5 Feb 2015

End of Tether

So aside from the whole #nofilter thing referring to house/style/parenting and health, I think it also refers to attitude. And apparently one cannot always be upbeat. Despite being well set up for the day - lie in, snow, make up, nice outfit, toddler had minimal tantrums, trains on time, space in coffee shop and wifi, I was worried I wouldn't find something no filter worthy aside from a less-messy house.

Well I was wrong. My mood today, if it was a colour, would be a sort of Rothko-esque, muddy shades of brown fading into deepest dog turd. Not sure that's something you're ever likely to see hanging in the Tate. I wonder if Rothko ever did a brown series, imagine a series of poo shaded colour charts.

Anyway, I'm being deliberately evasive, because as ever I'm not loving talking about feeling pretty rubbish today. So here's a quick recap - I have depression, anxiety and I'm an ex-self harmer. Joyous isn't it. You can read more here on why I outed myself as having mental health issues. Scariest post I ever wrote, that one. Today my mood change surprised me. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it.

I guess lack of sleep was the biggest thing - I had 10 hours sleep between Monday morning and midnight wednesday. I feel like I haven't been the most patient mummy either despite sleeping with Baby45 in the bed both nights to help him sleep and sitting with him until he fell asleep at bedtime. And then there's other stuff going on, I won't elaborate, nothing major but just at a low level just grinds you down.

Everything just feels gray and bleugh and meh. Descriptive I know. But it's hard to describe. Also this is not a cry for help. This is just a bit of a day-in-the-life. I had a down day. Sometimes they're pretty shit. Sometimes not so much. Sometimes it leads into a full blown depressive episode. I don't know which this is but it's a #nofilters post about how I felt today.

So anyway I cried on the train home this even. But hey, I don't think anyone noticed, I totally styled it out by putting up my furry hood and looking like an overgrown emo. And I listened to Arcade Fire at full volume. I've not really done much this evening but seeing a friend and having a laugh has cheered me up.

I know this isn't the greatest blog post either - but I'm pleased I've blogged every day of February so far. I think I'm starting to see this as being like training in a sport. You have good days, amazing days, bad days and mediocre days - but as long as you still get your ass out there, that's the main thing. So if you're still out there reading, thanks for sticking with me on my off colour #nofilter day. I hope tomorrow is better.

Thank you and good night.

Stupidgirl has left the building

PS Trailer for the new Magic Mike movie here - this did cheer me up. You're welcome :P

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