Motherly Love - Not What I Was Expecting

Being a parent: the only relationship in which you are always preparing for the person you love, to leave you - and that's an outcome to aim for! Truly the definition of if you love someone, set them free.

I never understood the concept that love could be redemptive before I had my son. When the pregnancy test was positive, I remember feeling that I was no longer "alone" despite being in a relationship - that there were two of us now, but that we were in some way more equal. I felt like here was a person who could know me from the inside out and we could grow together to know each other. I never realised how much loving him would change me as a person.

I wasn't prepared for the intensity of feeling I would have for my son when he was born. It didn't take much for that all consuming, instant feeling to kick in after birth. But it's not even so much love as  a turbo-charged primal, feral intense feeling of protectiveness. When the midwife did the reflex test and made my son cry, I wanted to tear her arms off to get to him. Every time he cried, which face it, was quite a bit in the early days and months, I felt like my skin was being ripped off if I couldn't get to him quickly enough. I felt worn to a raw nerve a lot of the time, terrified that something could possibly happen to him.

Trusting people has always been hard for me, expecting them to leave or hurt me at any moment. But with a child, you have to earn their trust, you are entirely responsible for this tiny human being. I really struggled with this responsibility and the weight of emotion that sloshed around inside me - that messy postnatal soup of hormones.

None of the books or blogposts I read prepared me for how to deal with such a one sided relationship in which my anxiety seemed all-consuming at times. I felt - feel - so vulnerable in my love for my son. It is hard to have balance sometimes. In the early days, my fears for him were common - feeding, sleeping, pooping - was everything normal? Any ill health was paralysing though, and the thought of anything worse - SIDS was a constant terror. I still, every night, go and check on him before I go to sleep. A hand on the chest, reassuring up down movement. 

It is hard to put into words how I feel or why it is so scary. Which is almost why this post needs to be written. Sometimes I feel so alone in my feelings - do other people also see the worst happening, before it even happens. The fall from the climbing frame, the too-thick bedding, the speeding car, the too-large grape. Everything seems risky sometimes. And then I have to be normal, act normal. If he does fall and hurt himself, if he is unwell, to remain calm, to have perspective. To not alarm him or transfer my fears onto him. To show balance.

But even the smallest hurts to him, trivial as they are to an outsider, when I watch his little face crumple, just wring my heart to bits. And the knowledge that one day a cuddle will not fix his problems....saddens me deeply. 

Sometimes I think I need to be tougher, to feel less like a piece of my heart is walking around, playing on the swings, asking for a snack. But I think I need to make the most of this time because one day he will be too big to want "kisses on my mouf mumma" and wind his little arms around my neck. To have hurts healed with the power of a kiss. 

I like the simplicity of a toddler's life, the soothing predictability and the time to explore the world within safe, familiar boundaries. To be able to return home to loving arms whenever things feel strange and receive an explanation. I love being able to provide this for him. 

It is strange and hard to be vulnerable, to trust, to love openly and without constraints. But maybe this is what my son is here to teach me. To allow myself to do these things and take down my walls, so that I can enjoy life more. As much as it's scary, it's exhilarating also. I wouldn't change it, it just wasn't what I was expecting.

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building.  

PS If you liked this post, you might like this and this too.

Dear Toddler45 - Count My Lucky Stars

Dear Mr Munchy Bum,

As you know, I love you. I tell you approximately 650,789,456 times a day. I also enjoy kissing your munchy little face. At which you either wriggle away or lick me or yell "kiss on my MOUTH MUMMY" and try to give me a big enthusiastic snog.

As much as I whinge about it, I'm quite partial to being a mummy. Particularly, *your* mummy. You see, you're quite lovely and cute and also hilariously funny. So you know, that's all pretty good stuff to have around.

I might complain about the exhaustion - when you wake in the night for 2 hours and have a tantrum about no Mister Tumble and then try to sleep across my head. Or the tedium - when I have to read Dinosaurs Love Underpants at least 7 times before bed (sucker!). But also, you are the apple of my eye.

