo" says I.
@aliamck sends me a link
"Hmmmmmm" says I, "you may be on to something here what with this book plot thingummy I dreamt up"

After agreeing to partake in the madness that is Nano, I felt I was off to a good start as I had a title. Oh yes, a title - before I'd written a word. That title is/was Condemnation. I have yet to come up with a better one. Husbando thinks it's naff, cheesy and obvious. (It's a dystopian novel set under a totalitarian regime Con Dem Nation.....) I could also summarise my novel in less than 10 words: Dystopian love story in which everyone dies. Also impressive I think you'll find.

Certainly both of these were a hell of a lot easier than writing and structuring the damn thing. So for your convenience, here's a summary, a character guide and a chunk of the book itself....

Summary
Lotte is trapped in a life serving a man she is ambivalent about, living in a house with a woman who hates her and a society that condemns her very existence as a government prescribed sex slave. Taken from her family as a young woman to be trained into a life of servitude, the best she can hope for is to keep the same master until she grows too old be of any use. When Gideon walks into her life, will she learn what it really means to love someone - and then risk everything for it? Defying her training, her security and ultimately, the government of Condemnation, Lotte finds out how far she will really go to achieve a life she'd never even dreamed of.

Main Characters
Lotte - sex slave and around whom the book revolves
Michael - Lotte's master
Evy - Michael's frosty wife
Gideon - Lotte's love and Michael's colleague

Key Facts
Condemnation - a totalitarian government that has divided the united kingdom into tribes depending on wealth and education, and renamed them all by colour.
The Black - slang for the main city in Condemnation
A Breathless - what Lotte is, a sex slave (I'm thinking of changing this name, but to what, I don't know)

Chunk of book
"I was seeking comfort more often now, a sense of belonging – I thought it had been triggered by seeing the man on the Omnibus. The attraction I had felt for him, even for just a few seconds had been a reminder of a feeling that I could not name precisely, but even so was tugging at the edges of my consciousness, a sense of belonging to someone or something. I knew that I had felt similarly at The Convent but I could not quite place a finger on when the feeling had gone away – and how. 

I was doing my utmost to conceal this during my day-to-day activities and behaviours but when alone I was spending a lot of time thinking; about my current situation, about being a Breathless, about escape even and most importantly about the man on the bus. These thoughts themselves concerned me, I felt powerless to do anything about them but I worried away at them in my mind, like a dog chasing its tail." 

What Next

So I've not done anything with last year's book. I wrote my 50k words but it's nowhere near finished let alone edited. A couple of friends *have* read it - and asked me what happens next and suggested I finish it. I don't know if I will or not. I love the story and the characters but it's just so hard with so many plot strands and bits + pieces. Any comments welcome, I'll try not to cry :P

Anyway tomorrow I'll be posting about this year's Nanowrimo book idea!

Thank you and good night

Stupidgirl has left the building

Didn't You Get The Memo? My Top Tips for Nanowrimo

This post has been a long time coming, but seeing as Nanowrimo starts in eeeep....(counts on fingers) 9 days, I thought I'd better put it out there. So, if you're thinking of doing Nano, you're a newbie and you've signed up or you've done it before (winner or not), this post is for you.

Btw, if you're wondering wtf Nanowrimo is, it's a crazy month of madness whereby you try to write a novel - or 50,000 words of one - in a month. Hence National Novel Writing Month. I've only done it once before - last year - when @aliamck encouraged me to do it. However I should add that prior to November 2010, the last time I'd written more than a sentence was at university. So doing Nano last year was a little like running a marathon with no practice. That's not to say it shouldn't be done like that. Anyway, on with the tips aka "what I learned from Nanowrimo 2010 and how it might help you"

Tip One: Write Like No One's Going To Read It
You know that expression dance like no one's watching? And then you see people dance who adhere to that - some are bad, some are good, some are awesome. But, they're all putting their heart + soul into it. Well from what I know about writing, that's how you should write. Sounds a bit crazy I know, but the books I most enjoy and the authors I most admire, are the people who write with a true clear voice and stick to it.
That's not to say you won't worry about people reading your writing, but with Nano, I worked on the basis that no one was ever going to see what I wrote. Not my husband, not my friends, not agents or publishers let alone the general public. Nope, not a page/sentence/word/letter. Remember that actually, you're in control of who sees your writing, so if you don't want people to see it then uh, don't show it to them. I found that reminding myself of this - and I did most days when I was nano-ing - really helped me overcome my writing inhibitions

