*****parental guidance required - this thread contains excessive bad language******
So, I have been very very lax in actually writing on this blog. It seems that the inspiration fairies abandoned me for 5 days - clearly they had better things to do - perhaps encouraging Lady Gaga to wear better clothes and not make any more music??? One can only hope. I have been suspecting she is a man for some time now too..... any more takers?
It would appear my blog has actually got some people reading it. How alarming, I really didn't intend for this to happen - well aside from telling everyone I know I am writing a blog.... I am feeling slightly more pressured to use the correct grammar/spelling/punctuation. And when I start sentences with *and* I can practically hear my english teacher screaming in agony. But whats the point in rules if you can't break them. It's weird writing to an audience. I hope you don't all think I'm completely mad. In fact I'd better get on with the actual blog before you all run away.
Tonights blog entry is actually sunday's entry. As I failed to do a list last night, I am doing a list tonight. And tonight's list is......(drum roll please).....*Things That Have Been In Stupidgirl's Head for the Last 5 Days*. I'm not good at making this snappy am i?
1) The sheer pointlessness of several women in the media. Lady Gaga (badly dressed slut-man), Paris Hilton (god will she just EVER go away, you can't buy a best friend + expect loyalty. Oh can she please work out how to apply lip liner ON her lip line, not outside - how hard can it be) Jacqui Smith (badly dressed leech with a husband feeding his tacky sex habit via tax payers money). And would Cheryl Cole f*ck off about not liking her body. Could she be anymore passive-aggressively needy?
2) Death. My aunt died yesterday. Cancer is a bastard. But, more importantly, I would like to kill the stupid twunt who works in a some cruddy pub near UCH. I nearly lamped her on saturday when I was taking my cousin (my aunt is her mum) for a much needed jack daniels break during hospital visiting. We sat at a table *near* a reserved sign only to have this complete blonde c*nt in a miniscule pink dress ask us to *fuck off* and *get out - its reserved*. Walked past the stupid biatch 30 mins later to see her sitting at the massive table with just one friend. Errrrrr can anyone spell loser?
3) Biscuits. And why I keep eating so many of them. It's like, I know I've got to wear my wedding dress in 3 months AND its a tight ivory number, but my brain is seriously in denial about this. Today for example I have eaten: 1 x cherry jam sarnie, 1 x bowl of cornflakes with a *generous* spoonful of sugar, 6 x almondy type biscuits, 1 x slim a soup (yes don't fall for this, the reason it's got less calories is because there's LESS IN IT...), 1 x pret tuna salad, 6 x chocolate biscuits and......1 x tesco fruit salad. Willpower is a dirty word to me.
4) Wedding dresses. Sorry, but I am getting married in 3 months, I am going to talk about the wedding and no, I have no sense of humour when it comes to the wedding. So just don't bother. I tried on my dress again this weekend after having a *serious* fit of paranoia that I'd gotten too fat for it. But even with all the biscuit-related sabotage it fitted. Which is good. And my shoes go too. And I feel all Veronica Lake-esque in it. So all round good. I just have to STAY AWAY from the biscuits. Why this is so hard I don't know.
5) Naked pictures. Yes, the boudoir pics are in. And they are surprisingly good. Not surprising given the talent of the photographer, but more that she has managed to disguise the fact i am a total munter. And the nipple tassles are good. I think they are my favourite accessory this year, aside from my wedding shoes. *hmmmmmm could combine the two at some point.....* (sorry was that a TMI) In fact is it possible to overshare when people know you've had boudoir shots taken? And some of the readers of this very blog have seen said pics. My head is expanding with the compliments I've had. I only hope SB likes them. He did have a hissy fit when I went to pole dancing lessons (btw an elephant would have had more grace +elegance twirling around a pole than I did)
6) Pointless Facebook Applications That Your Friends Send You. Currently I have 5 applications pending approval. Friends who send me these (and you know who you are) - are you mad? Do you really think that I can spare time from Hitching about nipple tassles + table crystals to install a *lil green patch* or have some clauclau love (wtf), well really, do you? And who decided that throwing (virtual) livestock at people was a good way to express your feelings? And I've been virtually poked more by more people than I've been poked by in real life (sorry, got to watch out for these TMI's) Although FB does run my life nowadays (does anyone else use that expression anymore -except little old ladies?). Every status update is soooooo carefully worded, all info carefully chosen. And when people comment and *like* my status I get way too over-excited. Its all a big popularity contest. I can't allow myself to Twitter. I might never leave the house/get any work done/see my friends IRL/get married/do any cleaning ever again. Actually that last one's not so bad.
Well I know I am supposed to have 10 things on my list. But I've run out of energy this evening. It's so exhausting having people tell you how hot you are in your boudoir photos. I feel like I must have a little lie down and watch 90210 on E4+1. But just quickly, other things on my mind are - purchasing of JD for my cousin tomorrow, what to wear to the funeral (we don't wear black), has my bottom got bigger since eating all the biscuits, will people keep reading the blog, will I ever manage to unblock the kitchen sink (ideas on a postcard) and, finally, will I ever rid myself of the ambition to be able to do the splits?
On that high class note, I shall leave you. Thank you and good night.
Stupidgirl has left the building.