An Evening in the Life of an Amateur Blogger

5:30pm

Collect child from childcare. Reply to incessant babble whilst trying to retain that evening's blog idea in your head and planning out post structure. Bribe with jaffa cakes Organix gingerbread men for some peace and quiet.

6pm

Shovel dinner into child. Whilst yoghurt is being lavishly spread across your kitchen floor, tidy and prepare dinner to enable you to eke out an hour of gossiping on social media blogging.

7pm

Read 675,984 bedtime stories, including The Cat in the fucking Hat, 6 times - end up feeling slightly stoned. Sing lullabies in a rapid whisper whilst checking Twitter to see which linkys you should be doing today. Try to remember which old posts you can rehash for these and also blogpost planned on the way home. 

7:30pm

Realise child is asleep and you're sitting in the dark whispering to yourself - use ninja moves to sneak out. Bung dinner in the microwave and grab wine and laptop, only to discover darling child has switched on airplane mode and hidden all your icons. Fuckitty fuck. Also, low battery, where is the cocking charger?

8pm

OH home, dish up dinner, offer perfunctory chat and affection whilst also figuring out how to fix laptop, remember linkys *and* blog post idea. Find charger behind nappy bin/in change bag/under buggy (delete as applicable).

8:30pm

Finally sit down with laptop and wine - thank christ. Open twitter, facebook, and blog. Immediately get sucked into black hole of chatting. Try to remind self of blog homework but instead continue discussion about latest TV hunk on twitter, cc'ing in said TV hunk via his twitter handle.

8:45pm

Remember what you're supposed to be doing and begin writing! Tweet loudly and gleefully about this. Get side tracked by linky admin. Feel irrationally annoyed when you're the 167th post on a linky which is the linky equivalent of being sent to Coventry. Vow to be organised. Google "blog organisation" and "social media strategy" and "pro-blogging". 

9:30pm

Blog post complete, yay! Fortify self for tedious task of link insertion/link checking, uploading images, appropriate tags and other thankless editing tasks with chocolate and more wine. Consider gin but think best not to mix on a school night after brief discussion on - where else - Twitter.  

10pm

Pimp post across social medias. Wonder if Mumsnet/Netmums/Tots100/ ParentDish feel very unspecial when you copy them all into the same tweet. Fill up entire timeline on Facebook and Twitter with links to new post. Fail to remember Hootsuite password. Feel annoyed you cannot schedule link to new post at 3am for people up nightfeeding. Because it's just what they need.....

10:10pm

Your mother tweets you "WHY TWEETING LINK LOTS ALL OVER PLACE". Feel ashamed of shameless self-promotion. Drink more wine and wonder if tonight's post is the one that will have The Huff Post, The Guardian *and* Red magazine emailing to commission you.  Distract self with blog stats instead.

10:12pm 

Refresh blog stats

10:22pm

Refresh blog stats again

10:35pm

Refresh again. Small increase. Wonder if it's all worth it. Distract self by replying to backlog of comments. Wonder why some posts get more comments than others. Tell posts they are just as good as others. Consider perhaps lowering wine consumption as you are actually talking *to* your blog posts.

10:45pm

Yes - RTs/comments/likes! Even Mumsnet RT'd you, you feel like you've won the bastarding Pulitzer. Gabble away to all responses then retire to bed vowing to be more organised tomorrow, to plan blog posts, to schedule things and to dig out your Hootsuite password to enable this. You will be a pro-blogger, you will! 

11:15pm

In bed. Husband attempts conversation  You bat him away, there's still time to check twitter on your phone *and* get a couple of hours sleep before the baby wakes. And also, what was that other blog post idea you much write it down......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Unspecified middle of the night baby crying time am

Feed screaming baby. Check twitter. Realise you've put a massive typo in all your pimping out tweets. Wonder if you're really cut out for this. Resolve to drink less wine and worry about it all again tomorrow.....

Thank you and good night,

Stupidgirl has left the building

The Alternative Approximate A-Z of CBeebies Shows

As per the title. If you're unfamiliar with any of these shows then either you don't have kids, your child is too tiny for TV or you're a Pinterest parent and this will make no sense. Also, this post is tongue in cheek (I can't believe I need to point that out but just in case....) Also, it's not a full A-Z, just an approximation.

