Ten Reasons Why Toddlers Are Like Celebrities

You might be reading the title of this blog and be thinking WT-actual-F is she on about - toddlers, like celebrities? But stick with me, I'm pretty sure you're going to identify with some of the below....

Why toddlers are like celebrities.....

1. They are often papped in compromising positions....

Busted with mummy's juice...

2. They order "off -menu" when you go out to eat and everything has to be "on the side". God forbid one should allow bean sauce to contaminate one's frites.

Mummy had the audacity to suggest a picnic in the sun

3. Their social life is planned with military efficiency and they need to be booked up sometimes months in advance.

4. They have to be bribed, coerced, cajoled and eventually blackmailed into doing things that are usually for their own benefit.

5. They have tantrums if they don't get their own way. And the bigger the audience for these the better.

We weren't paying attention to him.

6. They love selfies (Kim Kardashian has nothing on my son....)

Potty selfie #pelfie

7. They never clean up after themselves. No really, nothing like someone bending over so you can wipe their pooey bottom.

8. They change outfits several times a day. Living with my son is like being in a Lady Gaga concert.

Gruffalo/Bloodhound Gang mash up

9. They have to be protected from the harsh realities of life such as Iggle Piggle not being a real actual person and that you can't visit the cloudbabies.

10. When they start talking, no matter what it's about (soliloquies on storm-clouds, where mummy's boobies should live) everyone hangs on their every word as if they're God passing down the ten commandments.

Bunny listening to Mike the Knight under duress.

Agree with me? Have I missed any? Would love to hear your toddler's celeb-like behaviour so please leave me a comment below!

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS If you liked this post you might like this one and this one...and also this one...

Wicked Wednesdays - Evil Mummy Strikes Again....

So this picture happened.

I can only assume he's pissed off about being forced to have a picnic lunch on the balcony in the sunshine. Also cross at then being put in shorts. Maybe it's because they weren't sequinned like my shorts are.....

Anyway, that's my contribution to #wickedwednesdays!

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl45

An Evening in the Life of an Amateur Blogger

5:30pm

Collect child from childcare. Reply to incessant babble whilst trying to retain that evening's blog idea in your head and planning out post structure. Bribe with jaffa cakes Organix gingerbread men for some peace and quiet.

6pm

Shovel dinner into child. Whilst yoghurt is being lavishly spread across your kitchen floor, tidy and prepare dinner to enable you to eke out an hour of gossiping on social media blogging.

7pm

Read 675,984 bedtime stories, including The Cat in the fucking Hat, 6 times - end up feeling slightly stoned. Sing lullabies in a rapid whisper whilst checking Twitter to see which linkys you should be doing today. Try to remember which old posts you can rehash for these and also blogpost planned on the way home. 

7:30pm

Realise child is asleep and you're sitting in the dark whispering to yourself - use ninja moves to sneak out. Bung dinner in the microwave and grab wine and laptop, only to discover darling child has switched on airplane mode and hidden all your icons. Fuckitty fuck. Also, low battery, where is the cocking charger?

8pm

OH home, dish up dinner, offer perfunctory chat and affection whilst also figuring out how to fix laptop, remember linkys *and* blog post idea. Find charger behind nappy bin/in change bag/under buggy (delete as applicable).

8:30pm

Finally sit down with laptop and wine - thank christ. Open twitter, facebook, and blog. Immediately get sucked into black hole of chatting. Try to remind self of blog homework but instead continue discussion about latest TV hunk on twitter, cc'ing in said TV hunk via his twitter handle.

8:45pm

Remember what you're supposed to be doing and begin writing! Tweet loudly and gleefully about this. Get side tracked by linky admin. Feel irrationally annoyed when you're the 167th post on a linky which is the linky equivalent of being sent to Coventry. Vow to be organised. Google "blog organisation" and "social media strategy" and "pro-blogging". 

9:30pm

Blog post complete, yay! Fortify self for tedious task of link insertion/link checking, uploading images, appropriate tags and other thankless editing tasks with chocolate and more wine. Consider gin but think best not to mix on a school night after brief discussion on - where else - Twitter.  

10pm

Pimp post across social medias. Wonder if Mumsnet/Netmums/Tots100/ ParentDish feel very unspecial when you copy them all into the same tweet. Fill up entire timeline on Facebook and Twitter with links to new post. Fail to remember Hootsuite password. Feel annoyed you cannot schedule link to new post at 3am for people up nightfeeding. Because it's just what they need.....

10:10pm

Your mother tweets you "WHY TWEETING LINK LOTS ALL OVER PLACE". Feel ashamed of shameless self-promotion. Drink more wine and wonder if tonight's post is the one that will have The Huff Post, The Guardian *and* Red magazine emailing to commission you.  Distract self with blog stats instead.