Tip Two: Have Fun!
I can see the looks on your faces....how does writing 50,000 = fun? Well try not to take it all so seriously. If you're adhering to tip 1, you're well on your way there....remember if your book/character/plot is boring you - chances are, it'll bore other people. When you're a writer you effectively get to play god :)
A good example from my experience last year was when I got totally stuck. I'd written about 12k words and I knew what I wanted to have happen but I seemingly couldn't get there without writing pages of crap. So I asked my husband what I should do. (Warning: typical man response coming)
"Blow something up!"

Becky's Book Review #7 - How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran

Title: How To Be A Woman
Author: Caitlin Moran
Rating: 4/5 for humour, 2/5 for content
Genre: Cultural/social studies

Note - today's book review is going to be a little bit different. Firstly I'll give you an overview of the book and then my opinion of it. I'm also going to follow up this review with a post about my opinion on some of the topics Moran covers. I really look forward to your comments at the end....

Book Overview
Caitlin Moran - a regular Times/Guardian columnist and paid up member of the British Twitterati- has written a modern feminist's handbook which aims to do exactly as per the title - how to be a woman. Following Moran's experiences of everything from porn to pubic hair, menstruation to abortion, we learn how it seems Moran thinks we should be women in the 21st century. This is a humourous call to arms aimed squarely at Generations X + Y......or is it?

Circus Acts - Word of the Week

(Juggling verb: To keep (more than two activities, for example) in motion or progress at one time. Ety: mid-15c., from O.Fr. jogler, from L.L. joculare (cf. It. giocolare), from L. joculari “to jest”)

This morning I write to you from a very stinky SW London - a water pipe has burst on Brixton Hill and it seems that most of SW London - all the way out to Croydonia is sans water. It is times like this when there are people who are really sensible and keep bottled water etc for such emergencies. Clearly, I am not one of those people - instead I am lying in bed in my pajamas in my duvet blogging. I am also debating when might be the best time to dress my smelly self in clean clothes and after chewing gum in lieu of toothbrushing, head out to the shops in search of bottled water and baby wipes. In fact here is a picture of the reason why I have no water - under that is a road. And no, it's not a burst river, it's a burst water pipe. Crazy huh?

So, a WoTW after a month of no WoTW-ing.....and juggling seemed the most appropriate. I've not written much in that time either, despite much encouragement - I've just not felt like it. Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying sorry if this post is entirely crap - I'm hoping writing is like riding a bike - you just have to get back in the saddle (fnar). Oh, and hello to all the new followers out there - of which there appear to be a few of you judging by the views in the last few weeks - thanks so much for coming by! If you're wondering WTF WoTW is, check this out

Juggling might not be something that you actively do 'in' your writing, but it's certainly something that we all have to do in our lives and sometimes it seems like it's impossible to keep all the plates spinning without going slightly crazy. Here is what I have juggled in the last 6 weeks:

Going In And Out - Word of the Week

(Style n: a mode of living, as with respect to expense or display. Etym. from L. stilus "stake, instrument for writing, manner of writing, mode of expression," Meaning "mode or fashion of life" is from 1770; that of "mode of dress" is from 1814.")

So, in case you'd not guessed, I'll be turning 30 in July. And this whole, leaving my 20's, officially being a grown up with a job and a mortgage and a husband and broody feelings and a blog and (thinks what else makes me grown up....er, nope, nothing)anyway yes, it made me think about how much I've changed in the last 5, 10, 15, 20 years. And that made me look at a bunch of photos - and I realised how I've kind of, grown into myself  and started to develop my own style a lot.

Style is something that over the years - decades, centuries - is something that appears to be dictated to us. Every single magazine or paper or website or blog sometimes, even, seems to contain the ideas that although, on the one hand, style is something that is intrinsic to a person but yet, on the other, if you buy just the right dress/shirt/shoes/lipstick/perfume you'll be stylish. Or so the marketing gurus would have us believe.