A is for.....Abney & Teal. Let's start with a good one, I'll be kind, I love A+T. I especially love the poc-pocs (random name), the illustrations, that the voice of Teal is Shingai Shoniwa from The Noisettes and also that a turnip is a major character.

B is for .....Baby Jake. Er what the what the what? WHAT? I don't understand this show at all. Aside from this being a family with 10 kids who all live in a circular stone tower, those bunny rabbits are terrifying ("scariest since Donnie Darko" according to @bird42) and Baby Jake himself is a very disturbing flexi-jointed incubus. Just so wrong at 7am.

C is for..... Carrie and David's Pop Shop which wins the prestigious title of most annoying kids TV show ever. A survey of 87% of parents say they detest it.* The presenters were last seen on Fame Academy (The Bronze Age in TV years) which tells you all you need to know. Unfortunately Toddler45 loves it. I've considered disowning him.

I is for.....In the Night Garden, clearly written by people on illegal substances  as per all the best kids shows (cf Tellytubbies/Magic Roundabout/The Clangers). Featuring Iggle Piggle unfortunately friend-zoned by Upsy Daisy, Makka Pakka who has a farting problem which he blames on his trumpet and the Tombliboos - what they actually are/do is anyone's guess. Storylines include moustaches disappearing, random springs appearing and tiny people living in the woods. It's all unnervingly narrated by Cadfael. 

K is for......Kerwizz. Oh god, shoot me now. This programme is utterly stultifying. The catchphrase "Kerwizz - the quiz with added whizz" is the best thing about it. And that's saying something. Fronted by a guy who uses chip fat as a hair product. Even Toddler45 hates it.

L is for...... Let's Play, in which CBeebies presenters indulge in a spot of cosplay/fantasy dressing up and Little Robots which is actually pretty cute, mainly because Toddler45 calls it `Little W-obots`. 

M is for......Me Too. *sigh* if you are unfortunate enough to be woken at 6am you'll know that this is a programme featuring Balamory's odder relatives. Or that's what I've extrapolated. Most of the time I watch this with the sound off as i find that improves the experience (by watch I mean have my eyelids prised open by Toddler45 "You 'wake mama")/ Mr Bloom - have you been living in a hole? Do you not know that this is the green fingered kids TV presenter that mummy bloggers would most like to have feeling their melons? Or something....

O is for......Old Jack's Boat This series comes with a lot of supercoolness due to being written by a Dr Who writer and featuring Freema Agyeman. But mostly i snigger at the frequent references to the salty sea and Old Jack perving over Freema's mermaid....

R is for.....Rastamouse. I bloody love Rastamouse, especially the theme tune. I wish they'd do a remix of this In fact I probably love this more than Toddler45. 

S is for....Show Me Show Me. I mostly spend this show, and I'm sure some of you do this too, trying to spot Pui's bump, admiring her maternity wear and being impressed with her ability to get out of having to do all that dicking about on the floor show us her groovy moves.

T is for .....Topsy and (Fucking) Tim - smug middle class twins doing boring things. In one episode Topsy's mum was giving her mummy friend devil eyes for landing her in it with the smug twins after revealing she was selling their house. Given the current house prices in South London the twins don't need to rely on TV salaries for an income.

W is for......Waybuloo Actually, I love Waybuloo. it's so soothing and faintly....trippy. With all the floaty characters and actual children talking to themselves. It's supposed to be a kids yoga show, but again definitely substance influenced...! Sends me to sleep every time.

Z is for.....Zingzillas  - a music themed show featuring former musicians down on their luck(members of the Darkness, I'm looking at you ). And some animated puppets.  And a lot of enormous coconuts, which is a lot less exciting than it might sound.

I know, I've skipped a lot of letters. But this was always the approximate alternative A-Z. I think you get the gist!

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

*Totally made up statistic

Does it offend you yeah - Top 10 Irritating Things List

Sorry, love that band name! So, evening everyone, hope you've had great weekends. I am in a rather excitable mood after being featured in the Independent (photo as well, eeep) talking about why I love my library. Read all about it here!

I know I've blogged + pimped out the blog a lot on Twitter recently, so thanks for all your continued support + hope you like what you're reading - it certainly seems like it. I've got an exciting couple of interviews coming up in the next week or so, plus a photo essay and the WoTW is going to be.......kindness.

