20 Mar 2015

Motherly Love - Not What I Was Expecting

Being a parent: the only relationship in which you are always preparing for the person you love, to leave you - and that's an outcome to aim for! Truly the definition of if you love someone, set them free.
I never understood the concept that love could be redemptive before I had my son. When the pregnancy test was positive, I remember feeling that I was no longer "alone" despite being in a relationship - that there were two of us now, but that we were in some way more equal. I felt like here was a person who could know me from the inside out and we could grow together to know each other. I never realised how much loving him would change me as a person.

I wasn't prepared for the intensity of feeling I would have for my son when he was born. It didn't take much for that all consuming, instant feeling to kick in after birth. But it's not even so much love as  a turbo-charged primal, feral intense feeling of protectiveness. When the midwife did the reflex test and made my son cry, I wanted to tear her arms off to get to him. Every time he cried, which face it, was quite a bit in the early days and months, I felt like my skin was being ripped off if I couldn't get to him quickly enough. I felt worn to a raw nerve a lot of the time, terrified that something could possibly happen to him.

Trusting people has always been hard for me, expecting them to leave or hurt me at any moment. But with a child, you have to earn their trust, you are entirely responsible for this tiny human being. I really struggled with this responsibility and the weight of emotion that sloshed around inside me - that messy postnatal soup of hormones.

None of the books or blogposts I read prepared me for how to deal with such a one sided relationship in which my anxiety seemed all-consuming at times. I felt - feel - so vulnerable in my love for my son. It is hard to have balance sometimes. In the early days, my fears for him were common - feeding, sleeping, pooping - was everything normal? Any ill health was paralysing though, and the thought of anything worse - SIDS was a constant terror. I still, every night, go and check on him before I go to sleep. A hand on the chest, reassuring up down movement. 

It is hard to put into words how I feel or why it is so scary. Which is almost why this post needs to be written. Sometimes I feel so alone in my feelings - do other people also see the worst happening, before it even happens. The fall from the climbing frame, the too-thick bedding, the speeding car, the too-large grape. Everything seems risky sometimes. And then I have to be normal, act normal. If he does fall and hurt himself, if he is unwell, to remain calm, to have perspective. To not alarm him or transfer my fears onto him. To show balance.

But even the smallest hurts to him, trivial as they are to an outsider, when I watch his little face crumple, just wring my heart to bits. And the knowledge that one day a cuddle will not fix his problems....saddens me deeply. 

Sometimes I think I need to be tougher, to feel less like a piece of my heart is walking around, playing on the swings, asking for a snack. But I think I need to make the most of this time because one day he will be too big to want "kisses on my mouf mumma" and wind his little arms around my neck. To have hurts healed with the power of a kiss. 

I like the simplicity of a toddler's life, the soothing predictability and the time to explore the world within safe, familiar boundaries. To be able to return home to loving arms whenever things feel strange and receive an explanation. I love being able to provide this for him. 

It is strange and hard to be vulnerable, to trust, to love openly and without constraints. But maybe this is what my son is here to teach me. To allow myself to do these things and take down my walls, so that I can enjoy life more. As much as it's scary, it's exhilarating also. I wouldn't change it, it just wasn't what I was expecting.

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building.  

PS If you liked this post, you might like this and this too.


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29 comments:

  1. Has your little bundle started littering the house with HOT WHEELS cars yet? Moments you remember ----- What are the favorite story books around your place?.. a whole different thing than sharing DVD's 'cause YOU have to read it to/with them....Babies and toddlers are perfection encapsulated ... GREAT post!

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    1. we love reading in this house! Our current favourites are Supertato and Dinosaurs love Underpants :) We also love cars :) I love sharing a love of books :) Thanks for commenting dude :) x

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  2. What beautiful sentiments about your son. I have a similar experience with my daughter. The sense of panic when something displeases her, especially, when she was just an infant, was constant. Even more so now that she's a toddler. All that movement and yearning for independence makes me jittery still. You're right: parenting is all about trust--our children has to trust in us and we have to trust in ourselves. It's not easy to do, but I can definitely tell you you're not alone in doing it. Everyone feels this way--this is parenthood after all. Thank you for such beautiful words. Glad I found you on #pocolo

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    1. Exactly, I hate it when something displeases my LO, I just want him to be happy all the time, except I know that's ridiculous really. I htink you're right also, we have to trust ourselves when we are mostly just winging it! THanks for taking the time to leave such a lovely comment, see you on #pocolo again soon! x

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  3. That vulnerability is scary and beautiful at the same time. I wasnt ready for that one as well and yet I am feeling it always. Always. #pocolo

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    1. Always, definitely! I think the vulnerability is the lesson really isn't it. To be happy in the moment :) Thanks for commenting :) x

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  4. I can really relate. My husband sometimes can't believe how much I freak out!
    My first baby, Louis, was stillborn at 41 weeks and I often wonder if that has made me a generally more anxious parent - once the veil has been lifted it's hard to just assume that things will ever be ok.
    My eldest daughter is 7 and sometimes I still check if she's breathing!! If I disturb her she just sleepily tells me to go away!!
    Beautiful post - no one tells you how vulnerable motherhood will make a once perfectly capable person!
    Xx
    #PoCoLo

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    1. I don't even know what to say because your comment is so moving. I'm so sorry you lost Louis at 41 weeks. I just can't even begin to imagine what that must have - and still does - feel like. I think the anxiety must be amped up that bit more - the way you put it about the veil being lifted is an excellent description.