You give me a reason to get up in the morning, because no one does enthusiasm for a new day like a toddler. "Is it sunny?" when it's clearly pissing it down. "Is it dark?" when it's clearly 9am and yes, actually sunny. Your insistence on "staying in my jim-jams just little bit more mummy" means you're a boy after my own heart - nothing like lounge wear, telly and a big bowl of cereal.

You've also got an excellent bossy streak. I take pride in the fact that you've inherited this from me. Risking life and limb you insist that you "walk for a little bit mummy" as you flail away from me by the roadside whilst I have a minor coronary as cars whizz past. 

Resolute, you tuck your hands into your blue bomber jacket and march along, asking me if "we go Tescos for special t-weat mummy?" *cue big blue eyes*. I am powerless to resist. So is the lady in the Tescos who has a soft spot for you and always asks me accusingly "where is he??" when I go in without you.


I'm also massively enjoying your strong nurturing streak. Much as you like to destroy stuff "Me do snipping Mummy?" (cue paper everywhere) you love your bunny-baby so much. Twee as it may be, you look so cute pushing your pink toy stroller, with bunny snuggled in it, to the shops with me.  To those who have given you a funny look, *blows raspberry* do Daddies not push babies in buggies where you come from? 

Bunny is very important to you, bunny likes to be wrapped in a blanket and is just like you - only napping in the buggy. You also love your Makka Pakka - who sits in the back seat of your Little Tikes car and gets chauffeured around. He is also partial to yoghurt...

You love music, with Bruno Mars being the only person who has, to my knowledge, gotten you to eat a mushroom (heavens above, an actual vegetable!) Your special Uptown Funk dance in which you have tried to copy the video is excellent. You also love the (inappropriate?) All About That Bass video "AGAIN MUMMY, bass, no t-weble".  I love listening to music with you. You're much cooler than me - you love Hozier also!

Mostly though, it was very nice yesterday, on a rainy Monday afternoon, when Mummy was feeling poorly, when we lay on the sofa for a snuggle and listened to the songs I played you when you were a newborn, and you drifted off to sleep with your head on my chest. I know you remember the songs, I played them to you as a bump - and they settled you when you wouldn't feed when you were tiny. You woke a bit on me, and if I moved "No, cuggle mama" and you wound your little arms around me.

I love you baby, because you taught me to love myself. You taught me that I am fun to be around, that it doesn't matter what I wear or where we are, as long as we are together that's all that matters. So I'm counting my lucky stars that I have you as my little best buddy. Because it would be pretty crap for me and Daddy without you.

Love,

Mumma

PS At risk of being considered the world's grumpiest mother, this post came about to reassure people that I don't just let Toddler45 go feral to Cbeebies whilst I eat bonbons, drink gin and post on the social medias. Also it's a follow up to this post. 

In Memoriam (sensitive)

I had planned to do a post about the trip to Dorset today but after the news I received this morning, I didn't really feel like it.

As most of you may know, I belong to a private online forum. It's an amazing community and I will never, ever stop being grateful and amazed at being part of it.

This morning one of our members posted that their 2 yr old son had passed away, on Wednesday night, in his sleep. Although he'd been having tests for a couple of health issues, it was completely unexpected.

I have absolutely no words to even begin to comprehend the devastation that this family must be feeling. Nothing I say sounds right - it just sound trite or stupid.

All I feel is that please, hug your loved ones tight tonight - and please keep this family in your thoughts/prayers/love/vibes/whatever you believe in.

It's such a sad, tragic loss - and I wanted to pay tribute to that on the blog tonight. So this post is in loving memory of William Robert Walter.

That is all

SG

Driving Me Crazy...Word of the Week

(Motivation noun: desire to do; interest or drive/incentive or inducement. Psychological definition:  the process that arouses, sustains and regulates human and animal behaviour. Etym: From Latin `Motare` to move/shake/stir, from proto-IndoEuropean meuə-)


I've been climbing for nearly two years now. I've been to most of the indoor walls in London* plus climbing in the Peak District, Portland and the Alps last summer. I even went hiking everyday bar 2 days on my honeymoon. I should now add that I'm terrified of heights. Yes, that's right, I'm petrified of being more than about 3 foot off the ground.