So, on with the list - thanks to @AliaMcK for helping me compile it. (PS If you missed last week's top 10 funny websites, check it out here)

Top 10 Things That Irritate The Hell Out of Me


1) People who cannot use public transport properly
By this I mainly mean people who do not understand the concept of moving down inside the bus/tube/carriage/tram and just stand there, oblivious to everyone else needing to get on + get to work. This leads to someone (usually big mouth me) shouting in a very posh voice "Could you move down PLEASE!". The person blocking the way then usually pulls a `who, me?` type face, whilst everyone else looks at them in a `yes, you moron` way. Then they move. Also within this category, people waiting to get on the tube/train/bus blocking the exits when you want to get off (wtf is this all about) and people who don't understand the concept of paying for a ticket. It's not hard.
**this point excludes tourists, who can't necessarily be expected to know these things**

2) People who have no manners/lack of common courtesy
These are the people who do not even acknowledge, let alone respond to emails/texts/tweets/voicemails even after a reasonable amount of time has expired (I do appreciate that not everyone is quite as obsessive about being online as moi). Also in this, people who don't say please or thank you when you hold doors open for them. And at a slight tangent to the lack of emailing/texts, people who can't use the correct form of its/it's or they're/there/their or who's/whose. LOOK IT UP. We have spell check and online grammar tools. Check before sending! This particularly goes for people who are trying to sell me something. Why should I buy something from you when you can't even be bothered to use spell check?

3) Really slow computers
You know, those days when your laptop/PC/whatever just goes "You know what, no. Just, no. I am not going to open a single programme without taking at least half a century, freezing, crashing and losing all your work." And this leaves me in an impotent rage, on hold to my IT desk (husbando), shouting at an inanimate object, looking like a crazy bag lady. It's not elegant folks but I'm not alone on this one right?!

4) Have something stuck in your teeth....
That you just can't extract without maximum public embarrassment OR getting home and finding out you walked around all day with something HUGE in your teeth and no one telling you (ditto for open flies, skirt tucked in tights/knickers). Small on the scale of stuff on this list but oh so grrrrrrrr

5) People who don't understand the concept of supermarket checkouts
In this category I include:

• the people who look surprised when it comes to pay + take about three decades to find their purse/wallet/nectar card. This is after queuing for around 30 minutes. Do these people never go out and purchase things? WTF is up with this behaviour?
• the people who decide that the 10 items or less checkout queue rule does not apply to them and they can barge in there with their 25 tins of cat food and 9 bottles of sparkling water that then takes the cashier freakin ages to bag
• inattentive checkout assistants/shop assistants. I am the customer, you serve me, I come to pay, you do not continue chatting away on your mobile phone whilst taking and then messing up my food order. You also do not look pissed off that I interrupted your very important gossip with the other shop assistants when I need something else in my size. I've worked in a shop, I know the pay is shit, I know that people are rude to you but FFS please just do your job at least. It's not my fault if you hate it!

6) That getting dressed for work laundry conundrum (kudos to Alia for help with this one!)

You know, it's monday morning, you go to get your favourite sweater/shirt/dress/trousers/skirt out of the cupboard because it's easy to wear and you don't need to think about matching items...... but the fucker is in the laundry basket because someone (you!) forgot to wash it. Fuckfuckfuck goes your poor tired monday morning head. The clock is ticking on, you've not had a morning beverage and it's pissing with rain. What do you do now? Do you smell it (we've all done that)? Do you just put it on + hope for the best? Do you try to cobble together another outfit whilst every braincell screams "Nooooo it's too early for fashion dilemmas". Whatever the outcome it is just so bloody annoying isn't it!

7) The disappearance of the yummy food

You've had a long day - lots of meetings maybe, or just lots of work. Alternatively you've been out late/up early/you've got a hangover and all you want is that nice glass of juice or....the last biscuit/piece of cake or.... the half a tub of Ben + Jerrys or.....the Chinese take out left overs. Mmmm, perfect you think, just the ticket to make you feel better. 

But no dagnabit! Someone has got there first and they've eaten/drunk the damn thing. There's not even any milk for tea or bread for toast. Arghhhhh if this doesn't give you the rage then you've the patience of a saint!

8) The Daily Fail

I don't think I need to say any more. Just the mere thought of this publication gets my blood pressure going. Along with that I'd like to add the people who read said publication and then think they have the  right to form a solid, intelligent political opinion based on this - and not being aware that they are coming across as ignorant bigots! 