      I'm glad you liked the post and thank you for taking the time to comment x

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  5. Oh hun, these fears fill the heads of ALL mothers out there. I promise you that. My boys, now 5 and 10, fill me with fear every time they step out of the door. My youngest loves climbing frames and football, he's very active. They do grow into such wonderful human beings and I can't imagine the day when they don't need me anymore. It's a slow process and I know it'll come eventually but I certainly don't look forward to it.

    Know you are not alone hun. xx

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    1. I know it sounds weird but it's good to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I wish I could put him back in my belly!! To keep him safe LOL. He sometimes asks to go back "in your tummy mummy". They'll always love us even if they don't need us, right?? Thanks for commenting! xx

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  6. Aww this is lovely. It's such a strong feeling isn't it. I don't think I has it immediately which sounds awful! When my little girl has her heelprick test I didn't flinch but her 8 week jabs I cried and cried. Now I love her so much it's scary xxx

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    1. I think it hits people at different times, doesn't mean you love your child any less. I was wary about it coming across like that when I wrote this. I think it grows too. The way I feel about him now compared to newborn is so much bigger. But the intensity is less because the hormone soup has gone! Thanks for taking the time to comment lovely xx

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  7. This is such a lovely post. I felt overwhelmed in the early days but now, despite the fact that I constantly worry, I am also enjoying every single moment with my 8 year old because she is not going to be that way forever. And, like you, I will never feel alone now that I have her. Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo x

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    1. I think that's the key - enjoying them so you kind of put the anxiety on the backburner a little. It's definitely gotten less scary as he's gotten older but I think I'm just better at dealing with my fears. Thanks for commenting lovely xx

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  8. You literally have written what's in my brain!
    X

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    1. Hah, see I told you we were the same person ;) Glad you liked the post and thank you for commenting :) x

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  9. Such a sweet post! I can wholly relate to the whole anxiety thing, it's horrible. It's also so true when people say there is no love, like a mother's love - it's almost unbearable at times but I wouldn't have it any other way! #mummymondays www.raisingtherings.com

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    1. It is, it is definitely almost unbearable some days. I struggle especially when there are tragic stories in the news. You want to wrap them in cotton wool. But equally, know they must go through hardship to help them develop. All you can do is be there to support them (and internalise your feelings!) Thanks for commenting xx

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  10. This is so true and I can totally relate. No-one can prepare you for the love you'll feel #mummymondays

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    1. Exactly, there's no warning, it's not in any of the books - "by the way when you have a child, your heart will feel like an elephant has sat on it... ALL. THE. TIME..." Thanks for commenting :) x

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  11. I think this is a brave post to write and I am sure what you are feeling is normal. I too always think the worst and constantly worry about the worst happening. I have s 5 year old and a 11 month old and worry about them as much as each other.

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    1. Thank you, it seems to be a bit taboo sometimes to talk about the scary emotional side of parenting. As if it's not something many of us feel but just hide away and muddle on. It's really important to me to be open about it, especially with PND affecting so many. I think it comes with the territory to fear the worst when it comes to our children now! Thanks for commenting x

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  12. Beautiful post. Being a parent does make you incredibly vulnerable and I think it is very natural to be extra-aware of the potential risks and alert to them because we want to protect our children. I don't think anything can quite prepare you for that intensity of emotions that comes with parenthood.

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    1. No, nothing does prepare you for the emotional ride. I think that's what I found very hard in the early days. I'm really good at compartmentlising stuff. I'm happy to be openly happy or angry. But fear or sorrow are very private and I really struggled with the vulnerability parenting gives you.. Thank you for commenting x

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  13. a beautifully written post :) unfortunately a lot of emotions, ups and downs come along with parenting but the good always over rules the bad. I have my moments when sometimes the tantrums get too much, I have to take time for myself too to make me feel like a sane adult sometimes.

    thanks for joining in on #mummymonday :) love, Gemma - host xo
    www.sunshineonacloudyday.co.uk

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    1. I agree, about time for yourself. It's tricky to do and it's so hard to know what to do with the time - shower? sleep? go to the toilet in peace?! Thanks for commenting :) x

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  14. Honest blogs are my favourites! :) I'm the same at bed time, I check on him before bed and wake up a few times just to look at him!

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  15. I love this post. I think sometimes I am too laid back with my girl and my Mum is the one going nuts whilst she eats food with big lumps or climbs on the table! Despite that, the pain that hits my heart when she is upset or frightened is nothing I was ever prepared for!! Thanks for linking up with #bestandworst and please come back next week!! x

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  16. It's one of those things isn't is a Mum, those tears, they immediately make me drop everything and rush to them it's just instinct. Thanks for linking up to #bestandworst and hope to see you again next week.

    Helen x

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