Being Gas Powered and Other Random Things About Pregnancy

So....in case you didn't see this post...I'm pregnant. Which is why I went AWOL for several months because I was very busy having in depth conversations with my toilet and my bed. Baby45 is due in September and I am already sporting a rather large bump with a life and mind of its own.

Seriously, I am just there to fulfill his every need - more space...feel free to rearrange my rib cage, comfy pillow....please use my bladder etc etc. Obviously I am vay vay vay excited about being a mummy. Baby boy is already developing excellent taste in music - vigorous kicks to RATM and Beastie Boys, but not really to much other music. I fear I am going to give birth to a grumpy teenager in a hoodie.

Anyway don't worry I don't plan to blog solely about my pregnancy for the next 3.5 months. I'd be a terrible mommy blogger and besides, this is the best blog about parenting - why would I even bother. But seeing as my brain is fairly fried by this time on a friday, I'm hoping you'll indulge me on the odd occassion and allow me to blog about the pregnancy :)

So today's post is a bunch of things that I did not know about pregnancy. ...I'd like to add the caveat that I know I am very, very lucky to be pregnant. There are many wonderful people out there who would love to have children and for whatever reason, can't. So please be aware that the below is written with tongue firmly in cheek.....



1) The Media Lied
Much like with tampon and pantyliner ads where people bounce around in tight white jeans skydiving and doing gymnastics, the reality of being pregnant is rather different than the one presented by the media. I do not swan around smugly patting my bump and feeling like a fully accomplished adult, eating healthy nutritious meals and snacks throughout the day whilst also maintaining a regular and gentle exercise routine. I am also not happy and balanced emotionally with shiny hair and nails. In fact the opposite is probably true....in fact I have more in common with the girl from the exorcist over the last few months.

2) Morning Sickness Needs to be Rebranded
So there I was thinking that morning sickness involved a tactical chunder every morning, after which you cleaned your teeth and merrily carried on your morning routine whilst chatting cheerily to your partner. LIES i tell you ALL DAMNED LIES.
Morning sickness is like an all day hangover. You feel nauseous all the fucking time. No matter what. In fact, it's worse at the end of the day. Just coughing and sneezing can make you retch.
And it doesn't just last for 3 months. No, if you're speshly lucky like me, it lasts....well I'm still getting nausea now. At 6 months! Oh and you permantly have that grim hangover taste in your mouth. Key times for vomiting are middle of the night or when at work.

3) Bones are not immoveable
My rib cage has expanded by 4-6 inches to accomodate Baby45. Yes you read that correctly - 4 to 6 inches. I didn't know - perhaps you did - that bones in your body could move around. Oh and it hurts. And it's kind of weird when your husband rubs your back and point out that your ribs are sticking out in weird places. mmmmmm sexy

4) You get stuck in the bath
Pretty much just that. To be fair we do have a small bath. But I now cannot get out of it without assistance. I think we'll need to fix some kind of pulley operation by the time baby is fully cooked!

5) You can't do shoes with buckles/ties...
....unless there is someone there to undo them and remove them for you. This is a recent discovery over the last couple of weeks.

6) Maternity Bras - no need for kevlar
yes so my maternity bra, i'm sure, could stop a bullet. It's huge. It makes my panache sports bra look like it's made of dust bunnies and dental floss. It pretty much goes up to my chin. and stops at the top of my bump.

7) Baby has favourites
If I rabbit on to baby45 he kicks if he feels like it. As soon as daddy chats away to him, he kicks like crazy. Hmph. I'm the one growing you, you little bugger! Apparently though, there is some science to this. Babies respond better to deeper voices.

8) Stripes
You can develop a massive brown stripe up the front of your bump. As my midwife put it "That's how we know you're pregnant haha". What like the bump doesn't give it away.....

9) Beauty Regime..
..as such, goes out the window once bump is a certain size. I can no longer reach my toes. So husbando is now my podiatrist in charge of nail clipping (mmmmmm) and toenail painting. He'll probably do a better job that me. Oh, and don't even speak to me about hair removal. Trying to shave something you can't even see, without causing serious damage.....well it's pretty scary. And yet one of the few sports deemed safe for pregnant women is swimming....hmmmmm....

10) Nuclear PMT type mood swings
Pretty much just that. I cry at the drop of a hat. Especially if it's a cute hat with fluffy....*wells up* I have cried when OH came home on several occassions because I was so pleased to see him. It's not like he'd been away. We'd both just been at work all day.
Equally if you cross me or (more likely) if I haven't eaten in awhile, you are at risk of being maimed or killed (perhaps try to borrow my maternity bra to protect yourself). I'm not entirely rational about what has pissed me off either.

So that's it. Hope it's been informative or funny or at the very least the time it took you to read this meant you avoided having to do any work :)

Basically for me, pregnancy so far has been like jumping off a cliff - some days I feel like I'm flying, others like I'm falling....

Thank you and good night

Stupidgirl has left the building