So I'm feeling like I've failed a bit on the working and parenting front. On the no filter front I've really achieved very little today, nowhere near as much as I wanted but I also feel like I let Baby45 down by shuffling him off to nursery. To clarify, before you think I'm that mum who irresponsibly sends her child to be patient zero and infect all the other kids, he just has a cold (the GP said so) and he didn't have a temperature this morning. And also it was snowing. And I really wanted to go to my work event. So I guess I put my career first. I feel like a bad mum now.
I'm tired of being sold this idea that we can "have it all". I'm not sure what exactly "it all" entails but in my head it seems to mean a combination of the following:
- Massively over-achieving career-wise, super successful, ideally running own business, potentially going to IPO when one is crowning in childbirth you're that organised.
- Excellent at parenting (ie not excessive Cbeebies viewing/nuggets consumption) Always calm and never shouty, never using chocolate as bribery, managing the fine art of disciplining the little darlings whilst respecting their boundaries (whatever that means), also not owner of a toddler prone to meltdowns in public (Isn't that all of them though?)
- Being slim, stylish and well groomed at all times. Also in my head this means an ability to accessorise well. I am rubbish at this because a) who has the time and b) toddlers are magpies and break shit. Not wearing clothing with holes in because you've not found the time to replace them because shopping is a smash and grab raid on the New Look sale section before the toddler has one of the above mentioned meltdowns.
- Immaculate, stylish house out of Elle Deco. With fresh flowers in large vases. I don't think I even own a vase. And when I get flowers they usually just die on me. But I do like lilies a lot should you wish to send me any. No piles of laundry, no washing up cluttering the sink, no dusty skirting boards, no toddler eating the crumbs off the kitchen floor and obviously no skiddies in the toilet bowl. Oh plus lovely garden. MAGICALLY.
I could go on but I think you get my gist. No one lives like this surely (if you do, please don't tell me) I was exaggerating a bit. I just find it impossible to keep on top of everything, the plates are always smashing on the floor in this house, I'm an abysmal juggler after all.
But actually I'm not so sure I really do want "it all". I mean it looks like an awful lot of work for a start. Nowhere is there brownie points for chilling out with a book in your fleece pjs whilst consuming packets of Jaffa cakes (just me?). Why are we so demanding with ourselves? I think it's important to have drive, to work towards things but surely again we're just driving ourselves crazy chasing our own tails in search of a perfection that doesn't exist.
So back to the no filter moments today, aside from the feeling like I've let Baby45 down by putting work first, my kitchen is also a shit pit.
I won't even go into what it's like to spend several hours with an unwell toddler who doesn't want to be at home and for whom the sugar in ibuprofen is like taking coke.
But on the flip side, I wore make up, did my hair and dressed nicely today. And got to wear my new bracelet which I'm quite in love with.
Again, this post has been written semi on the hoof, to get me used to writing regularly again, sorry if it's just come out as a garbled stream of consciousness.
Thank you and goodnight
Stupidgirl has left the building
PS If you're wondered what this #nofilters business is about check here and here
PPS Soon my blog will be available for subscription via Amazon so you can read it on your kindles. And it automatically updates with new posts for you. Exciting stuff no?