Handy tip - here is a link to an add-on for firefox that when you click on the Fail's website, hides it with pictures of kittens and tea (thanks to Caroline for this one!) 

9) Reality TV Shows

Big Brother, I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here, X Factor, Pop Idol, Strictly Coming Dancing, Dancing on Ice, So You Think You Can Dance, Come Dine With Me. 

FUCK OFF

Just FUCK RIGHT OFF. If there is anything more likely to get me ranting away at my tellybox then it's a reality TV show. I do appreciate that some people like them, I do, and that's their opinion. But generally I flipping hate the shows. I don't give a toss about a bunch of weirdos in a house in North London, neither do I care about slebs fainting/eating spiders/peeing outside. I certainly don't want to watch a bunch of talentless wannabees have their dreams shredded by SyCo. It's so voyeuristic. And yet this week I watched at least 6 episodes of CDWM.

10) The government closing (or trying to) libraries/cutting their funding.

Need I say more? Add your support and stories about why your library is important to you here!

Feel differently about any of these? Want to add your own moments, please comment below - this one could run and run.

As ever thanks for reading and hope to see you again soon.

Thank you and good night.

Stupidgirl has left the building

Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Top 10 funny sites

I'm sick, in bed. I've made stupidboy sing "Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty" to me (NB If you don't know this song you need to check out The Big Bang Theory) My throat feels like it's lined with razor blades.


But, it's sunday - list day (check out previous lists here, here, here, and the original here.) Even though my brain is full of fog + dust bunnies, here is this week's list - the theme of which is my favouritest amusing websites. 


If you're anything like me, something silly + juvenile is just what you need on a sunday night or a monday morning (or in fact anytime) to pep you up! Equally it might be just the trick to keep you procrastinating away just a little longer! 


**warning: some of these sites contain very juvenile, silly humour, do not look if you think you might be offended - unlikely if you're reading this blog though!**


Amusing websites - in no particular order:

Catalogue Living this genius little site demonstrates neatly what the people in your home furnishing catalogues get up to when you're not looking. Very, very silly but very droll.

         

Hungover Owls er, like Lol Catz but funnier and with owls. Thanks for @AliaMck for originally showing this to me + for @Leopardprintlou for reminding me of it.....

Shit My Kids Ruined equally parts funny, terrifying and an effective contraceptive for those who don't have kids. Maybe less funny for those with kids - or not?


Failblog The first of 2-3 classic comedy sites on this list. I've tried to stay away from the most common sites but even if you're a regular visitor to this one, it's always got something funny on it!


If You Like It So Much Why Don't You Go Live There well, as well as winning the award for longest funny site title in this list, this is a good site for those of you who like reading funny complaints letters+completely irrational comments in the Daily Fail. It is a little more.....intellectual...than previous sites so you might need to switch your brain 'on' for this one.


Rude Food Names ahem, Jussi Pussi rolls anyone? Arson Fire sauce? No? What about a nice glass of Ass instead. All of these and other ridiculously named food + beverages from around the world can be found on this amusing little blog. Bon appetit!


Lamebook Another classic that most of you are probly familiar with but still worth cringe-makingly amusing look at some of the awful status updates out there. People - please always double check and remember that someone, somewhere, will have screen grabbed your embarrassing moment for posterity!


Overheard in New York a hysterical blog full of mind-bogglingly bizarre quotes overheard in New York.  If you want a plateful of craziness, this site has it. Love it!


Awkward Family Photos We've all been there - the crazy sweater your grandma knitted, the over-familiar uncle, the weird cousin in the corner - well now you can submit photographic evidence of these gatherings to the interweb, as indeed have many other people. Laugh at their mistakes - and then go home + burn the family photo albums.

DamnYouAutoCorrect "Penis Butter" "Glasses in your Orifice" For the true definition of PMSL and "Can't. Breathe.Laughing.Too.Hard", visit this site if you haven't already. Run, don't walk. 

Enjoy! I'll be back during the week with a Word of the Week, a post on Nostalgia and a *new* photo essay seeing as the snow one went down so well. Thanks for all the views + comments guys, hope this post pleases you.

Thank you + good night,

Stupidgirl has left the building

EDITED TO ADD....(Jan 2012)
I just wanted to add one more site that is currently making me giggle a lot..
http://lookatmyfuckingredtrousers.blogspot.com/