10:12pm 

Refresh blog stats

10:22pm

Refresh blog stats again

10:35pm

Refresh again. Small increase. Wonder if it's all worth it. Distract self by replying to backlog of comments. Wonder why some posts get more comments than others. Tell posts they are just as good as others. Consider perhaps lowering wine consumption as you are actually talking *to* your blog posts.

10:45pm

Yes - RTs/comments/likes! Even Mumsnet RT'd you, you feel like you've won the bastarding Pulitzer. Gabble away to all responses then retire to bed vowing to be more organised tomorrow, to plan blog posts, to schedule things and to dig out your Hootsuite password to enable this. You will be a pro-blogger, you will! 

11:15pm

In bed. Husband attempts conversation  You bat him away, there's still time to check twitter on your phone *and* get a couple of hours sleep before the baby wakes. And also, what was that other blog post idea you much write it down......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Unspecified middle of the night baby crying time am

Feed screaming baby. Check twitter. Realise you've put a massive typo in all your pimping out tweets. Wonder if you're really cut out for this. Resolve to drink less wine and worry about it all again tomorrow.....

Thank you and good night,

Stupidgirl has left the building

Some Juvenile Humour

Utterly random post but here are some cards from TaylorJayne in Reigate that made me laugh until I cried this week.  Can your pelvic floor cope with these?

Just couldn't stop laughing at this one. 

Yup, even nursery rhyme figures can be slut-shamed

Some might say the fanny falling off was a small mercy

Thank you! So when I talk about potty training all the time, *that's* because it's key skill!

Often with blog writing you have weeks where it's all killer and weeks where it's all filler.  I think you can tell which one this week has been.....

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Top 10 funny sites

I'm sick, in bed. I've made stupidboy sing "Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty" to me (NB If you don't know this song you need to check out The Big Bang Theory) My throat feels like it's lined with razor blades.


But, it's sunday - list day (check out previous lists here, here, here, and the original here.) Even though my brain is full of fog + dust bunnies, here is this week's list - the theme of which is my favouritest amusing websites. 


If you're anything like me, something silly + juvenile is just what you need on a sunday night or a monday morning (or in fact anytime) to pep you up! Equally it might be just the trick to keep you procrastinating away just a little longer! 


**warning: some of these sites contain very juvenile, silly humour, do not look if you think you might be offended - unlikely if you're reading this blog though!**


Amusing websites - in no particular order:

Catalogue Living this genius little site demonstrates neatly what the people in your home furnishing catalogues get up to when you're not looking. Very, very silly but very droll.

         

Hungover Owls er, like Lol Catz but funnier and with owls. Thanks for @AliaMck for originally showing this to me + for @Leopardprintlou for reminding me of it.....

Shit My Kids Ruined equally parts funny, terrifying and an effective contraceptive for those who don't have kids. Maybe less funny for those with kids - or not?


Failblog The first of 2-3 classic comedy sites on this list. I've tried to stay away from the most common sites but even if you're a regular visitor to this one, it's always got something funny on it!


If You Like It So Much Why Don't You Go Live There well, as well as winning the award for longest funny site title in this list, this is a good site for those of you who like reading funny complaints letters+completely irrational comments in the Daily Fail. It is a little more.....intellectual...than previous sites so you might need to switch your brain 'on' for this one.


Rude Food Names ahem, Jussi Pussi rolls anyone? Arson Fire sauce? No? What about a nice glass of Ass instead. All of these and other ridiculously named food + beverages from around the world can be found on this amusing little blog. Bon appetit!


Lamebook Another classic that most of you are probly familiar with but still worth cringe-makingly amusing look at some of the awful status updates out there. People - please always double check and remember that someone, somewhere, will have screen grabbed your embarrassing moment for posterity!


Overheard in New York a hysterical blog full of mind-bogglingly bizarre quotes overheard in New York.  If you want a plateful of craziness, this site has it. Love it!


Awkward Family Photos We've all been there - the crazy sweater your grandma knitted, the over-familiar uncle, the weird cousin in the corner - well now you can submit photographic evidence of these gatherings to the interweb, as indeed have many other people. Laugh at their mistakes - and then go home + burn the family photo albums.

DamnYouAutoCorrect "Penis Butter" "Glasses in your Orifice" For the true definition of PMSL and "Can't. Breathe.Laughing.Too.Hard", visit this site if you haven't already. Run, don't walk. 

Enjoy! I'll be back during the week with a Word of the Week, a post on Nostalgia and a *new* photo essay seeing as the snow one went down so well. Thanks for all the views + comments guys, hope this post pleases you.

Thank you + good night,

Stupidgirl has left the building

EDITED TO ADD....(Jan 2012)
I just wanted to add one more site that is currently making me giggle a lot..
http://lookatmyfuckingredtrousers.blogspot.com/