And yes, I do believe there are style icons out there - people who take clothes and wear them in ways, that although they aren't always outlandish and exciting, just carry off something ordinary with a great deal of panache. What they wear, how they look, how they carry themselves becomes their defining style. I can list off the top of my head, several such women - Audrey Hepburn, Coco Chanel, Jackie Kennedy, Ava Gardner, Clara Bow, Cleopatra and so on. Currently, we have Madonna, Lady Gaga, Vivienne Westwood, Erin O'Connor, Liv Tyler, Zooey Deschanel and so on.

The rainbow generation - word of the week

(Diversity n: 1. The state of being diverse; variety. Etym: mid-14c., "quality of being diverse," mostly in a neutral sense, from O.Fr. diversité (12c.) "difference, diversity, unique feature, oddness:" also "wickedness, perversity," from L.diversitatem (nom. diversitas) "contrariety, contradiction, disagreement)

I really struggled to think of WoTW this week. I've been a bit up and down recently - holidays, work, shoulder debacle and also forgot to take my anti-depressants too (norty me) - so a lot of the words I was thinking about, I've already touched on eg: individuality, motivation, integrity. These are all words I come back to, as they help me focus when I feel a bit wobbly. So I think it's time to do something a little less self absorbed - hence today's word.

Firstly, let me clarify what I mean by diversity - generally I mean accepting and being as open as possible in all ways to people from all walks of life. The Equality Act in the UK has 9 strands of diversity including gender, sexuality, race, religion and disability. I want to make sure that my attitudes, my life and my outlook are as inclusive and open to diversity as possible. In some ways this blog is great for that - I have *no* idea about majority of the readers of this blog - if you actively follow me/the blog I can see some of those strands but for most of you I don't know. Which is great!

So I think you can tell, diversity is a subject close to my heart - I work to encourage diversity at work  and so I'm passionate about it. I feel that in some ways, I tick a lot of the boxes in diversity:

- female (gender)

- jewish (religion)

- deaf (disability)

But I am also:

- white

- middle class

- privately educated

So internally, I often feel a lot of conflict around diversity. I may be passionate about it, but how often can I show that (outside of work)? I grew up in a predominantly white, middle-class, affluent area. And yet I now live 5-6 miles away from there in an area of London that is predominately made up of ethnic minorities who do not all have the upbringing that I had. I have chosen to live somewhere different, because oddly, I feel that I fit in! If everyone is different, there is no need to conform - individuality is to be celebrated here - as anyone who has been to Brixton will testify.

Becky's Book Review #3 - Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult

Book: Sing You Home
Author: Jodi Picoult
Genre: women's fiction
Star Rating: 3.5/5

General Description
Zoe is happily married to her husband Max and after years of trying for a baby is about to get her wish, when tragedy strikes. In the aftermath of this, she and Max split up and Zoe discovers exactly what it means to love someone - particularly when it's not someone you expected to fall in love with. Several years later, Zoe remarries and wants to use her IVF frozen eggs to try to become pregnant again - only now Max has turned to evangelical Christianity and doesn't want her to use the eggs - for what happens next... you'll have to read the book!

I bought this book when I was home sick with the flu and I have to say that it was perfect to curl up with whilst I was feeling crap. I liked Picoult's usual trick of telling a tale from several different angles, which really fleshes out a plot - and prevents you from falling down on one side or another in judgement. I like the way she wasn't afraid to tackle moral and ethical dilemmas - and to present the different sides respectfully, regardless of the personal politics of the author or reader (ie: i'm very liberal but I didn't feel forced into keeping my liberal stance through out the book).

I also liked the musical element to the book - Zoe is a music therapist and I loved the way she used music with her patients, it really was incredibly touching. In addition, this book is really clever because
 - and I thought was a genius idea - there is a soundtrack that comes with the book. Basically at certain points in the book you can go to a website and download a song written speshly for the book. I loved this and really helped me get a feel for the mood of a character at a given time. To be honest, I'm surprised this isn't done more with books - although I guess copyright issues could be limiting.

So to wrap up, if I liked it that much, why did I only give the book 3.5/5? I did that because it's not my favourite Jodi Picoult novel - and it seemed a little formulaic - particularly the ending which I thought was rather predictable. Some of her books do seem to be written by numbers - her most recent ones for sure. This doesn't take away from their absolute page turning readability - which this one definitely has - but I think it just doesn't quite have the spark that her earlier books did. I think perhaps she's given us too many points of view and thus watered down her characters a little. 


