I wanted to update on how I'm feeling after this post. To be clear, as I said in it, it was not a cry for help. I simply blogged how I was that day as part of my #nofilter series. And I'm okay, honest guv!
It was just a last straw day where lots of things I've been juggling, weren't juggle-able that day. I was tired and fed up and so I cried on the train home from work. Not massively and only for a few minutes.
For me to have been a bit tearful when things got on top of me, is a huge achievement after years battling with depression and anxiety. I cried on the train instead of going home and persuading myself not to self harm (or just going ahead and doing it).
I couldn't deal as well as normal with stuff because I had 10 hours sleep in 52 at one point this week due to toddler ill-health. And I had to go to work. And parent my (sick) toddler. And I'm not alone in this type of parenting experience.
I think it's really important to be able to be honest about how shitty parenting is at times. As much as I utterly adore Baby45 more than anything else (especially sleep) I'm not going to paint a rose tinted version of parenthood because it's not always like that and it can put a lot of pressure on parents to ALWAYS BE SMILEY AND HAPPY.
It's hard work because to me it's a really important job. Everything you do has an affect on them. So if you're trying to do the best job you can and go to bed most nights fretting about how you fucked up today in some tiny capacity and hope to do better tomorrow, it's hard to love every minute.
I'm sorry but I didn't love the tantrum today because I wouldn't let Baby45 have my (hard earned) piece of cake or because I thought he should wear trousers (it's 5 degrees out) or because I wouldn't let him push the buggy by himself next to a very busy road.
I wasn't depriving him of these things on a whim (well, maybe the cake...) but because I have his best interests at heart (keeping warm, not being hit by a car...) But I still try to keep calm and attempt to help him deal with his emotions - and control mine inside as I'm the adult not the kid.
So you know, parenting can be tough. It sucks at times. That doesn't mean you love your child any less. It doesn't mean you don't want constantly to be better. It just means you're human. So if you too have had a tough day or week or month or you're just generally struggling a bit...take heart from the fact that most of the rest of us often are too.
Thank you and good night,
Stupidgirl has left the building
PS. Despite all the drama, kids always do something to make it all utterly worth it. Here's a gem from this morning Chez 45...After an ominous silence OH walked into our study to find Baby45 wielding a red marker pen, scribbling away "I writing an email daddy". Passes over scribbled on business card "there go, sent!"