So a) how did I end up climbing and b) what the HELL has this got to do with writing I hear you ask. Good questions - and there are two reasons, both questions in themselves - and they revolve around that rather cheesy, management speak-esque word `Motivation` which is the WoTW. Why did I start rock climbing and in what universe could it possibly help my writing!?


Well, the answer to the first question is around what could drive me to the extremes of paying to scare the shit out of myself on a weekly basis. I have one word for you - husbando! Yes, he and I, are complete polar opposites when it comes to interests and personality types. I'm loud, lazy and un-athletic, he, quite frankly, isn't! At some point in our (now) nearly 9 years together, this was going to bite us in the ass a little in terms of our relationship - after all we'd started to lead almost entirely separate social lives outside of work + spending time together. It suddenly seemed to be rather a concern, particular as our wedding was looming at this point. 


In April 2009, H decided that he wanted to try rock climbing and by jove we were going to do it together. I'd like to tell you that I was incredibly enthusiastic and supportive about this suggestion. But that would be an outrageous lie. Still we struggled on, past our `taster session` at The Castle, onto a 4hr intensive climbing course + eventually began weekly climbing sessions. By the time we'd been climbing for 3 months, I think i'd feigned every possible injury bar none in order to attempt to wriggle out of going. These excuses included such gems as "I need to have long nails for the wedding, so I can't climb in case I break one" and also "I have period pain so I can't climb, it's the LAW". Husband was not fooled, and continued with his cause, manfully facing up to the prospect of endless public domestics + coaxing a tearful histrionic wife down from the top of the climbing wall. "Hold on to the rope" and "Let go of the wall" became regular phrases in our conversations. I think The Castle think of me as `that screaming maniac`.  Oh yes, did I mention the fear of heights?


So anyway, fast forward to 2011, we're climbing away, I don't mind getting up early, *and* last sunday I climbed my hardest climb yet (a 6a for those who have a clue about climbing grades) - for which my lovely long-suffering husband rewarded me with Chanel make up!


So what the fecking feck has this bloody got to with writing, can hear you all hoping I might be getting to the point soon. To recap, my motivation for scaring the shit out of myself was to get closer to my husband. And when you're all that stands between your loved one and if not certain death, but at the very least the strong possibilty of broken bones, then trust is at the very heart of your relationship. Learning to let go + trust someone with not just your heart but your entire physical being is the most extreme way of offering yourself to someone. I can absolutely say that husbando + I are closer because of climbing - because he's seen me test myself to my very limits for him (see more on this below) and because I've learned that despite all my fears, I can trust him. So a very powerful driver is love.


The first lesson then, which can be applied to writing therefore, is learning about what motivates and drives you. Look for motivation outside of writing. What motivates you at work, what motivates you and gets you excited generally in life, why do you do what you do? What makes you think hey! that's cool, I want in on that. That's where you're going to find what motivates you beyond all else and will keep you writing when you want to give up. 


My motivation is love and making people happy so that's what keeps me writing! I love entertaining people with my blog, if I've made one person smile or think or most importantly, value themselves a little more, then I am so incredibly happy - that's my job done. And maybe it sounds twee but sometimes that's the only thing that lies between me and not getting up in the morning when the black dog bites.


Second lesson about motivation from climbing is just bloody putting yourself out there/facing your fears. I know I bang on about this - and maybe I'm just really trying to convince myself of this but what's the worst that could happen when you put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. It's fucking scary writing + doing this blog + putting myself out there for criticism but how else do we grow + learn? And you know what it's bloody empowering. No one is going to reach out and say `Yes, you're special, I'm going to tell everyone about you + your writing` you need to be your own helping hand. I'm not saying be an arrogant prat but just dare a little more, push yourself a little harder. Add a new, crazy character, put a random plot twist in the book - I ended up with a pivotal scene in my book as a result of this. Have fun, live a little - it's meant to be enjoyable. If you're bored of your writing, chances are your reader will be too! Every time you're scared writing, just think about what drives + motivates you and then ask yourself, "what's the worst that could happen", chances are, it's not going to involve a broken bone!