All in all a good solid work from Jodi Picoult, with interesting, thought provoking plot lines - but not my favourite!

If you like.......
Other Jodi Picoults, Anne Tyler, Elizabeth Berg, Alice Hoffman, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, Joanna Trollope, women's fiction
....then you'll like this

Why You Might Like This Book
It's told from several points of view
It challenges your thinking on several rather sensitive issues (for some) including IVF, same sex marriage + relationships, equal rights, evangelical Christianity being the key ones
It's got a soundtrack that you can download and listen to at certain bits of the book
It's a page turner
The characters are really likeable, even with their flaws.
It's written with what I call, a light touch. Picoult very much `shows` rather than `tells` her readers what's happening.

Why You Might Not
You're sensitive around baby loss/IVF and simillar issues
You have very strict views around same sex/gay marriage and don't want to challenge these
You're looking for something very intellectually stimulating (not that this isn't a challenging read but it's not `hard`)
You don't like women's fiction
You don't like `emotional` type books (this book made me cry)


Have you read this Jodi Picoult? Or any of her others? What did you think? Please let me know your comments below!


Thank you and good night


Stupidgirl has left the building

Those who *can*, teach - Word of the Week

(Teacher n:  one who teaches, Etym: from `Teach` to show, point out," also "to give instruction," from PreGermanic. *taikijanan cf. Old High German. zihan, Ger. zeihen "to accuse," Goth. ga-teihan "to announce")


So, er, this post is going to be a little bit dedicated to my husband. And to all the people who teach us - not just in school - but anywhere in life.


Last week, when I was (ahem) rock climbing in Dorset, it occurred to me how miraculous it was that I was, in fact, 18 metres above the sea, attached to a rope, balancing on the corner of a cliff edge with just my hands and feet. How on earth had husbando persuaded me to do this I wondered? 


And I wondered it again when I was 10 metres up another (seemingly) sheer cliff face. And again when we were on a 1 foot wide scrabbly, rocky, stinging nettle-y path with a drop down to the sea on one side. And also when I tripped over and pricked my finger on a bramble bush and might have burst into tears.


And then I realised how bloody amazing it was that I was doing all these amazing, cool, challenging things that I never, in a million years, thought I would ever be able to do. Especially given that I am terrified of heights. And bugs, and generally beings more than 2 mins from hot and cold running shops/coffee/water/civilisation.


So it got me thinking about how I've been able to do all this and who taught me to have the strength to do it. I know I've bl0gged about motivation before, but this post is more about the people or books or movies or songs or other things that have taught you do things you never thought you could do.


For example with the climbing and also writing, husbando has taught me, weirdly, to trust. He has taught me to trust him, that he won't leave me alone when I'm scared or give up on me when I've given up on me. He won't laugh at me when I look like an idiot or fuss about peeing outside. He didn't get cross when I had a full on tantrum half way up a rock face and called him an asshole He just stuck in there for the long run. 


It might sound sappy or naff but he's taught me what it means to love and trust someone - leading by example I guess. No matter how many times I want to give up my writing or climbing, he always tells me that I can do it, he has this unwavering belief in me. It's incredibly powerful. He's teaching me to believe in myself and my abilities - but also about loyalty and perseverance. 


It's not just husbando who's taught me these things - I don't have the space to list all the lovely people (internet weirdies some of them) who have held my hand and taught me to believe in myself - but I think it's important to take the time to remind ourselves of these lessons that are learned outside of the classroom. Some of these lessons are invaluable when it comes to new ventures - whether it be writing, blogging, climbing, creating, working etc


I guess the biggest lessons I have learnt, therefore, when it comes to challenging myself are:

• Trust: in yourself and what you are doing
• Honesty: own what you do, whether it's good or bad, it's still yours, who is anyone else to judge
• Love: if you don't love it, why are you doing it? Remember though, that the line between love and hate can be fine sometimes! But if it puts a fire in your belly, you should keep going.
• Humility: you're not perfect and you're not going to get it right all the time. So what!
• Kindness: go easy on yourself, sometimes there are no rules or guidance, sometimes there's too much guidance and you just have to figure it out for yourself.
• Belief: it'll be okay - it's not brain surgery after all!

So, who are your teachers? What have you learnt from them? And are you reminding yourself of these informal lessons when you need them - you might be surprised by how comforting these can be on dark days. Here's to all our teachers, whoever and wherever they might be. And specially to my husbando, he's a bit of a star :)

Thank you and goodnight

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS I wrote this blog listening to the Juno soundtrack. It's lovely and I highly recommend it :)


PPS I have refrained from taking the medication for my muscle spasm until I have finished this blog post, after last night's debacle! You may be amused to know that last night I forgot the word `serious` and laughed like a drain when reminded of it. I also laughed hysterically at pretty much everything everyone said. In the morning I had much embarrassment. DRUGS ARE BAD KIDS.

Becky's Book Review #2 - More To Life Than Shoes by Nadia Finer + Emily Nash

Book: More To Life Than Shoes: How to Kick Start Your Career + Change Your Life
Author: Nadia Finer + Emily Nash
Genre: Job hunting/careers/women/self help
Star Rating: 5/5

General Description
As per the book blurb itself, this is perfect for anyone who has wondered if there's more to life than living for the glass of wine at the end of the day, knackering yourself on the tube and just generally wondering WTF am I showing up in this office for every damn day.Through a series of exercises, mini essays and more importantly, interviews with women who've achieved some amazing things, this book will help you realise that apparently, there is more to life than shoes!

I'm not normally a fan of life coaching/self help/career coaching type books - I guess I've always been a bit dubious and snobbish about them. However when Nadia from MTLTS sent me a link to their website, I totally fell in love with the concept of women supporting other women to achieve their dreams. As I said in WoTW the other day, we don't celebrate our achievements often enough and this book helps you figure out how to achieve your dreams. Actually more importantly than that, it helps you figure out what your dream is and to 
me, that's half the battle.


Another part of the book - that I liked the best - were the interviews scattered throughout - particularly with Martha Lane Fox, Rachel Johnson + Kanya King (founder of the Mobos). 

If you like....... 
What Colour is My Parachute? Erin Brockavich Sliding Doors Getting Things Done The Secret...inspiring true stories, female empowerment, practical advice
....then you'll like this


Why You Might Like This Book
You're curious about self-help/career coaching and tempted (tho cynical) about books in that genre
You're bloody fed up with life
You need some inspiration
You need a helping hand
You want some practical exercises to help you figure out what makes you happy at work and play


Why You Might Not
You're happy with your life
You're not happy with your life but you have no desire to change it
You're not yet in a place to make change in your life
You're not a feminist 
You don't like inspiring stories


So all in all, I am now converted to self-help+career coaching. This book was so inspiring and the exercises were great - I did some of them with a friend in the pub and we both came away feeling a lot more positive about what we wanted.


Thats all for now. Thank you and goodnight


Stupidgirl has left the building

More Carrot, Less Stick - Word of the Week

(Achievement n: Something accomplished successfully, especially by means of exertion, skill, practice, or perseverance. Ety: noun of action from O.Fr. achever early 14c.,  "to finish, accomplish, complete," from phrase à chef (venir) "at an end, finished")


You know what? I think that we, as writers, bloggers or generally as PEOPLE, do not blow our own trumpets enough and share our achievements with others. Over all the previous Word-of-The-Weeks (WoTWs) I've talked a lot about learning and growing and developing, not just as a writer (well, my journey as, er, a writer/blogette type person) but I don't think I've really posted enough about just `owning` what you do. And no matter how big or how small, if it's an achievement to you then it should be celebrated - and that's what this week's WoTW is all about.


First of all, I want all of you, every single person reading this blog to give themselves a pat on the back (or if that's too hard, have a bit of chocklit, that's good too). I want to you to do that to say thank you because the first thing we are celebrating, in the name of achievement is that this week, we passed 10k views of this blog since January. Yes, wow, yikes etc - more than 10 thousand individual views of this blog (and not all of them were me or my mum). So big THANKS  to all of you who read this blog, who comment, who say lovely things to me on Facebook/Twitter etc etc, it is so very appreciated and I could not have done it without you. I'm not sure where this blog is headed or what the end purpose is yet, but I think that 10k views in 3.5 months is not to be sneezed at and I have so loved blogging - so all you guys are kind of, holding my hand, encouraging me to continue. That to believe that just maybe, I can write for some kind of audience. So keep on with that pat on the back/chocklit eating - pretend it's from ME!