I know that's been a long post so if you got this far, thanks so much, I hope at the very least it was interesting - I've put myself out there for your judgement. I've enjoyed writing this anyway! Don't forget to tune in on friday for an interview with the lovely Siren of Brixton, plus another guest photo essay, this time from Graffiti Living. Plus I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring an interview with Gaz Parry - 6 time British climbing champion in a few weeks, check out his blog here.


Thank you and good night


Stupidgirl has left the building


* My fave climbing walls are West One in Marylebone, The Westway in Shepherds Bush and obviously The Castle! Other good places to try are The Arch and Mile End. Enjoy - and let me know if you check them out.

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside - Top 10 Alt/Indie Love Songs

So, in case you'd not noticed, it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. And like the unoriginal blogger I am, I thought I'd do a slightly Valentine's themed Top 10 list. I know I should be uber-cool and sneery about Valentines Day and how it's just another way for the marketing gods to get us to spend money on shit we don't need or want but.....I'm a real romantic at heart. I spent so many Valentine's Days alone when I was a teenager and was even the butt of several cruel Valentine's related pranks - so to have someone to share Valentine's with is so lovely. Even after 9 years together, husbando and I still give each other a token card + try to spend a little time together on the day.

Having said all that, a few years ago I decided that Valentine's day shouldn't just be limited to your partners - I love all my friends very much and so I always try to send them a Valentine's message too. After all love can be platonic also. So, lovely readers of my blog, here is my Valentine to each and every one of you - my top 10 favourite love songs.

And btw, before you totally freak out and wonder what kind of blog this is, you should know by now that I don't like regular sappy shit. Hopefully at least one of the songs below will be familiar and tug at your heartstrings also.

Creep - Radiohead
If there is a better song about unrequited love, I don't know it. Thom Yorke's impassioned plea and self-misery may not be to everyone's taste, but I absolutely love this song. And, as someone who has `suffered the pangs of unrequited love` this song was my anthem. Nothing says I love you quite so much as "I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, I don't belong here". Having said that, it's no surprise that the object of his rather obsessive affections runs out the door at the end!

You Look So Fine - Garbage
Another song about unrequited love - but one that I played over and over whilst in pursuit of my husband when I was a university (now I sound like a total looper!!). Rather than the sorrow of Creep, this song, for me, is all about desire and wanting - which comes across so well in the lyrics "I want to take you home/We're wasting time, you're the only one for me". It just gives me goosebumps whenever I hear this song, and makes me smile ruefully, wishing I could go back and tell my 20 year old self not to cry anymore, as she'd end up marrying the person causing the tears!

Crazy - Aerosmith
Well now, aside from possibly being one of my favourite music videos of all time (now there's a top 10 list for the future) - how could you not love Liv Tyler + Alicia Silverstone getting up to no good - I just am totally *crazy* about this song. Yes, it's cheesey, yes, it's big haired naff rock but hell yeah - this list would be nothing without a dirty ditty from Steve Tyler! I'd love to meet (or be, even) the kind of woman that could drive him to write the lyrics "That kinda lovin' turns a man to a slave/That kinda lovin' sends a man right to his grave...That kinda lovin' makes me wanna pull down the shade, yeah!" We've all felt like this for sure - a slave to love, sex and everything in between and Aerosmith sing about it so very charmingly - this song always, but always makes me smile!

Starlight - Muse
I love this song so much that we walked back down the aisle to this at my wedding. It's just such a kick-ass song. I'm not sure it is the most romantic love song ever "I don't know if it's worth it anymore" but Matt Bellamy's pleas to "Hold you in my arms/I just wanted to hold you in my arms" and "My life/You electrify my life" just say it all really! It was such an uplifting song to walk out to and - it allowed me to just add a tiny bit of my rock chick tastes to our rather more elegant + tasteful wedding (my desire to walk down the aisle to Sweet Child of Mine was, sadly, vetoed!).