Secondly, achievement - as I said, nothing is too big or too small. I think we spend far too much time beating ourselves up and stressing about things, and forget that sometimes, on bad days, even getting out of bed is an achievement. In fact, depending on my mood, all of the following can be achievements for me:

• Getting out of bed
• Looking at people when I'm wearing my glasses (can't bear to do this because I think I'm so ugly I don't want them to see)
• Making it to the top of the climbing wall
• Blogging
• Pitching to clients
• Running for ONE MORE FUCKING MINUTE (past 5 minutes...!)
• Not having Maccie D's for lunch
• Scrambling down to the crag when climbing (this can be scarier than climbing)
• Killing spiders
• Sleeping when I'm home alone

So if you've done anything today that involved confronting a fear, doing something you didn't want to do, doing something nice, writing, blogging, creating and just generally being you and being fab, I want you to take the next 5 minutes and just celebrate that. Be happy, you rock. 

Finally, please make sure that every day, you just take time to think okay, you know what, I'm not so bad, in fact, I'm doing pretty well at this - whatever it is that `this` for you is - being it writing, climbing, creating - even just living. I definitely don't do this enough - and I'm not saying we should all be big headed - but sometimes you can beat yourself up when instead you need to be your inner cheerleader (especially if she looks like Santana or Brittany from Glee).

And that's all for this week's WoTW - just a short one as I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired after doing lots of climbing on real rock including an 18 metre sea cliff climb (check this out for a pic - tho it's not me in the pic). Hope it was okay - let me know your thoughts below, as ever :)

Thank you and goodnight

Stupidgirl has left the building

Didn't You Get The Memo....A Newbies Guide to Book Publishing (part 1)

Hi everyone, hope you're having a good Easter Monday! After a long train journey home from Wales, I thought I'd do another Stuff-I've-learned-as-a-newbie post (see my blogging one here)....this time on what I know about the kerazzzzzzeeeee world of book publishing...

I decided to write this post because I used to work in bookselling and publishing. Not for a huge period of time granted, but just over five years in two internationally renowned publishers gave me a little insight into what happens in those ivory towers. So, I don’t make any great claims to know everything at all about publishing, this is just what I know and I thought I’d share it with you. As with any advice on the net, take it with a pinch of salt and a dash of common sense. Knowledge may be power but equally a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. So with that caveat, let us begin!

In my opinion informing yourself on the intricacies of the publishing world can be a big asset to a new/debut/wannabe author…. You might feel like finishing your ms/wip/greatest work of fiction is the hard bit over and done with, but in some ways your journey has just begun. Firstly, if you’re reading this and you’ve already gotten a book deal, many congratulations, that’s awesome – and indeed you may already know some of the below. On the other hand (like me) you might still be in your first draft but thinking ahead to submission and just feeling a little WTF about everything. In which case, this blog post might be helpful for you.

1) Money, money, money….
Okay, please don’t forget that, for better for worse, a publishing house is a ultimately, a business. If they buy a book, to a certain extent they are looking for a return on their investment. Admittedly they don’t always get it right, and they can afford to take a hit, but mostly they’re looking for books that will SELL. It might sound fairly obvious but remember this when you’re getting rejections, editorial criticism and so on, don’t take it personally. It’s the whole `business` thing coming into play. And ultimately the more you sell, the better for YOU – if you plan to make a living from this whole writing malarkey.

2) What flavour is your book?
It might sound like a total no-brainer but what is your book about? Have you got an elevator speech for it? If you can’t do this for your book, you need to be able to. I appreciate that not every book is classifiable or slots neatly into a genre – how else would we have gotten supernatural romance if not for Twilight + True Blood, or the boom in YA if not for genre busting novels like Harry Potter or The Hunger Games. However, most books can – and do – fit roughly into a genre. So perhaps think about:

• Where might your book sit in a bookstore? 
• What sort of authors/reviewers would you want to write blurb for the jacket? 
• What is your competition out there? (c’mon there’s gotta be someone!) 
• What would the blurb on the back of your book say? 

This might seem initially challenging *but*, as I’ll come onto later, it’ll really help you when it comes to marketing and pitching your book. (NB not for your query letter though). It might also help you crystallize the core story of your book.