All Is Full Of Love - Bjork
I don't really have the words to say what this song means to me - but it's my ultimate love song (and another consideration for wedding music, sadly also vetoed on the grounds that it was "too weird" - which surely is never a term that's been used to describe Bjork before....much). Anyway the plaintive melody + Bjork's voice just absolutely haunts me on this one. It totally describes that sensation when you've first fallen in love and you can't think of anything else "Your phone is off the hook/All is full of love/Your doors are all shut/All is full of love". The repetition of all is full of love is so soothing and lovely plus the music video with the Bjorkbot is pretty freakin awesome.

Umbrella - Manic Street Preachers
I was amazed to discover that the music gods that are MSP have done a cover version of Rhianna's 2007 hit - but it is just so cool, as only something created by MSP can be. They've rocked it up big style - love love love the guitars on this one, but what makes it hit my top 10 love songs is also the lyrics.  Slightly cliched they may be, who can beat such gems as "Baby, cause in the dark, you can't see shiny cars/That's when you need me there" and "You can stand under my umbrella". I unashamedly love this song because sometimes, we all need a little bit of support - and to me, love is part of that. Even if you don't agree, it's a great cover version - enjoy!

The Blowers Daughter - Damian Rice
Just. So. Beautiful. I think that this song is actually a very sad love song - about something that has gone terribly wrong. But the repetition of "can't take my eyes off you" just yanks at my heart every time. I think the usage on the Closer soundtrack just makes it more poignant - I shan't say anymore in case you've not seen the film. But anyway, a great song but one you might need tissues for :)

Forever Young - Youth Group
The original version - not the one from the O.C. - and um, another bit of music from my wedding (yeahhhhh I talk about it A LOT don't I - sorry folks!). Anyway, not strictly a love song - more of a political pop song "Are you gonna drop the bomb or not...praising our leaders, we're getting in tune" - it just reminds me of when husbando + I first fell in love, when we were at uni. So it's just personal to us really, but still a great song - and one for sunny summer days, drinking wine and running around having fun. Hope you like it too.

Starcrossed - Ash
Ash's incredible homage to Romeo + Juliet, this list would not be complete without this song! It's just so great - I want to say happy, even though clearly Romeo + Juliet did not have the happiest of endings - but this song is just so full of energy and love. It makes me mouth along to the lyrics when I listen to it on the bus - and when I'm home alone, I sing along enthusiastically. How can you not adore the dulcet tones of Tim Wheeler singing "When your faith turns to despair/Always will my love be there/And never fade away". The guitar solo is also awesome. Listen and love people!

All I Want Is You - U2
Hi, my name is stupidgirl and I'm a.......U2 fan. There, I said it, in public, out loud on my blog. I refuse to live in shame anymore. I know that it's not big and it's not cool but I am a hey-ooge U2 fan. Very sorry if this offends any of you out there who have uber-trendy music tastes, but hey, I never made any pretence of the fact that actually, I am deeply, deeply uncool! So, back to the list + the song. There were so many U2 songs I could have chosen (One, With or Without You at the very least) but for me, this is the ultimate U2 love song. It's so simple and romantic and I get goose bumps every time I hear it. I'll just quote one section of lyrics that sum it all up for me "But all the promises we make/ From the cradle to the grave/ When all I want is you". Even if you think you hate U2 and Bono's preaching, please give this song just one listen, it's worth it I promise.

So that's it! That's my list - as ever thanks for tuning in and please do leave your comment below and share *your* fave love songs - I'd love to broaden my music tastes. In fact, before I go, here are a few of the suggestions that were tweeted at me this afternoon that I liked, so check out the songs + the tweeters!

@petercrosby Chumbawamba - By and By
@_scruffian Kinks - You Really Got Me
@onlyrealhowie Living Colour - Broken Hearts
@nicoleg75 REM - The One I Love
@silverelefanfic Stone Roses - 10 Storey Love Song

I'll be back later in the week with WoTW - Motivation, where I talk about the positive effect that my rock climbing has had on my writing (weirdly) plus the usual interview, photo essay and top 10 next weekend. Thanks for tuning in and have a great week.

Thank you and good night

Stupidgirl has left the building